Ryan 25

Foreword: In 2004, I kept these posts on a separate blog. I wanted a place to write about my true feelings about Ryan that no one else would read. In 2007, I revisited these posts. and decided to add them to the archives. It's part of my past that is worth remembering especially the honesty with which I wrote these posts.

I'm feeling guilty. I think I might be in love with Ryan yet I'm dating someone else. Last weekend I went to a party, got incredibly drunk, and ended up making out with Scotty. Scotty is a great friend and there's always been some interest between us yet it's never happened. There was always something preventing it. I don't know why I didn't prevent it this time, but maybe it was the alcohol. Truth is I enjoy Scotty and I'm enjoying hanging out with him. I'm even enjoying kissing him, which is why I feel so bad right now.

I went out with Scott and a few friends tonight. I dropped Scott off at his house and we kissed in the car for awhile. It was so nice and sweet and all of that. But it's not Ryan. I just want to be with Ryan. I feel awful to do this to Scott and to Ryan. I'm feeling so bad right now that I'm thinking about telling Ryan that we shouldn't date right now. Besides, it would just be easier for me to casually be with someone here than try to figure out how a long distance relationship is going to work with a man in Canada. With a child. With an ex-wife. Ok, with a sortof-ex-wife. Thinking about that makes me incredibly sad. I want Ryan in my life. I want to be with Ryan all the time. I want to live with Ryan. I want to have children with Ryan. Why the hell am I dating anyone else?!

I'm crying now and I all upset. Maybe it's just the effect of the margarita I drank tonight. Maybe this will all feel better in the morning. I so desperately want to talk to Ryan, but at the same time I'll feel awful if I do. I'm afraid that if he finds out about Scott, he won't want me anymore. That would crush me. Yet, again, I always believe that honesty is the best policy. What's wrong with me?!