Month of February, 2005

El Paso

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I spent the weekend in El Paso with Autumn and Ky. It was extremely relaxing and exactly what I needed. I was reminded that I love the desert. There's something magical about the desert for me. I saw a shooting star on Saturday night. This weekend also reminded that I need a slower pace of life.

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Happy Blogversary

Reading about Alison's 5 year blogversary made me remember that I started blogging in February. As it turns out, my 4 year blogversary was a few days ago. Four years sure goes fast, doesn't it?

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Dear Diary,

Matt hadn't called in a week. When I finally called him, he said he's been sick. I suspect he's mostly sick of me.

I hate it when things turn out this way. I meet someone I like and things seem to be going well. Then all of a sudden they're not. It's tempting to immediately assume I've done something wrong. Yet, I know I didn't do anything wrong. There are just some things that are out of my control. I can't force him to call me back. I can't force him to like me.

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Quote of the Day

"Be on the lookout for life-changing opportunities."

- Mia, during a discussion about jobs

Rosy Things

Things that make me happy right now.
- Galvanize by Chemical Brothers
- Mary by Scissor Sisters
- Hearing my brother-in-law talk about an experience he had that fulfilled a lifelong dream.
- Knowing that after Tuesday, I have a 2 week break from school.

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Not Always Rosy

So sometimes my life isn't quite as rosy as I paint it to be on my blog. Usually if I don't write for awhile it's because I'm simply too busy. But this week I haven't written anything because I'm unhappy. It's been a tough week.

All weekend long I've been trying to avoid thinking about work. Friday evening after work, I came home and tried to take a nap, but I couldn't because I kept thinking about work. Last night I dreamt about work. Today I kept mulling things over in my head when I just wanted to let go. I have a tension headache now and I'm not really sure how I'm going to get to sleep. Work is stressing me out. Badly. I feel like I have a gigantic mountain to climb and I don't know if I can make it. I don't feel like I have any help or support. I feel like I want to give up and yet I know I can't. I have to prove myself.

Obviously, I can't go into detail about how or why work is stressing me out so much right now. Plus, I'm not sure that a year from now I'll want to remember how crappy it was. Instead, I choose to record that things are tough and I want it to end. I know that this too shall pass, but it just doesn't feel like it right now.

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Matt & Me

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Friday night

Last night I saw Zac's band, The Dirty Girls Social Club, play. It was a realxed night for me.

Zac & Noah

Adam, Zac's brother, and I (Congratulations, Adam, on your engagement!)

The band

In other news it's been a crappy week at work. I can't get work out of my mind and yet I also can't seem to find solutions. I need to learn to let go, but I care too much. On the up side, I've been seeing Matt quite a bit. Angels still sing everytime I see him. I'm so happy when I'm not at work and with Matt.

*Update - I failed to mention Ben who plays keyboard for the band. Have I mentioned that piano is my favorite instrument in a rock band? Yep. I love it. So, thank you, Ben, for playing it and bringing me much happiness! Additionally, Ben is the webmaster over at fatmuffinman.com and keeps everyone up and running. Good job, Ben!

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Pictures from San Antonio

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San Antonio

It's finally Friday evening and I'm done with the work week. It's been a long week. Luckily, I have a very fun (and hopefully relaxing) weekend ahead of me. I'm going to San Antonio to visit Phil. I've got a 4.5 hour drive ahead of me so feel free to call my cell if you want to say hi. Luckily I got a great night's rest and won't be falling asleep at the wheel. Enjoy your weekend.

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Fat Wednesday

Wednesday night, Matt and I went to Caves to grab a beer and hang out. Caves was having a Fat Wednesday party with a jazz band and lots of beads. Leska was queen of ceremonies, doesn't she look cute?! Matt and I were about to leave when we decided to chat with Leska and grab a couple pictures. It was a very fun night!

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Quote of the Day

"Don't find reasons not to like him."
- Tim

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Bright Eyes

Just wanted you all to see what a good mood I'm in this morning.

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Work

Today work is going much better than yesterday. I'm much calmer. I didn't sleep enough last night, but I blew off some steam so it was worth it. I've realized that I'm too much of a perfectionist. I always want things fixed right away. It's a good thing to want, but it's impossible when you're dealing with other people. Patience is a virtue. I have to remember that it's only a job, right?

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Stress

I've only been at work 2 hours and 15 minutes and I'm already sick to my stomach with stress. I can tell it's going to be a long day.

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Matt 3

I suppose I'd like to write about something other than Matt simply because I feel like I'm being a bit repetitive. But I can't stop. I must write about him again.

Matt and I have seen each other every day since I last wrote. He took me out to dinner Thursday night then on to Tanstaafl Pub for drinks. It was a chilly night and perfect night to be out. I was relieved to learn he likes sushi. Friday night we were both pretty tired so we just hung out at my house for a few hours. Saturday I studied all day with Aaron and Steve before meeting Matt for dinner.

Saturday night dinner was very special. It was my opportunity to meet Matt's grandparents. Matt's very close with them so it was a big deal. Of course, it meant a lot to me that he wanted to introduce me, especially so quickly. Dinner went wonderfully. We all got along well and conversation flowed comfortably. I think they liked me. I definitely like them. Now I understand why Matt speaks so highly of them. After dinner we went to J&J's Blues Bar to listen to some music. It was the perfect location - very laid back with good music. We wrapped up the night with a beer at Caves.

Conversation has been consistently good. We are probably tiptoeing around each other a little bit, but it's to be expected this early in the relationship. We're already quite honest , but there's a little bit of apprehension on both of our parts. Yet, I feel like I have a boyfriend all of a sudden. It's hard to explain, but it's as if we've known each other for months and that's what happens after lots of time. The only weird part is that there really hasn't been much time. Matt and I talked about how we've slipped into this situation. Neither of us can really explain it but it is significant. Not something to be forgotten. Our interaction is very fluid and easy. We're completely comfortable yet we know so little about each other. It's a very different experience for me, but it still feels right.

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Matt 2

Matt and I spent a couple hours together last night. We hadn't planned on getting together, but I didn't want to wait for the weekend. He came over to my house and we sat on the couch talking, listening to music. ("How junior high," Kristen said when I told her about it later.) It was so nice to just enjoy being together.

We talked a lot. I learned a bit more about him. Though, he probably learned more about me since I rambled on for a good while. Matt pointed out that we live in pretty opposite realities right now. He's studying anthropology and I'm studying business. I work early and he works late. I live in a technological world and he lives in an academic one. The neat thing is we're both interested in and impressed by the things the other person is doing.

We talked about religion and spirituality. It's always a sensitive topic with me, and I don't usually like talking about it. Nothing Matt said last night bothered me. That's a good sign.

All day long I've been thinking about Matt and when I can see him again. When I haven't been stressing about work, I've been thinking about what I like about him. Yes, it's an official junior high crush. Oh, it feels good!

I like that Matt is ambitious. I like that he wants to have a job where he wears a tie every day. I like that Matt has a good relationship with his family. I like that he wants me to meet his family. Naturally, I want him to meet mine too. I like that Matt is humorous without being silly all the time. I like that he has a better vocabulary than me...hopefully I can learn something. I like that he's conscientious about my time. I like that he likes Guinness and Tears for Fears. (Two very important pleasures of mine.)

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Tiger in Leia's Bed

Leia sent this picture along with this... "When you were out of town a couple of weeks ago, I got out of the shower to find Tiger in my bed! So, I wrapped the covers on top of him and he was so cute, I had to take a picture."

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Quote of the Day

"...Because we're geeks and we email each other even though we're in the same house."

- Karen

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Matt

We started talking and surprisingly I wasn't disappointed within the first minute. That was when I sat up and paid attention. Suddenly I was engaged in the most energetic conversation I've had in months. Talking just flowed. There were so many things to pull me in and keep me going. When I finally came up for air, I felt disbelief and complete happiness.

We picked out music together on the jukebox. He had good taste without being a music snob. He's tall, thin, and confident, but I don't think that's the word he used. He says he's comfortable in his own skin. He has good teeth. He says he's fated. He's well-spoken, well-read, and smells good. He answered my silly questions. He says he wants to impress me.

I loved that we both sang the songs we picked from the jukebox. I loved that he left his hat to show me he was coming back. I loved that we effortlessly slipped into talking about the future. I loved that we talked about flaws and he teased me about mine. I loved that he switched to drinking soda so that he would remain lucid. I loved that neither of us wanted it to end.

I hardly know what to think. Part of me wants to jump in and go as deep as possible. Part of me wants to run away. But I won't. This is a gift. I will choose to enjoy this gift as long as it's intended.

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