Ryan 15

Foreword: In 2004, I kept these posts on a separate blog. I wanted a place to write about my true feelings about Ryan that no one else would read. In 2007, I revisited these posts. and decided to add them to the archives. It's part of my past that is worth remembering especially the honesty with which I wrote these posts.

Life sure has a way of throwing curve balls sometimes, doesn't it? Last night Jeff stayed the night. So Jeff and I have had some attraction for awhile (like 3 years), but it hasn't ever quite worked out. Mostly because when we first got involved, I had just started dating Kevin. Not long after, I decided to commit to Kevin and that shifted Jeff and I into friends. Now that I'm no longer with Kevin, Jeff and I have shifted back into "more than friends" mode. Last weekend when I was visiting Jeff in Austin (for SummerBash3), there was a little kissing but that's all. At the time, I was feeling so much attraction to Ryan that I really didn't want to be with anyone else.

Then this weekend, Jeff came up for Leia's birthday party and for Father's Day. I offered my house as a place to stay, but Jeff usually stays with his mom. Surprisingly his step-sister came into town with her kids and Jeff needed a place to stay. So after going to the birthday party, Jeff followed me home. We got in bed and I fully intended to go right to sleep. It was late and I just wasn't feeling like messing around. Then Jeff kissed me goodnight. It was so sweet and so without expectation. It was like he was telling me that he was completely ok with us going to sleep right away.

After getting a kiss like that, I suddenly wanted him. So I initiated more kissing. Suddenly, I'm totally covered in goose bumps and I never want to stop. It was perfect - the speed, the tenderness, the rhythm. Wow. So we ended up kissing and playing for a few hours. It got as far as oral sex, which was very enjoyable for both of us, and I stopped. The thought of intercourse with anyone other than Kevin right now is really tough. I explained it to Jeff and he was very cool and understanding. But, wow, I've been thinking about it all day. It was so good.

The timing of this event is really interesting. I'm going to Calgary in 4 days to see Ryan. Yet, I'm now thinking about how I want to be with Jeff more often. I don't know. Jeff is wonderful and we have a great friendship, but I don't have the giddy in-love feelings like I do for Ryan. I'm thinking a lot about not getting in a committed relationship right now. So maybe I can be involved with more than one man. There's certainly nothing wrong with it. I just have to figure out who wants to know what. I know that Jeff knows about Ryan, but Ryan has no idea that I'm involved with Jeff (or anyone else for that matter). I don't want to bring up the topic in the event that someone is going to push me to make a decision. Right now I want everyone!

That's not entirely true. There is differing levels of want. Jeff is a 30 year old bartender. I don't want him in a long-term way. Ryan, while he satisfies the job requirement, lives in Canada. Then there's Christian who wrote me a couple days ago to say that he hopes we can see each other despite being involved with other people. I suppose life is just trying to tell me not to settle down right now. So I won't.