Woke up this morning thinking

Woke up this morning thinking about emotions. Why is it that as I get older, my emotions become less intense? I used to feel everything. I would cry at the slightest sad thought. Love was a powerful, all-encompassing feeling. Sometimes I loved so much, I thought my heart would break in two. Why is it now that I still love, but it doesn't feel like it used to? And isn't love a feeling so if I don't feel like I used to, am I really loving?

It's hard not to compare past experiences with the present ones. It's hard not to question what I'm feeling or what I perceive as a lack of feeling. Maybe as I get older, it's just harder to love in that loose, crazy, completely free way that I did when I was younger. Maybe that wasn't really love at all. Maybe I just guard my heart now that I'm older. It's harder to let go. Maybe it's just the mix of hormones in my body, or lack thereof.

I want to believe that someday I'll feel as intensely as I once did. But I'm scared that I won't. In a way, I'm discounting what I have now because I'm comparing it to what I had once before. I don't want to live the rest of my life looking back and desiring what is in the past.

Do married couples really wake up one day and think, "The spark is gone"? I want to believe those feelings, that "spark," is infatuation. It's not valid, it doesn't really count. I want to believe that I had a whole year of those feelings with John and it never got old because we lived so far apart. I want to believe that those feelings were foolish and childish. It wasn't real love, it was just obsession and loneliness. I was in love with an idea.

Real love takes time and hard work. Real love is a choice. Real love doesn't come easily. It's not instantaneous good feelings. But I want those feelings. How could someone not? I read somewhere that we desire to be with people that make us have emotions similar to when we were children - the intense, out of control, full, overwhelming feelings. That implies that as we get older those feelings aren't typical. It doesn't really make sense though. Why would I want to feel like a child again? Other than it feels good and is intense. I want to be stable. I want to make choices, be in control. I want to be in touch with reality and not some fantasy in my heart.

Yet deep down I still want to feel like I once felt.

Mostly I want to quit questioning my emotions. I don't want to wake up thinking about them. I don't want to wonder if my relationships are valid or invalid simply because I don't feel as intensely as I once did. I don't want to compare. I don't want to hope that if I'll just be patient enough those feelings will come back. I want to be content with what I have now. Because it's good. Because it's better than I could hope for. Because I'm very, very blessed.

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