Ryan 3

Foreword: In 2004, I kept these posts on a separate blog. I wanted a place to write about my true feelings about Ryan that no one else would read. In 2007, I revisited these posts. and decided to add them to the archives. It's part of my past that is worth remembering especially the honesty with which I wrote these posts.

I told Ryan last night that I've begun to write about him/us. I explained that I wanted to be able to look back and remember how I was feeling and what I was thinking about. He quickly realized that I want to see the progression of my feelings over time. You see, I explained to him that I was worried that I simply lose interest in a boyfriend over time and I didn't want to do that to him. Now we'll get to see how I feel and what I'm thinking. Honestly because I'm not writing it for anyone but myself.

I'm very impressed with how aware of my feelings Ryan is. I've been pretty upfront about them so far and even including some of the scary stuff. He's atypical in that he hasn't acted scared. He did say that he doesn't like to hurt ("I don't like hurt"). Who does? The way he said it was more silliness than seriousness, but I kinda thought maybe there was some truth to it. A little bit of a warning inside a joke. I certainly have no plans on hurting him though I am afraid it might happen. After all, I hurt Kevin. Certainly not intentionally because I love Kevin. It just hurts when you don't get loved back as much as you love.

But, yeah, Ryan seems very aware of how I'm feeling and is comfortable. Or at least gives the appearance of comfort. I almost don't know what to think. I guess I should be pleased, which I am. I think he may be more thoughtful/contemplative than he lets on.