Ryan 22

Foreword: In 2004, I kept these posts on a separate blog. I wanted a place to write about my true feelings about Ryan that no one else would read. In 2007, I revisited these posts. and decided to add them to the archives. It's part of my past that is worth remembering especially the honesty with which I wrote these posts.

I hadn't talked to Ryan much in the past couple of days since it was Stampede week in Calgary. He was attending lots of parties and staying out late. Last night I knew he was home, but I didn't call like normal. I was just feeling so sad about Kevin and wondering how Ryan fits into it all. So I cried myself to sleep instead. (Not sobbing, just a few tears.)

To my surprise and hopes, Ryan called. He woke me up and I wasn't making much sense so he let me go. Then I woke up enough to want to talk with him so I called him back. We talked for a couple hours about a lot of stuff. Mostly about his time at Stampede. Some about work, Ryan might be getting a job offer soon.

Then Ryan asked about Kevin. He knew we were going to see each other, but I was a bit shocked that he asked. I explained that I missed Kevin and that it was a good visit. Seeing Kevin yesterday reminded me of all the good things about Kevin, but the bad things are still there...I just didn't worry about them. I didn't say it, but I was thinking a lot about how getting back with Kevin wouldn't be that bad. Maybe I could overlook all those bad things. Besides, I don't see things working out with Ryan. And since we hadn't talked in a few days, I was feeling like maybe things with Ryan were simply blown up in my head and there really isn't anything between us.

Interesting enough, Ryan told me a little later in the conversation that he was thinking about all the mushy things he could say to me about how much he likes me. But then he couldn't do it, or forgot what he was going to say, or some other weird excuse. Oh yeah, and he wanted to call me sweetheart, too. It's so weird that he can't just tell me how he feels, but does it in this weird non-committal way. It still made me cry. Like sobbing crying. It was just so much emotional stuff in one day and hearing that Ryan cares about me was enough to push me over the edge.

Last night I was feeling really lucky and like I want to keep things going with Ryan. It's so nice to be wanted. Yet, I've also been concerned lately that Ryan isn't open enough about his feelings with me. Last night confirms it for me. He talks about wanting to tell me how he feels, but then he doesn't actually do it. It's like we're always at the fun, playful level of conversation and seldom dip down into the more serious, honest, open levels. At least not often enough for me.

So I've been thinking that maybe this is one big thing that's wrong with Ryan. Maybe that's why Christa divorced him. Maybe he's really bad about sharing his feelings. I hope that's not the case, because I don't want to be with a man like that for the rest of my life.