On a Plane to Milwaukee

I'm on a plane to Milwaukee to meet with a client. I should be focusing on business, but I'm thinking of the past. I haven't been to Milwaukee since June 2000 when John broke up with me. I can remember him dropping me off at the airport. I remember saying goodbye, wanting to look back, but not looking back. It hurt so much. It was the last time I saw him.

I graduated from Texas Tech University in May 1999 with a bachelor's in fine arts with teaching certification. That summer, while living in Lubbock, I started interviewing for teaching positions all over the state. After a few weeks, which dragged on like months, I took a position in a Houston-area school district. Naturally, my best friend, Autumn, and I went out to celebrate. I distinctly remember it being an off night, like a Monday or Tuesday, so we didn't go to our favorite bar. Instead we went to the daiquiri bar. There were maybe 5 people in the whole place. John came in and sat down next to me. I was immediately attracted to him and flirted a little bit. The conversation was insignificant. I turned away talking with Autumn and was surprised to see him walking out of the bar. I wished I had gotten his phone number.

That moment wouldn't have been significant if I hadn't run into him on campus a few days later. That time I made sure to get his number. We started dating. It was a complicated relationship because I was leaving in two months. He wanted more, but I didn't. The summer together was fun. John even helped me move to Houston. I thought things were over at that point. We were living 7 or 8 hours apart. Yet something changed inside me. I fell in love.

We continued a typical long distance relationship for the end of 1999. In January 2000, John moved to Milwaukee to finish school at Marquette University. We continued the long distance relationship. We spent thousands of dollars on long distance bills. (These were the days before cell phone plans with free long distance were affordable.) I wanted to spend every moment with him. I was lonely in Houston. I disliked my job. I convinced myself that it only made sense for me to move to Milwaukee to be with John. The plan was for me to finish my teaching contract and move in the summer of 2000.

The week after school ended, I flew up to Milwaukee to look for a place to live and to interview for some jobs. I realized something was wrong while I was on the plane. Something just didn't feel right. John was cold and distant. It was such a drastic change from all the other times we were together. A change from how it was when we talked on the phone. I was in shock. The days dragged on. I was miserable, not knowing what happened or if it was my fault. Not knowing what was happening in the one relationship that my life revolved around. Eventually, John made it clear that he didn't want to be with me anymore. I remember sitting in his tiny, efficiency crying and crying. He didn't explain why. Or maybe I just wasn't listening. My whole life shattered at that moment. I was on the first plane back to Texas the following morning. I haven't seen John since.

So I still don't know why it ended. Over the years, I've explained it to myself in a number of ways. Maybe John was scared of commitment. Maybe I was obsessed with him and he realized it wasn't healthy. Maybe he was cheating on me. Maybe he never forgave me for cheating on him. Maybe he met someone better. Maybe he was gay. Maybe he just got sick of me. Maybe he didn't want to feel responsible for my happiness. Maybe he felt like I would hold him back from his dreams. Maybe he just knew deep down that I wasn't the right person for him. I don't know if any of these ideas are right and I probably won't ever know.

What I do know is that things always work out for the best. Good things can come from ashes. If it weren't for John breaking up with me, I would not have moved back to the Dallas area. I wouldn't have gotten into computers or business. I wouldn't be a manager. I wouldn't be getting my MBA. I wouldn't be as close to my family as I am now. There would be no LucciHouse. I wouldn't have spent three incredible years living with my sisters. I wouldn't have Tiger or a blog or all my wonderful friends in Dallas. And I certainly wouldn't be flying to Milwaukee on business right now.

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