Month of July, 2004

Cowboy Ryan 2

Ryan in the cowboy shirt I sent.

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Cameron in the Boston Globe

I have a billion famous friends. Or at least a lot of friends who seem to be making it into the press these days. This time it was Cameron who was written up. (Link via Alison)

LucciHouse's New Tenant

Leia moves in to LucciHouse tomorrow. The past week has been all about making the house beautiful and clean. Tonight was all about cleaning and it looks great. We can't wait for our new roommate!

Ryan 26

Foreword: In 2004, I kept these posts on a separate blog. I wanted a place to write about my true feelings about Ryan that no one else would read. In 2007, I revisited these posts. and decided to add them to the archives. It's part of my past that is worth remembering especially the honesty with which I wrote these posts.

Still feeling a lot of awesome, sweet emotions for Ryan. I don't remember the last time I felt this giddy over someone for so long. It's such a treat! Makes me wonder when it will go away or if I should try to hold onto it forever.

Perpetually Misunderstood

I have this professor who always misunderstands me. It seems that no matter what type of comment I make in class he doesn't get it. I try to add helpful and interesting comments to the class discussion, yet it's futile. He either doesn't understand the point I'm trying to make or he perpetually thinks it's a stupid point. He never comes out and says it, but I know he thinks my ideas are stupid. It's frustrating. I'm not a poor communicator. I like to think I'm a really strong communicator. Neither am I stupid. Not the smartest person in class by any stretch of the imagination (well, I can probably think of a couple random topics that I'm smarter in than most of my classmates), but I'm not stupid either. So why do I always leave this class feeling stupid? I'm so ready to be done with this semester.

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Purple Rain

This morning the 80's station was playing Purple Rain - the whole album. It's the 20th anniversary or something. (What's sad is I've never seen the movie...just know all the songs.) So I rocked out to Prince all the way to work. That in addition to the amazingly cool weather (70 F / 21 C) put me in a great mood.

The weather has been like this the past couple days and it's been so nice! It's pretty unusal to have such cool weather at the end of July in Texas. I wonder how long it's going to last. I'd check a forecast, but I don't want to ruin it for me. The surprise is definitely worth the wait.

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Quote of the Day 2

Ryan watched School of Rock tonight, and we were talking about our favorite parts. He said, "I liked the bitchy girlfriend. I think everyone else should have one of those unless: a. they are me, b. I know the guy, c. they hang out anywhere near me."

Quote of the Day

"I am always happy to share the TIVO koolaid."
- Leia

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DFWBlogs in the Fort Worth Star Telegram

Leia gets quoted again! Fort Worth Star Telegram's article, "Web journals gaining readers and influence."

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Looking Back

I love that having a blog gives me a timeline of my life. Sometimes I like to go back and remember what I was doing this time last year or this time two years ago.

This time last year, Karen and J got engaged! I wrote about how sad it would be to not have her living with me anymore. You know, it is a little sad, but not nearly as much as I thought it would be. It's all wonderful now knowing that Karen and J are happy and having incredible adventures in Europe.

This time two years ago, I got a new haircut. Still looks pretty much the same today.

This time three years ago, I got the job at my current company. It's hard to imagine my 3-year anniversary with this company is August 13th. Time has gone so fast!

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Grapevine Glass Studio

Last night I went to The Grapevine Glass Studio. My friend, Cliffton Crofford and two other glass artists have just begin their glass blowing business. They create art glass but also functional glass pieces such as sinks and light fixtures. Last night was gallery night so we were able to go and watch them work.

I even comissioned a piece from Cliffton. I'll post a picture when I get it! Let me know if you need some glass. They do beautiful work! A few pictures of the evening.

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Wake Up

I got the sweetest wake-up this morning. Tiger simply put his cold nose on my elbow. He's never done that before but it was perfect.

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Ryan 25

Foreword: In 2004, I kept these posts on a separate blog. I wanted a place to write about my true feelings about Ryan that no one else would read. In 2007, I revisited these posts. and decided to add them to the archives. It's part of my past that is worth remembering especially the honesty with which I wrote these posts.

I'm feeling guilty. I think I might be in love with Ryan yet I'm dating someone else. Last weekend I went to a party, got incredibly drunk, and ended up making out with Scotty. Scotty is a great friend and there's always been some interest between us yet it's never happened. There was always something preventing it. I don't know why I didn't prevent it this time, but maybe it was the alcohol. Truth is I enjoy Scotty and I'm enjoying hanging out with him. I'm even enjoying kissing him, which is why I feel so bad right now.

I went out with Scott and a few friends tonight. I dropped Scott off at his house and we kissed in the car for awhile. It was so nice and sweet and all of that. But it's not Ryan. I just want to be with Ryan. I feel awful to do this to Scott and to Ryan. I'm feeling so bad right now that I'm thinking about telling Ryan that we shouldn't date right now. Besides, it would just be easier for me to casually be with someone here than try to figure out how a long distance relationship is going to work with a man in Canada. With a child. With an ex-wife. Ok, with a sortof-ex-wife. Thinking about that makes me incredibly sad. I want Ryan in my life. I want to be with Ryan all the time. I want to live with Ryan. I want to have children with Ryan. Why the hell am I dating anyone else?!

I'm crying now and I all upset. Maybe it's just the effect of the margarita I drank tonight. Maybe this will all feel better in the morning. I so desperately want to talk to Ryan, but at the same time I'll feel awful if I do. I'm afraid that if he finds out about Scott, he won't want me anymore. That would crush me. Yet, again, I always believe that honesty is the best policy. What's wrong with me?!

Spreading the Word

In class tonight on break, I had the pleasure of explaining to some classmates about blogs. One of my classmates had heard something on the radio about a blog and didn't know what the radio host was talking about. I overheard the conversation and go to share. They probably think I'm crazy, but it was really fun to share my experience. I love blogging and I love sharing it with other people. Fun, fun.

I Need a Drink

Today very quickly turned into a day where drinking after work seems necessary. Too bad I have to go to class instead.

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Ryan 24

Foreword: In 2004, I kept these posts on a separate blog. I wanted a place to write about my true feelings about Ryan that no one else would read. In 2007, I revisited these posts. and decided to add them to the archives. It's part of my past that is worth remembering especially the honesty with which I wrote these posts.

Incredibly sweet email from Ryan:

Things I was thinking this morning in no particular order.
- It would be nice to wake up together and have to fight for the shower
- That your pretty
- I like you a lot
- It would be nice to spend some of my quality day (weekends) with you
doing hanging out things
- You're smart
- You make good conversation
- That you tease me and I don't like it but I kinda do
- You have nice hair
- You look great when your lipstick matches your shirt
- It might be nice if you lived a little closer
- You have a pretty good head on your shoulders, not just a pretty one
- Even though you don't live closer I still like having you in my life
- Your a bid of a computer geek
- At least your good qualities out weight the computer geek part
- I like that we can talk about more than just the weather
- You smell nice
- Your not a prude
- You like to do lots of the same fun things I like to do
- You tolerate me
- You say nice things to me all the time
- You make me feel cute even if I know you lying

And then I had to go to work.
r

Ryan 23

Foreword: In 2004, I kept these posts on a separate blog. I wanted a place to write about my true feelings about Ryan that no one else would read. In 2007, I revisited these posts. and decided to add them to the archives. It's part of my past that is worth remembering especially the honesty with which I wrote these posts.

Ryan and I had a really good conversation last night. We talked more about us and how we feel. Some points that stand out in my head.

• Ryan said that he normally stays really light and on the surface with people. He hardly ever talks about anything serious or "important." Except with me. He said I bring that out in him.
• He said that Loud Ryan is just one expression of Shy Ryan.
• We talked more about me moving to Canada. He tried to convince me that it isn't so different than me moving to middle-of-nowhere Montana. I disagree simply because of the paperwork involved with two different countries, but I agree that it's possible. I'm going to have to look into that a bit more.
• We reminisced more about how we met. Apparently, Ryan didn't know if I really liked him/was interested in him until I kissed him in the elevator on the way up to our rooms. I guess I didn't know 100% myself until I kissed him. Ryan said he wasn't going to be forward and kiss me first. So it was good that I did it.
• The junior high effect is wearing off some. Mostly apparent in the fact that we don't stay up until 2 o'clock in the morning on a regular basis anymore. Though, last night we were up until 1 a.m. Dallas time. Neither of us really wanted to get off the phone, we were just too tired to stay on anymore.
• Ryan is looking at getting a ticket to visit. It's not the best time of year for it, but he's going to try to use his airline miles. I told him that I'm a lot more patient and calm about him coming to visit than I was. A couple weeks ago, I was very anxious and ready for him to make plans. Then I realized that there's no hurry and I might even need to chill out a little bit. That caught Ryan by surprise, apparently, I haven't communicated that to him at all. I'm pretty good at keeping those things to myself so I don't scare him off.
• Ryan has a hard time telling his family that he loves them. He tells Hunter all the time, but he doesn't tell his parents very often. I'm encouraging him to work on that. He can't pinpoint why it's like that for him; it just is.
• We talked a little bit about how he felt when Christa told him she wanted to "do something different," i.e. get a divorce. He implied that he wasn't as upset as he could have been due to the level at which he loved her. He also said he felt very, very betrayed. It breaks my heart to think about how that must have felt. I hope I never know that feeling.

It was a great conversation. Ryan is an incredible man. I care about him a whole lot. I think a lot about having him in my life permanently. Though it scares me to think about what I'd have to give up to have that happen. Why is commitment so hard for me?

Weekend of Parties

What a great weekend. Friday night just hung out with Kristen and watched Butterfly Effect. Despite the bad reviews it got, I really liked it.

Saturday I spent the afternoon shopping with my parents. It was a lot of fun. I learned that for a summer my father lived with his sister and her husband when he was in college. My mother even went to visit him there. (This was a little before they were serious.) Dad had an internship as a programmer. When Mom came to visit, it was the week of the Democratic National Convention and Chicago was crazy. The year was 1968 and the country wasn't the stablest. It was really neat to hear their stories.

Saturday night I went to Monica's Ala y Alla to celebrate Peter's birthday. It was an absolute blast. I really enjoyed getting to know Lara, Peter's girlfriend. (Another success story for Match.com.) The best part of the evening was the conga line for all the people celebrating that night. Naturally we made Peter get in the line. Eventually I joined too. The best part was getting a shot of Tequila poured into my mouth at the end. After dinner, Peter, Lara, and I sat outside at a rooftop bar for a couple more drinks. We got Peter sufficiently drunk and called it a night.

Got back to Arlington and went to a party at Hunter's. Hunter is a friend from high school so I saw a bunch of people I went to high school with. It's hard to believe I've been out of high school ten years already! I tend to cross paths with a lot of the people I saw last night, but it certainly had been a long time. A couple people complimented me on my hair (it's a lot different now than it was in high school), but I've been wearing it like this for over three years! One of the best part of the party was getting my superhero identity from Scotty. I'm now dubbed "Corporate Girl." I've got all sorts of awesome powers but he's going to have to remind me what they are. It was a hella good party for sure. In fact, I stayed until almost 5am. (I have no idea how it got so late so quickly, but at least Hunter's house is only a 3 minute drive to my house.)

Slept until 11am to make up for getting in bed so late. Went to a luncheon to celebrate the dedication of Katie, the daughter of Jason and Becca. Also got to see Tim and Mandy and their new daughter, Lily. It was awesome seeing such good family friends and getting to celebrate with them.

Took a nap when I got home from the luncheon. Then got up and mowed the yard. It cooled off tonight so the weather was perfect. So perfect that I finished the yard and took Tiger for a long walk. Spent the rest of the evening doing school work. Now it's time to sleep.

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Cowboy Ryan

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Quote of the Day

"I'll have a bigger buzz than insects in Texas."
- Kanye West

On the Way to Work

As I was sitting in traffic this morning, I was watching the woman in the car behind me. At first I thought she was rocking out because there was a lot of head movement. But after just a moment, I realized that she was getting high! All the head movement was to scope out people in cars around her. Amazing.

I totally forgot that there are people who get high before they go to work. Or that there are people that get high in the car in broad daylight! Or that people get high at all. I live in a bubble.

Ryan 22

Foreword: In 2004, I kept these posts on a separate blog. I wanted a place to write about my true feelings about Ryan that no one else would read. In 2007, I revisited these posts. and decided to add them to the archives. It's part of my past that is worth remembering especially the honesty with which I wrote these posts.

I hadn't talked to Ryan much in the past couple of days since it was Stampede week in Calgary. He was attending lots of parties and staying out late. Last night I knew he was home, but I didn't call like normal. I was just feeling so sad about Kevin and wondering how Ryan fits into it all. So I cried myself to sleep instead. (Not sobbing, just a few tears.)

To my surprise and hopes, Ryan called. He woke me up and I wasn't making much sense so he let me go. Then I woke up enough to want to talk with him so I called him back. We talked for a couple hours about a lot of stuff. Mostly about his time at Stampede. Some about work, Ryan might be getting a job offer soon.

Then Ryan asked about Kevin. He knew we were going to see each other, but I was a bit shocked that he asked. I explained that I missed Kevin and that it was a good visit. Seeing Kevin yesterday reminded me of all the good things about Kevin, but the bad things are still there...I just didn't worry about them. I didn't say it, but I was thinking a lot about how getting back with Kevin wouldn't be that bad. Maybe I could overlook all those bad things. Besides, I don't see things working out with Ryan. And since we hadn't talked in a few days, I was feeling like maybe things with Ryan were simply blown up in my head and there really isn't anything between us.

Interesting enough, Ryan told me a little later in the conversation that he was thinking about all the mushy things he could say to me about how much he likes me. But then he couldn't do it, or forgot what he was going to say, or some other weird excuse. Oh yeah, and he wanted to call me sweetheart, too. It's so weird that he can't just tell me how he feels, but does it in this weird non-committal way. It still made me cry. Like sobbing crying. It was just so much emotional stuff in one day and hearing that Ryan cares about me was enough to push me over the edge.

Last night I was feeling really lucky and like I want to keep things going with Ryan. It's so nice to be wanted. Yet, I've also been concerned lately that Ryan isn't open enough about his feelings with me. Last night confirms it for me. He talks about wanting to tell me how he feels, but then he doesn't actually do it. It's like we're always at the fun, playful level of conversation and seldom dip down into the more serious, honest, open levels. At least not often enough for me.

So I've been thinking that maybe this is one big thing that's wrong with Ryan. Maybe that's why Christa divorced him. Maybe he's really bad about sharing his feelings. I hope that's not the case, because I don't want to be with a man like that for the rest of my life.

Kevin's Visit & London Pictures

I saw Kevin today for the first time since March. He was flying through Dallas after visiting his parents. He had a three-hour layover, so I picked him up and we had breakfast. It was really, really good to see him. Things are cool with us now that we've had some time. I'm glad to have him back in my life. Afterall, we were best friends for two years and that's not something easily given up.

Last night as I was thinking about Kevin's visit, I decided it was finally time to go through the pictures from our trip to London. Hope you enjoy them.

Slides | Index

Ryan 21

Foreword: In 2004, I kept these posts on a separate blog. I wanted a place to write about my true feelings about Ryan that no one else would read. In 2007, I revisited these posts. and decided to add them to the archives. It's part of my past that is worth remembering especially the honesty with which I wrote these posts.

Saw Kevin for the first time in 4 months today. He was in Lubbock visiting his parents and flew through Dallas. Since he had a 3 hour layover, I picket him up at the airport and we had breakfast. It was really good to see him. I'm shocked at how much I miss him. How much I enjoyed seeing him and talking with him. How I felt like I wanted to kiss him. He's such a good man. There are so many wonderful things about Kevin. I want him to be in my life again. I'm just not sure if I should. Kevin made it clear to me that he wants to talk more. When I said that I had thought about coming to NYC, he encouraged me. He definitely wants me back in his life. Though, I'm not sure to what extent.

He smelled so good. I'm so comfortable with him. I know him and trust him. Conversation is always interesting and wonderful. Yet many of the things are still the same. He mumbles. He's goofy. He's trying to live an unconventional life of trading foreign exchange and not working. Though it sounds like he might actually be pulling it off...though hard to say what will happen long term.

I cried a little bit, but I kinda expected that. I miss him. It's to be expected.

He's been seeing someone else - Carrie. They met a couple weeks before I met Ryan. Though it doesn't sound as if its going particularly well. He described her as "difficult." Apparently he tried to break up with her last weekend but they're still talking. I told him about Ryan. Didn't have anything bad to say about him besides his divorce, child, and Canadian status. I don't know how it made Kevin feel, but I know that I feel a bit relieved that he's been seeing someone. It makes me feel like we could have a friendship without any pressure of getting back together.

All in all, it was a great visit. I remembered all the great things about Kevin. He's interesting, smart, funny. He has beautiful eyes. He even ordered my meal for me. Neat that he'd go to all that trouble since he knows I like that. It makes me want Kevin back in my life, but I just don't know to what extent. It will be best for us to be just friends. We're best as friends. Though it will be hard not to want more. We were intimate for so many years.

Life is so interesting. It brings many different experiences and feelings. I learn new things about myself all the time. Like I've never really wanted to be back with someone I broke up with. Now I'm finding that I want that. It's probably not the best thing for me long term, but it doesn't mean I'm going to do it. Just thoughts. Hopefully Kevin and I will begin to talk more and figure out what our interaction should be. It'll be good to be in each others lives again. Like Kevin said, we're still best friends.

Presidential Politics

WARNING - Political rant ahead.

I don't talk about politics much, but I was thinking about the presidential race on the way to work today. Then, a coworker brought it up casually. In the process of the conversation, he said, "Kerry just hasn't excited me."

You know what, I don't care about excitement. I don't care about charisma or spark or fuzzy feelings. I simply want Bush out of the White House. I refuse to support someone who starts wars for no reason. Someone who goes against the inclinations of the whole world. Someone who has intolerable foreign policy. And crappy economic policy. Someone who didn't even get the popular vote.

It would be nice if I could have fuzzy feelings about Kerry and be motivated and excited. But ultimately that doesn't matter. We could have someone with the personality of a cardboard box running for president and as long as it would get Bush out of office, I would vote for them.

Leia Moves to LucciHouse

July 30th LucciHouse gets a new occupant - Leia is moving in!

Awhile back I posted that Kristen and I were going to have to move out once Karen left. The landlords (our parents) were nice enough to let us stay a few months after Karen left. Luckily, it was just the amount of time it took us to convince Leia to move to the suburbs. Ok, so we didn't really have to convince her...it was just time for her lease to be up.

So we're staying for another year! I'm not sure if I can tell you how happy this makes me. I love where I live and I especially love this house. Now I get to share it with a good friend, whom I'm sure will fall in love with it too. There's no place like home.

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Tiger In My Spot

A couple nights ago, I turned down the sheets to get into bed. Then I remembered something else so I left my bedroom to take care of it. When I came back, someone was in my bed. Looking so comfortable, in fact, that he had his head on the pillow! It was so funny that I snapped a picture, before kicking him out of bed.

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Ryan 20

Foreword: In 2004, I kept these posts on a separate blog. I wanted a place to write about my true feelings about Ryan that no one else would read. In 2007, I revisited these posts. and decided to add them to the archives. It's part of my past that is worth remembering especially the honesty with which I wrote these posts.

Ryan and I are doing a lot of teasing recently. It's the way we flirt, I think. He's said that he likes that he can tease me. I said that it's like junior high, it's how I know he likes me. We're dorky like that.

Yet it doesn't bother me. I like it. I find myself calling him a couple times a day on the weekends. We talk every night. The best confirmation I got from Ryan was when he called after the first night of partying at Stampede. He actually got home after midnight and woke me up just to chat. I was so glad he didn't go home with some random woman and instead he wanted to talk with me.

Last night when I went out with Vanessa and Bernadette, Ryan was still awake when I got home. He didn't say it, but he implied that he was waiting up for my call. That's awesome. Today we traded MP3's and chatted for awhile in the morning. It's just really sweet. Conversation goes from being really goofy and all kinds of teasing to just what's going on in our days to the occasional, serious relationship or life discussion.

What Really Happened to the Class of '93

I recently got a copy of What Really Happened to the Class of '93 by Chris Colin. Just before his 10 year high school reunion, he decided to look up a bunch of classmates and tell their stories. It was like having a bunch of mini reunions. It caught my attention because next month marks my 10 year anniversary of high school graduation. Yeah, a little unusal, but I graduated in August 1994. I graduated almost a year early (went to summer school for senior English and government). It's hard to believe it's been 10 years already. It's gone so very fast.

So while I'm not going to the reunion for class of '94 this year (since it's really not my class...all my friends were class of '95), I thought it would be fun to read about someone else's reunions. And though I don't have enough time on my hands to be reading a book for fun (stupid B school), I'm doing it anyway. Started this mroning and am already sucked in. It's going to be hard to get anything productive done today.

My favorit paragraph from the introduction:

An obvious question arises: So what? That is, why would anyone in his or her right mind read about someone else's high school - isn't this like flipping through the neighbor's wedding photos, or riffling through her diary? After a year and a hlaf of bothering my classmates, the answer I've come up with is: Well, yes. This is rubernecking I'm talking about, the same thing we submit to upon passing a tangle of drama beside the freeway or spying a coupld on their first date and the restaurant table beside us. We stare because we see ourselves in there somehow.

Friday Night

Last night I had class, Human Resource Strategy, then went to dinner and a movie with a couple friends from school, Amy and Jason. We ate at Taco Diner across the street from the Magnolia Theater. Wow, talk about the "place to be" on a Friday night. There were tons of people, all dressed to the nines. I was annoyed that I had to park at the very top of the parking garage (simply because it took so long to drive up there), but was plesantly surprised when I saw the view of downtown. Jason made an excellent point, which is why would the best view be from a parking garage? Why didn't they build apartments up there? At least I got a couple good pictures. One before dinner and movie and one after.

The fish tacos were excellent and then we went to see Napoleon Dynamite. Ryan told me about the film a couple days ago when he went to a free screening (where he even got a cool shirt). Ryan's brother went to school with the filmakers so Ryan was super excited when the film came out. If you're curious what the film is about, this review from the Sundance Film Festival is pretty good. If you're even a little bit curious, skip the link and just go see the movie. I love moviews that are character driven and this one is. Plus the attention to detail was amazing.

On the way home, Christian called. He was in St. Louis for the weekend visiting with some friends who were in town for a wedding. It was fabulous to have someone to chat with on the drive home. He told me about St. Louis and this cosmic experience he had about walking into a restuarant he remembered from a childhood visit to St. Louis. He told me about the local brewery and the different types of beer. Christian is so good at talking about food/beer, I swear I could listen to him talk about it all night long.

Got home and after showing the dogs some attention, I went to bed. Wasn't alseep long before Ryan woke me up. He had been out partying all day long (literally ALL day - he started at noon) for Calgary Stampede. It was fun to hear about all the craziness a big event like Stampede brings out in people. We were both pretty tired so it was a quick conversation. Then I had a really good night's rest. So glad it's the weekend.

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Good Day

Today was a GOOD DAY. Not to be unappreciative, but It's about darn time.

First, we tracked down a major problem a customer was having. This is HUGE. I'm soooo relieved. I can actually relax this weekend.
Second, I got a call from a director in the company who just called to tell me that I was doing a good job. Wow. That made me feel really good. He didn't know it, but I really needed to hear that. Life has a way of having perfect timing.

Tonight I've got class and then I think I'm going to grab a movie. Tomorrow is working on the house and maybe going out in the evening with a girlfriend. Sunday is definitely homework day. Kristen is gone for the weekend so it'll be quiet around the house.

Ryan 19

Foreword: In 2004, I kept these posts on a separate blog. I wanted a place to write about my true feelings about Ryan that no one else would read. In 2007, I revisited these posts. and decided to add them to the archives. It's part of my past that is worth remembering especially the honesty with which I wrote these posts.

Kevin has been writing me a lot of email lately. Well, since he called a couple weeks ago. He's not angry at me anymore and wants to be friends. It seems like a good idea, but it doesn't really seem possible. I think he'll still want to get back together at some point. It actually scares me to think about it. I don't know if it's because I miss him and I'm afraid I'll want to get back together. Or because it's just easier to cut these things off. You know, I still have a lot of feelings for him. I definitely don't want to know about some woman he's dating. (Which according to one of his emails, apparently exists.)

There are some things I miss about my relationship with Kevin. The lack of urgency and desperation I felt with him. It was easy to be apart. I didn't feel like I wanted to be with him all the time. Unfortunately, I want to be with Ryan all the time. I feel anxious. I want things to progress faster with Ryan, but I know that's bad. You can't rush these things. Besides, what's the rush? It's just going to end at some point, why rush to get there? I miss sex with Kevin. We had been together so long I was really, really comfortable. He always made me come. Yet, I was never 100% comfortable with it somehow. Like I didn't love him enough to be that intimate with him. I felt guilty that I didn't open up and share more of myself during sex. I simply didn't want to. With Ryan that hasn't been an issue, because sex was quite physical. It wasn't such an emotional expression as it was with Kevin. I miss getting wrapped up in Kevin's projects. He always had something interesting going on or an idea for the next big thing. cDc just had a big press release and text files published- it make me wish I could share the excitement with him. Yet, the excitement wore off a long time ago...I was frustrated that Kevin would do these things yet they weren't taking him anywhere.

I miss him, but I don't. It's just my curse. I want what I can't have. Then when I get it, I don't want it anymore. I get rid of it then I regret getting rid of it. I'm fucked.

It occurred to me today that I might be a little over the top about Ryan. I'm totally in infatuation mode. I want to be with him all the time. I want to stare at his pictures. I fantasize about living in the same city (and even go as far as fantasizing about living with him). I think about all the wonderful, perfect things about him. Yet, I'm smart enough to pull back and realize this is all silliness. If I were with Ryan all the time, we'd get sick of each other. Yes, he's hot, but that's because I don't know anything bad about him yet. He's really not perfect...no one is. Etc. So I'll continue to feel stupid for feeling this way, but I'll probably just continue letting myself enjoy it. Crazy how that works.

I'm thinking about Summer a lot. I still can't believe she and Greg are having that severe of problems that she'd want a separation. It just goes to show that marriage sucks. I don't know how people get through it. It's definitely something people should wait to do. Summer and Greg met when she was 19. Holy fuck that's young. It would be comparable to me marrying Brian. That would have been a huge disaster. Hopefully Summer will work it out. And hopefully I'll wait a billion years to get married. Too bad, deep down I really want to marry Ryan right now. It's silly, I don't exactly think marrying someone who was already married is that good of an idea. Plus he's Canadian, which complicates things. I'm strangely attracted to the fact that he wants more children. I've never really wanted to be a mom before, but now I think about it sometimes.

While I was visiting Ryan, he said some funny things. Like, "I like dating smart girls." The way he said it was like he was surprised. Yeah, I'm smart. Yeah, it's a good thing. I can't imagine that Ryan would ever want to be with someone who didn't match him intellectually. Yet, from that comment, I got the distinct feeling that Christa wasn't very smart. Ryan has also said that he really enjoys our conversations. Kinda a no-brainer. But the way he said it was like he was surprised. Maybe he and Christa didn't have good conversations. It seems like Ryan didn't really date too much before Christa. I mean, I think he had girlfriends, but I don't know how serious they were. He gave me the impression that in college, he was kinda like me - just having fun. Then Christa got pregnant and suddenly they were serious. Maybe they were serious before and he just hasn't talked about it. I wonder if they were a good match or not. I wonder about their divorce. I can imagine Ryan being really cold and distant, driving her away. Maybe she just had enough and figured if she was going to be alone, it was better to just do it alone. The most depressing thing I can think of is sharing a bed with someone who ignores/is rejecting you. That's a major reason not to get married. I know how it feels - Mark did it to me once. I left him after that.

Talked to Ryan about feeling really weird that I told him I actually think about moving to Calgary. He was really, really cool about it and told me not to worry. He said that it doesn't freak him out. It doesn't make him want to run away. He said he thinks about it a lot too. I felt a billion times better after he said that.

I shouldn't write like this before I call Ryan, because it makes me annoyed at myself. I'm annoyed that I'm in a relationship instead of just being alone. I'm annoyed that I feel these things instead of being totally emotionally independent like I want to be. I just can't seem to chill out and enjoy myself. Why can't I accept that I want a man in my life? Probably because it means changing and I don't want to change for someone else. Maybe it would be easier if it were a man in Dallas. I should try to meet one here...or at least be more open to the idea. In my romantic mind, I'd like to think that there's something special about Ryan and that we're meant to be together. But I would also like to believe that there are men in Dallas that I would enjoy being with just as much as I enjoy Ryan. Surely. This city is full of millions of people, odds are in my favor. Oh well, I just haven't had the right opportunity to meet the right man in Dallas. So I'll just go back to enjoying my Canadian.

Geilenkirchen, Germany

This is more for my good than yours. I finally figured out where in Germany Karen and Jason are.

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Ryan 18

Foreword: In 2004, I kept these posts on a separate blog. I wanted a place to write about my true feelings about Ryan that no one else would read. In 2007, I revisited these posts. and decided to add them to the archives. It's part of my past that is worth remembering especially the honesty with which I wrote these posts.

Ryan and I had a great talk last night. I was feeling exceptionally lonely and frustrated about life. He took it all in stride, listened to me, and was encouraging despite the fact he wasn't feeling very well. What a phenomenal man. He must like me an awful lot to put up with me like that.

We talked a lot about what I should do in the future. I'm feeling extremely burned out by work and want to quit. I want to go to school full time in the fall so I can finish in December. It will also allow me more time to find my next job. (I so want to get out of support.) I have the money to do it, but I worry about what my parents say. They think it's stupid to give up a perfectly good job just because I don't feel like doing it anymore. And they tell me not to rush through school because there's no reason to rush. They're probably right, but I'm feeling like taking a risk right now. I feel like indulging myself for once. I feel like it's time for a change. Ryan was very encouraging since in the past he quit work to go back to school full time. I'm thinking about it though I don't know if I have the guts to do it.

I talked to Summer for the first time in awhile. She and Greg are having problems. She's unhappy. She even said the word, "separation." I was in shock. Of all my married friends, I didn't think their marriage would end. They were together for so long before they got married. They lived together for years. They planned. They considered. They love each other. Right? It seems that Summer feels that Greg is emotionally abusive and she wants it to stop. She wants to take care of herself, which means if he won't go to counseling, they're going to separate. Unbelievable to me.

Knowing Summer is actually considering separation/divorce reinforces that marriage is a crazy thing and I don't want it in my life. It's hard and people struggle together. But knowing that you could give your whole self to another person only to get dissed by them a couple years later is too much. I can't do it. I won't do it. I'd rather flit from relationship to relationship (probably long distance) giving a little but never giving up everything. If you never give up everything you can't lose everything. We come into this world alone and we leave the world alone. We're foolish to think we really can share a huge chunk of our lives together. Marriage is a stupid invention by humans to overcome our lonliness. It's stupid because it doesn't work! It only enhances loneliness because it tricks us into thinking we're not alone. We are ALWAYS alone. The first step to happiness is accepting it.

Well, besides feeling totally horrible about marriage. I'm feeling totally wonderful about Ryan. He's absolutely perfect. Or at least right now he is. I recognize that there hasn't been enough time for me to know the bad stuff. Which is good...I'm living in bliss.

Sunday night I was at a 4th of July party and felt like calling him so I did. Ryan knew I was at the party so he was surprised to hear from me. He was excited to talk to me. Wow, that's totally awesome. He didn't expect a call; just happy that he got one.

He wrote email telling me that he likes it when I say sweet stuff to him - that I like him and I think he's hot and that kind of thing. He said that he is working on telling me those things more often. I think it's sweet that he realizes that I like hearing it too. That he actually wants to change for me. He is open to admit that he doesn't share enough of he feelings with people (he said he doesn't even tell his family that he loves them - only Hunter), but that he wants to try with me. That's pretty awesome.

I feel like I made a little bit of a mistake last night by telling Ryan that my gut desire is to move to Calgary. I think I scared him a little bit. But he admits to thinking about me moving as well. It's not like I'm really going to do it. I don't have any reason to move to Calgary. Just because I'm crazy about some guy doesn't mean I should change my life. There are more guys.

Ooo, there I go again being jaded. Oh well, I'm feeling particularly jaded after hearing about what Summer is going through. It's so unfortunate, but maybe it's some heartache I can save myself from.

Resumes

I've been looking through resumes all day long. I find this work somewhat monotonous yet somewhat exciting at the same time. I like seeing what people have done and what they feel like is important. It also helps me better tune my resume.

So in the attitude of sharing, here are some things you consider when writing your resume:
- You don't need to put "HOUSE WIFE" on your resume. If I'm curious why there's a 10 year break in your work history, I'll ask.
- If you worked for a company called "Hackers," make that abundantly clear.
- Your cover letter should state your qualifications for the position. You don't need a lot of syrupy language. (The shorter the letter the better - I'm looking at hundreds of resumes and unless your reasons stick out, I'm not reading the whole thing.)
- Get a professional email address and make sure your Outlook settings look professional. Receiving email from "Big Brad" doesn't make me want to call you.

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They're in Germany

Karen, Jason, and Sophie arrived in Germany safely !

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Tarot Reading

Last night at Tina's 4th of July party, Sparkler read my cards. I've never had anyone read tarot cards for me before, but it sounded like fun. We started by me thinking of a question I wanted answered. Then I picked the cards; Sparkler laid them out and read them.

Turns out I didn't get a specific answer, which is actually good. I wouldn't have believed it if I had a clear cut answer. Since there wasn't one, it made me think more. Basically, the cards were about me finding balance in life. There were issues of money and emotion. My core card was temperance so I need to find balance. My conflict card was lack of emotion or emotional contentment/fulfillment. In the past there were issues of immaturity about money. There is also a sign of on-going coflict - that the issue keeps reocurring. I perceive myself as powerful and in control. The resolution card was a star - it means I get to make the decision for my life and I will be at peace with what happens (probably because I get to make the decision).

Makes sense to me.

Karen & Jason Leave for Germany

Karen and Jason are on a plane to Germany right now. All of their personal belongings are in shipping containers en route to Germany. They'll be spending the next three years in Germany. I've known this is coming for awhile, but it's so hard to believe. Today is their 3 month anniversary.

Kristen and I got to spend last night with Karen, Jason, and Jason's parents, who were in town to send them off. After a fun dinner at Olive Garden, we just hung out talking. Jason was thoughtful and let the three sisters get some alone time. It was fabulous - I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. It's really hard knowing Karen will be so far away for so long. We already miss not having her and Sophie around LucciHouse and it's only been three months! Guess I'll just have to plan a trip to Germany sometime soon.

When Karen and Jason arrive in Germany, they'll have a couple weeks to find a place to live and start getting settled before Jason goes back to work. I can only imagine the anticipation they must be feeling right now! I know everything is going to work out great and they'll find a perfect place. I can't wait to hear from them.

*Update - Karen and Jason (and Sophie) are stuck in Atlanta for the night due to a faulty "hydrolic pump thingamajig." Maybe they'll be off to Germany tomorrow.

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Calgary Pictures

Pictures from my trip to Calgary are up.

Ryan 17

Foreword: In 2004, I kept these posts on a separate blog. I wanted a place to write about my true feelings about Ryan that no one else would read. In 2007, I revisited these posts. and decided to add them to the archives. It's part of my past that is worth remembering especially the honesty with which I wrote these posts.

Went to see Ryan last weekend. Haven't really had time to write since I've gotten back. Busy distracting myself with other stuff. The trip was good, yet it's leaving me wondering. I had a great time with Ryan. But there's a part of me that wonders where this is going and if I'm going to care about him in another two months. Or two years. What if I suddenly turn off my feelings for Ryan like I did with Kevin? What if this is my disease? I guess there's not much for me to do if that's the case. Only time will tell.

The trip to Calgary was really fun. I wrote an overview of the trip on ericalucci.com for the whole world to see. It was Ryan's introduction. Lots of people have commented and I can imagine that lots of others are keeping their comments to themselves. I worry about Kevin reading it and what he thinks. But I don't suppose that's really for me to worry about anymore. It's just hard to let go.

Things that impressed me about Ryan:
He really, really has his life together. He lives in a beautiful home (which is actually quite large for one and a half). He's clean...VERY clean for a guy. He treats Hunter wonderfully (though he might joke a bit much for my taste). He cooks. He does dishes. He makes decisions. He can plan an evening out. He appreciates fine restaurants. He orders for me when I ask him to and is comfortable doing so. He doesn't mumble (Ok, that was a specific comparison to Kevin). He's an adult and doesn't need a mother (another comparison). He lets me have my way, but still seems in control.

I really like that Ryan is so confident and in control. He's the type of man I can be myself with yet also laid back with. I don't feel like I have to tell him how to do something. I trust his judgment. I trust him. I don't mind letting him be in control. Wow, that's pretty different for me.

Physically there is still a lot of attraction between Ryan and myself. The first couple nights, the making out was incredible. I think he was slightly frustrated that I didn't reach orgasm while he was touching me, but then he relaxed about it. Orgasm is just one of those things that's going to happen if it's meant to happen. Can't really force it. Besides, we hardly know each other's bodies yet. And I need to build up a little more trust with him before I'm really comfortable. So I wasn't going to have sex with him because I was worried it would remind me too much of Kevin and make me break down crying. In addition, it weirded me out that Ryan hasn't been with any other woman since Christa, his ex-wife. I didn't really want to be the first to have sex with him. And part of me thought that if we had sex right away, there wouldn't be anything to keep bringing him back and I didn't want him to just get tired of me and give up. Yet, I still gave in and had sex with him. The first round was really weird. Ryan apparently started feeling weird about it and wasn't particularly hard. Then we talked some more about it and when he realized I was ok, he calmed down. The second time we had sex, it was really, really fun. Just the way it should be! In a way, I'm glad we had sex because now it's not an issue. No big deal, really. Just something physical that we share.

Ryan made an interesting comment in one of our conversations. He said he thought relationships were two equal parts - one is getting along with the other person (basically being able to live with them) and the other is sex. Wow, I totally don't agree. To me, there's so much more to getting along with someone and sex is such a minimal part. But then I have to remember he's a guy and sex is different for guys. I think it says something about his marriage. Maybe they really didn't find a lot of interest in each other, but the sex was good and they could stand each other. I don't really know, just speculating.

Ryan also said, "I really like smart girls!" The implication was that he hadn't really ever dated smart women and that he liked that I was smart. He's told me in the past that he really enjoys our conversations. I'm flattered to think he enjoys that part of me, but at the same time flabbergasted that it's a big deal to him. I mean, I would never even consider dating someone I didn't enjoy talking to. Conversation, specifically intellectual conversation, is such a huge part of a relationship to me.

So I guess he and I have had different experiences with relationships. I suppose he's still figuring it out. I hope he doesn't figure out that he wants to be with a bunch of other women now that he's not married. (Or legally separated as he clearly defined for me during the trip.) I worry about that a little bit.

I met Ryan's dad briefly on Monday. Richard was in Calgary for work and stopped by. I believe he stopped by mostly to meet me. We chatted a bit, but I felt like we really didn't have much time to get to talk. The good part is I was very comfortable with him and he reminds me a lot of my dad. The next day he wrote Ryan an email about me which Ryan forwarded to me. It's so flattering. He wrote, "I very much enjoyed spending a few minutes last night to meet Erica. She seems like a very delightful person. As I told mother she's seems very mature, not centered on herself but concerned for others, and also very open to talk too. I can see why you would like her and find her a person you would like to get to know more. My first impression is a 2 thumbs up." Wow, two thumbs up! It's wonderful. I kinda wonder how much I'm being compared to Christa.

One of the really good conversations Ryan and I had was about the distance and our lives. We agreed that we both have really set lives. We have good jobs and homes and routines that neither of us want to give up for anyone else. But we would like to merge those together a little bit. The fantasy right now is for me to live in Calgary and create a life of my own then just spend time with Ryan a few days a week. Basically doing what we do now but just in the same city. That's a lovely fantasy and is certainly extremely appealing but I don't know how it would work out. If I move to Calgary, I have to start over. There would definitely be a time where I'm really, really unhappy and lonely. I'd probably lean on Ryan during those times and that's not really what either of us want in a relationship right now. So, we'll enjoy the fantasy while we can and do nothing about it in the future.

I think we both enjoyed the visit, especially the last night where we stayed at home and cooked dinner together. )Well, Ryan cooked and I was moral support.) Yet at the same time, I think we were both ready to get back into our own lives and schedules. It wasn't until I was home for a full 24 hours that I started to miss him. Just a slight twinge in my stomach and I thought it would be nice if we could have dinner together. I told him that in an email and he wrote the sweetest thing back, "Funny about missing me. I was thinking it was good to be back to the regular schedule. Then I started to look at your pictures and thought it might be nice to have you around just a little more than hardly ever. Maybe "once in a while" would be great, or even "occasionally."
Should I go so far as to say "regularly?"

Drinking with Ryan is a ton of fun. We talk a ton and laugh and have a good time. Apparently Christa didn't drink so Ryan's quite enamored with having me as a drinking partner. I'd have to agree that it sure does add a lovely dynamic that Kevin and I could never have. The afternoon we sat on the porch in Banff drinking beer was something that only could have happened that way. We both opened up and had an incredible conversation about so many things. It's moments like those that I really get to know Ryan...he tends to open up more when he's drinking. Which is not to say he's not open the rest of the time, just not quite as much.

There's no talk yet about another visit. I'm desperately trying to play it cool and let him bring it up. I figure I already did my trip. When he's ready emotionally and financially to make the trip to Texas, he'll let me know. It will be exciting for my family to meet him. I think they're going to like him. Time will tell.

Earlier tonight I was feeling frustrated. I want to fantasize about moving closer to Ryan, but it's so hard to imagine. He's Canadian for goodness sake and he lives in Canada! It's not like just picking up and moving to NYC. It's like moving to a whole other country that I'm not a citizen of. Craziness. Plus he has a son and an ex-wife who really isn't an ex-wife yet. When I'm feeling smart, I think I should cut myself loose. Surely I'll find a nice guy in Dallas and stay here for the rest of my life. But then a big part of me wants to take the time to know Ryan more. He's a pretty incredible guy so far...and I want to see what his faults actually are and if I can live with them. I want to see if we could be compatible. Right now he seems pretty darn ideal and he likes me a lot too. Can't give that up quickly just because of some silly logistics.

Enon Hall

Wow, I just spent two hours straight reading www.enonhall.com. What a fabulous story of a family and a really old house.

Thanks to Patina for the link.

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