Month of August, 2004

Quote of the Day

"My weekends are too often like a size 12 girl trying to fit into a size 6 dress, cramming and stuffing until the seams bloat. Simultaneously unrealistic, satisfying, and exhausting."
- LisaWhiteman, on Sunday, Aug 29, 2004

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New Bathroom

It's hard to believe, but the tile in my bathroom is finally done. We've been renovating for over a month. Due to some delays in ordering the tub, nothing has been done in weeks. Yesterday, they finally finished. Only a few minor things to go before it's officially complete. Here's the first picture.

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Quote of the Day

"He's one of the biggest democrats in the state, but that's kind of like being a tall midget."
- Josh

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Cough

I've got a cough that keeps getting worse. It started Friday (ever so slightly) and I thought I was around too much cigarette smoke on Thursday. By Saturday morning, I had a sore throat and the cough was getting worse. Today it's coming on strong without sign of relief. I'm completely frustrated. It's August for goodness sake - who gets sick in the summertime? Surely this is just allergies or something.

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Mike & Mindy's Shower

Mike and Mindy are getting married in October. I've known Mike since high school where we met in art class. They had a couple's shower today at Mike's parents house. It was really nice. They totally made out like bandits, which is the whole point of the shower, really. Both Mike and Mindy's families were extremely gracious and hilarious too. Celebrating with friends was a great way to spend a Saturday afternoon.

Driving back home, I felt a twang of sadness. I guess it's because I'm not getting married. I've had so much marriage happiness around me in the past 6 months I feel like it should be my turn and that there's something wrong with me because it's not. So I was thinking these things and then stopped myself. Wait, I'm happy. My life is absolutely incredible. I have no reason to feel sad. I've got a great job. I'm pursuing higher education. I've got great friends. And there's no one in my life right now that I'd want to commit to forever. So instead of feeling bad about it, I am thankful that I've had so many wonderful relationships throughout the years. And I can look forward to many wonderful relationships in the future. My life is full of good things. I have nothing to be sad about.

Well, except for one thing. I'm sad that I can't have a big party where the lots of family and friends get together to celebrate. People joke that it's only weddings and funerals that bring everyone together, but it's true. It makes me sad, but I'm going to do something about it. I'm going to have huge party when I graduate. It will be a whole weekend long. I'll invite all my friends in other citiies as well as the extended family. (Which means I'd better start planning now so they can start planning travel arrangements.) There will be a big meal and then drinking and dancing - just like a wedding...except we'll be celebrating my achievement rather than my relationship. Really, it's just an excuse to have a big party and have people who are important to my life around.

Do you want to come celebrate with me? I guess I'd better start planning. Right now all I can figure is that it will be next summer. Probably early in the summer so it's not too hot. It will be in Arlington. The rest of the plan will be coming soon.

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Burning Man

Burning Man starts on Monday. I wish I was going. Someone remind me to drop everything next year and just go. This is something I have to experience.

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Wednesday Night

I am really excited about my Wednesday night class - "Starting a Business." The professor is really good and the content is exciting. It's also exciting, because I finally have class with my favorite school friends - Charlie, Aaron, and Dale. My other favorite friends are in class at the same time - Mike, Adam, Chethan, Brandon, and Jeff. So at the break, we were all able to catch up. It felt like homecoming!

Everyone was so excited to see each other, we grabbed a couple beers after class at The Green Elephant. (Not exactly my favorite bar...too many undergrads.) The company was excellent. When I finally got back to Arlington, I didn't feel like going home so I stopped by Maverick bar. Scotty was hanging out watching Cliff, Tim, and Richard recover the pool tables. Did I mention Cliff is a bartender at The Maverick now? Hung out with Scotty and Jenine, listened to bad death metal on the jukebox (who picks that stuff?), and drank another beer. Got home entirely too late, but it was a great night.

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Lyrics

I have the best sister in the world. On the way to school today, I called her from the car to look up some lyrics for me. I was listening to Switchfoot and I couldn't tell what one line said. Kristen was kind enough to look it up for me. I sang to my heart's content on the rest of the way to school.

The lyric was "More than fine, more than bent on getting by."

Can't Remember

Just got email from my boss about an issue then he immediately sent a second email which said, "and hey, I think I needed to talk to you about something else, but can't remember what." I don't know why, but that's the funniest thing I've read all day.

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Commute with a Phone

I love talking on the phone during my commute. It makes me feel like I'm using the time productively instead of just sitting there. Though I do enjoy listening to music now that I have radio without commercials. Yesterday morning, I talked with Christian on the way to work. I called thinking he would be up serving coffee to the masses. Turns out, his shop isn't opening until next week so I actually woke him up. He was a sweetheart and talked to me anyway. Christian is opening up a Jittery Joe's coffee shop in Athens, GA, so we had fun talking about things that are happening there. I'm a bit jealous of him - I wish I was starting my own business. We also talked about life and free time and social interactions. It made the drive to work quite enjoyable.

On the way home from work yesterday, I had a good conversation with Kevin. We were just catching up. Kevin got into a good topic which is that we all have access to too much information. We can become overloaded with information if we're not careful. It made me realize that it's good to unplug.

After we got off the phone, I tumbled into bed and fell asleep. Didn't really think I was that tired and surprised that I napped for more than an hour. Dad came over to do some work on the house, which woke me up. Spent the rest of the night hanging out with him, having dinner, and generally just goofing off. Funny how short the evening was after that nap.

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Pictures from the Weekend

Went to Austin and New Braunfels with Amy and her brother, Billy, this weekend. We floated down the river on Saturday. No pictures from the tube trip, but here are a few from Friday night which we spent in Austin and Saturday night which was spent in New Braunfels.

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Quote of the Day

"This is your life. Are you who you want to be?"
- Switchfoot

Nope, not who I want to be, but I'm working on it. I need to be less selfish.

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Ryan 31

Foreword: In 2004, I kept these posts on a separate blog. I wanted a place to write about my true feelings about Ryan that no one else would read. In 2007, I revisited these posts. and decided to add them to the archives. It's part of my past that is worth remembering especially the honesty with which I wrote these posts.

I'm still upset this morning. I'm not as angry as I was last night, but I'm upset. I can't quit thinking about how little emotion Ryan showed. He says he likes me "a lot" but it sounded like he just wanted to say whatever would make me happy. I guess I'm reading a lot into the situation since I feel like Kevin and I went through this. Kevin wanted more, I didn't really want more, yet felt like I had to agree to keep him. Ryan probably feels the same way. I don't want to do to Ryan that Kevin did to me. Because I know how that ends.

Now the question is, do I have the balls to stop talking to Ryan?

Ryan 30

Foreword: In 2004, I kept these posts on a separate blog. I wanted a place to write about my true feelings about Ryan that no one else would read. In 2007, I revisited these posts. and decided to add them to the archives. It's part of my past that is worth remembering especially the honesty with which I wrote these posts.

So I finally had the conversation with Ryan about his not coming to visit. I explained that I felt like him coming to visit was proof that he liked me. I told him I was afraid he didn't like me as much as I liked him. He said the main problem with coming to visit was the fact he just bought a second house. But I just have such a hard time believing its just the money. I told him that I just want him to be honest with me about how he feels. That I've been in a situation where I didn't like the other person (Kevin) as much as he liked me; yet, I wasn't honest about it because I was comfortable and happy. Ryan says that he likes me a lot and he enjoys my company. Which I know is true otherwise he wouldn't spend time with me on the phone like he does. But I need him to make the effort to visit. I need him to show me how he feels.

He talked about how he doesn't show his feelings like I do. And I know he doesn't. But I just get the feeling that he's not into this like I am. He's not thinking long term like I am. I want to move to Calgary and be closer. I want to get married someday. I even fantasized the other day about the ring he'd pick out and how he'd ask. When I asked him tonight where he sees this in a year, he couldn't answer. He said he still hoped there be an "us" but that he didn't know what that would entail. Fuck that. Fuck the fact that he doesn't even have a fantasy about us in a year. Why am I wasting my time? I have plenty of other men showing me all the attention that I need. Why can't I like them as much as they like me? Why do I have to pick the guy in another COUNTRY? Who just go divorced...isn't even officially divorced?! Who can't even give me a time frame as to when he thinks he'll come visit. If he can't even give me an idea if his visit will be this year or next year, why am I wasting my time?

It's so tempting to call him back right now and tell him it's over. I can't do this anymore. It's not what I want. I want someone who wants to settle down and get serious. I don't want someone who just enjoys my company. I don't want to be investing all this time and energy into "maybe there will be an us in a year." Fuck. I'm so upset. I'm sitting here crying. This is ridiculous. I want to throw up. I'm not going to call him. For awhile.

Today I was thinking about how easily I could have gotten hit by a car. I thought that it would be awful because I wouldn't have been able to tell Ryan that I love him. I wondered if he would have regretted never telling me before I died. How foolish. It's obvious we're in two completely different worlds.

Undergrads

Campus is crawling tonight with undergrads. I had forgotten that they would be back this week. The summer semester was so blissful without them. I could park close, walk to class without seeing anyone, and not worry about getting run over by an suv. Oh well, I'll get used to it by the end of the week. Besides, I only have one more year to deal with it!

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Grumpiness and School

Grumpy. It's Monday and people are grumpy at work. Including me. When other people make a simple process complicated, I get grumpy. It probably doesn't help that I spent a ton of time yesterday talking about starting my own business. I know it would be more work, but at least it would be work I want to do. And I wouldn't have to deal with people that would mess it up.

Good news is school starts today. I'm taking "Starting a Business" and "Marketing Implementation and Control." Looking forward to both classes quite a bit. Got my grades from the last round of classes and I did quite well. Had the highest GPA this summer that I've had my whole grad school experience. Not that I focus on grades much...what I learned is far more important than the grade I recieved. Hopefully this semester will be a very educational one. It's my second to last semester.

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Ryan 29

Foreword: In 2004, I kept these posts on a separate blog. I wanted a place to write about my true feelings about Ryan that no one else would read. In 2007, I revisited these posts. and decided to add them to the archives. It's part of my past that is worth remembering especially the honesty with which I wrote these posts.

Had a fabulous conversation last night with Ryan. It was late and I hadn't planned on talking long, but Ryan wanted to talk. He told me sweet things like that he really enjoys talking with me and I make him smile. I wish I could have recorded the way he said these things. It was so very sweet. Oh yeah, he also said he was thinking about me while he was cleaning his sink. Not that it's romantic that cleaning makes him think of me, but it IS romantic that he's thinking of me out of the blue. Even more romantic that he told me!

We talked about the differences between men and women. His best example is from when he was a kid. His mother would come home and get upset that the dishes weren't done, but Ryan didn't know he should do the dishes since she never asked. It has to do with the way women assume things and think about things, but men don't. Ryan says that men simply don't talk about things in the same way women do. For example, he went golfing with 3 strangers last weekend. Though he spent 5+ hours with them and talked a bit, he didn't know any personal information about them like what they did for a living. Men simply don't interact on that level whereas women do. Sometimes talking about this type of thing is frustrating because why would it ever make sense for men and women to get together? But Ryan has a positive spin on it - he says he likes talking with me on my level, about deeper things. Men need women in that way.

A couple weeks ago, I was very angry about Ryan. I was angry because he hasn't talked any more about coming to visit me. It makes me feel like he doesn't like me enough and that I'm getting played. So I quit calling for a few days though we did send email. I kinda stewed and got angrier. I found that the more days that went by without talking to Ryan, the easier it was to simply not call. I was very seriously considering telling him that we shouldn't talk any more because having another long distance relationship was stupid. Yet, every time I thought about saying it, I got a tight nervous feeling in my stomach. It was like my body was saying, "I don't want to leave this man. I want him in my life." So after a few days, I called Ryan. It was so good to hear his voice and to know I made him smile. He made me smile. I didn't want to give up this relationship simply because I was frustrated and impatient.

Last night's call was a reminder of how good this relationship is. Ryan is a wonderful man who can have wonderful conversations with me.

Hunter's Zoo Pass

While Ryan and Hunter were standing in line to get Hunter's picture taken for his season pass to the zoo, Hunter asked if he could make a pose. Ryan let him and it was that moment, that Ryan knew that Hunter has his genes. The pride was evident in Ryan's voice when he related the story. Hunter is undoubtedly Ryan's blood. They are two peas in a pod.

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Olympics 2004 in Athens

Watching the Olympics tonight on TV. For some reason it has been really emotional for me. I'm sitting here watching women's gymnastics and I'm crying. Well, not so much crying as leaking. The ups and downs of the routines just make me feel so much. It's an amazing sport. It's an amazing event. I can't even begin to imagine how these athletes must feel. Wow.

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School Zone

The bliss of driving to work without having to slow down for a school zone is over. Summer is officially over. School started again and I again have a school zone on my route to work. I hate it. A lot. It's the little things that get to me.

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Where I've Been

So I'm finally done with another semester of school. Last Monday I took my HR final. After class, I went drinking with Amy, Jason, and Carrie. It was Amy's last test EVER. She's officially done with her MBA. Congrats, Amy! We had dollar margaritas on the porch at Ozona's. To our surprise, a posusm came out of nowhere to visit us. I was quick enough to snap a picture. I think we scared it more than it scared us.

On Wednesday, I wrote my strategy paper. Took the day off Wednesday to focus completely on it. Taking a day off was so nice. Focusing completely on school is such a treat. I wish I had done this masters thing without working full-time, but as least I'm actually doing it. Now I'm enjoying a whole week and a half without the responsibility of school hanging over my head.

Wednesday night it felt so good to be done that I decided to celebrate. Scotty went with me and even let me pick the place. Of course we went to Caves Lounge (my favorite bar). It's the total hipster hang-out…if you could call the kids in Arlington, Texas, hipsters. (Not sure if you can…they're a weird mix between hipster and punk rock.) The weather has been absolutely incredible, because we had a cool front come through. Naturally, we sat on the patio. Scotty even brought a stick of incense for us to enjoy while we sat outside. How's that for thinking ahead?! Caves was having karaoke on the patio Wednesday night. It took awhile to get things rolling, but pretty soon we were enjoying some punk rock karaoke. Hilarious but I didn't actually participate.

Thursday night Mom and Dad had Kristen, Leia, Scotty, and I over for dinner. We had hot dogs and sat on the porch. The weather was again gorgeous. We had watermelon for dessert. Later in the evening Scotty and I watched "Lost in Translation." I really enjoyed it. It was my kind of movie.

Friday night went out with Troy, who is moving very soon to San Diego. (I'm so excited for him!) Troy is a wonderful, wonderful person and a heck of fun to drink with. We had waaay too much fun. So much fun that I found myself throwing up at 3:30am. Don't think Troy was much better off. What were we thinking?

Spent a lot of Saturday morning in bed feeling pretty crappy. I recovered just in time for Kristen's graduation ceremony on Saturday afternoon. Yep, you heard it right, Kristen is officially a college graduate! We're so proud of her. Being at the ceremony was very special. I know that Kristen worked really hard and waited for that moment for a very long time. I remembered how it felt when I graduated. I thought about how I'll feel in May when I graduate again. There was a lot of excitement on Saturday afternoon in the Lucci family.

Saturday night Mom and Dad took Kristen and I to dinner at The Keg. We had steak and lobster and everything was incredible. Being with my family is one of the best parts of my life. My family is absolutely incredible and I love them a lot. Karen & Jason, we missed you on Saturday! After dinner, Kristen and I met up with a bunch of her friends in downtown Fort Worth. The weather was again beautiful so we sat on the porch. I think Kristen had a really good time, which is all that mattered. It was her celebration.

Today I cleaned house, organized, and put up a new porch light (with Dad's help).

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LucciHouse Network

Matt is a good friend. He is giving us advice on how to set up our network. He even made a diagram!

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Flip Flops

I don't have it together today. I managed to walk out of the house with flip flops on. I can't believe I'm wearing flip flops at work. How silly of me.

Sunscreen
The bathroom at the office smells like sunscreen today. Is someone going to the beach today? Oh wait, we're in the middle of Texas, nowhere near a beach. Is someone taunting us by purchasing sunscreen-scented bathroom fragrance? Or do I just need a vacation?

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Quote of the Day

"A manager's job is to make knowledge productive, to turn intellectual capital into customer value."
- Dave Ulrich in "Intellectual Capital = Competence X Commitment"

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Ryan 28

Foreword: In 2004, I kept these posts on a separate blog. I wanted a place to write about my true feelings about Ryan that no one else would read. In 2007, I revisited these posts. and decided to add them to the archives. It's part of my past that is worth remembering especially the honesty with which I wrote these posts.

I'm feeling awful about Ryan this morning. Night before last we were chatting and he asked what I did for fun. I told him Scotty came over and cooked dinner for Kristen, Leia, and I. Naturally there was an awkward feeling and he asked who Scotty was. Though, I know he knows who Scotty is, because we've talked about him before. I suppose he was trying to give me a chance to tell him that I'm dating Scotty, but I didn't. I wanted to but it felt too weird. Then the moment was gone.

Ryan was going out last night with coworkers, but I told him I wanted to talk anyhow. I told him that it wouldn't be too late to call and he indicated he would. When I was falling asleep at 11 o'clock, I decided I didn't want to be bothered and turned off my phone. This morning I expected to have a voice mail, but I didn't.

Elsewhere

Evhead made a good point about buying happiness. You can buy happiness if it's making your life better instead of just buying more stuff. The one thing I wish I could do to improve my life is to live closer to work and school so I could spend less time driving.

"If I had known beforehand how great being married was, I would have done it a lot sooner." - Julie

"I just don't know that I can spend 30 years with my kind, considerate roommate. Nope, we don't argue, we get along great, enjoy each other's company. There is just no passion, no intimacy. We haven't had a real conversation in years." - Patina

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Said the Wrong Thing

It's crappy when I feel like I say the wrong thing. I wanted to say more because talking through it could make things better. But then I got scared, there was an akward moment that hung forever, and then I didn't say anything at all. I know that if we had just talked about it, I wouldn't be feeling this way. I would have woken up happy on Friday morning instead of feeling like this.

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Sunglasses

Kristen drove us to work today. She let me wear her sunglasses.

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35th Anniversary

Today is my parents 35th wedding anniversary. It's hard for me to imagine being with another person for that long. Yet after all this time, my parents love each other completely and have an immense amount of fun together. I'm so grateful to have parents that love each other enough to stay together all this time. I know they must consider themselves lucky to have shared 35+ years of experiences together.

Congratulations to my fabulous mother and father!

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Jenine's Birthday

Last night was Jenine and Ken's birthday party. Fun was had. This is me with birthday cake in my mouth. Thanks, Cliff and Josh, for hosting it. Slides here.

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Ryan 27

Foreword: In 2004, I kept these posts on a separate blog. I wanted a place to write about my true feelings about Ryan that no one else would read. In 2007, I revisited these posts. and decided to add them to the archives. It's part of my past that is worth remembering especially the honesty with which I wrote these posts.

Thinking about Ryan all the time these days. I consistently fantasize about living in the same city and doing things together. I imagine myself graduating and moving to Calgary. I'm wondering if I'm wrapped up into the idea of Ryan and am making the fantasy better than reality would be. Oh well, it makes me happy...he makes me really, really happy. I still get goofy junior high feelings when he tells me he misses me.