Thirty

Three times this week I found myself commenting on my upcoming milestone birthday.* I'm turning 30 on March 11th. Talking about this is a breakthrough for me because I'm weird about leaving my 20's. I didn't think I'd be weird. After all, it's only another birthday. It's only a number. But this number -30- caught me off guard.

A few months ago when I started thinking about the ever-approaching birthday, I went into a panic. I felt like there was no way it could be here already. It just seemed too fast. Too fast because I haven't achieved all that I should achieve by the time I'm "thirty." When I talked to a few friends about feeling this way, they quickly reminded me of how much I've accomplished already. I know I've accomplished a lot and I'm certainly happy with my life.

Once I stopped to really think about things, I'm surprised I was hit with such a strong feeling of inadequacy. Why do you suppose I keep pushing the bar higher and higher for myself? Why can't I just be proud of all I've accomplished? After all, there's nothing I can do about it now. The time is gone. Period.

I think it has a lot to do with the fantasy lives we conjure up in our heads. Throughout my life, I've compiled some notion of what people in their 30's are like. In my fantasy, they are beautiful, successful, married with kids, good careers, big house, nice cars, huge circles of friends, etc., etc. Then I compare myself to this fantasy. But the whole fantasy is stupid. It's built on my perceptions as a child and consuming way too much media. (And we all know that media is really just trying to get us to consume more so its not exactly a trusted source.)

When I stop and think about the real people I know in their 30's, I realize my fantasy is all wrong. I know lots of different people who are in lots of different places in their lives. And that's OK. It's not a race. It's not a contest. We all live the lives we're given and do the best we can. Hopefully we can find some happiness along the way. So when I think about things rationally, I'm not quite so bothered by turning 30. I've got a good life and I'm lucky to have lived this long.

Now, I'm not so sure how I feel about the gray hair! Good thing I have a hairdresser who's going to take care of it tomorrow.

* 1. Tuesday night at dinner after Refresh Phoenix, I got carded. I told the waitress that I'm turning 30 next month and I'm happy to show her my ID. She said, "Count yourself lucky, I'm only 23 and I don't get carded anymore." (She looked old.)
2. Talking with a coworker, who thought I was 28. I admitted that I was about to turn 30.
3. With Josh at dinner last night. He said something like, "Wow, you just admitted your age!"

Comments