Month of June, 2004

Found List

I moved offices within the office and have finally gotten everything unpacked. It took me a long time to upack, because customers don't care if I'm packed or unpacked. They simply want resolution to their problems.

Anyhow, as I was going through my stuff, I've found a lot of interesting things. It's amazing what you can compile in three years of employment. The most puzzling thing I found was a fairly recent list. I'm a big list maker, so I've actually found dozens of old lists. But this list must have been written in the past 3 to 4 months yet it doesn't make any sense to me. It's unlike me not to remember something I've written down. So here's what the list said:

kick
big wheel
twins
bike
kristen baby
three little

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Ryan

Ryan and I met at my work conference in Vegas about two months ago. We were introduced the second night when I was out socializing with coworkers and customers. My first impression of Ryan was he was very attractive. My second impression was he was very loud. Yet somehow by the end of the night, we found ourselves sharing a late night snack and really got to know each other. Ryan sparked my interest in Vegas, but it wasn't until we finished our first phone conversation (which ended up being three hours long) that I realized what a neat person he is. It took me another three weeks of constant late night phone calls and tons of email to decide that I wanted Ryan in my life despite the distance. Ryan lives in Calgary, Alberta, Canada.

I spent the last four days with Ryan in Calgary, and am so glad I went. We had a fabulous time together and I got to see a lot of neat things. Ryan was an excellent host – all the way to cooking meals and refusing to let me even do the dishes. We took lots of pictures, which I’ll get up at some point (soon).

Here’s a quick rundown of the weekend’s events:

• Thursday – Arrived around 9:45 p.m. Ryan and Hunter, Ryan’s 4 year old son, met me just outside customs. Hunter brought me flowers. The smile on Ryan’s face made all the nervousness disappear. By the time we got to Ryan’s house, it was still light outside, which was a surprise. This time of year in Calgary, it stays light until almost 11 p.m., but I hear the winters are quite the opposite.
• Friday – Slept in (what’s the point of vacation unless you sleep late?). Woke up to Hunter and Ryan whispering in the bathroom. Hunter was being very conscientious about not waking me up. He’s such a sweetheart! When I finally did get up, Ryan cooked us blueberry pancakes for breakfast! Yum. Then Ryan, Hunter, and I spent the day at the Calgary Zoo. The weather was absolutely beautiful and we all had a great time. Took a nap Friday afternoon and Hunter left for his mom’s house. (Hunter spends a week at a time with each parent and the switch occurs Friday nights.) So, Friday night Ryan and I had dinner at the neighborhood pub. I drank Canadian beer for the first time and began to understand Ryan’s liking for rye and diet.
• Saturday – We spent most of the morning lounging around and enjoying my vacation. Ryan cooked another fabulous breakfast – eggs, bacon, toast and hash browns. We first took a nice walk in Nose Hill Park, which over looks the city. It was an incredible view, and I got a good feel for the layout of the city. Calgary is bigger than I realized and I quite enjoyed learning so much about the city from Ryan. Then we did a little shopping, so I could take advantage of the exchange rate. In late afternoon, we laid in the backyard soaking up the sun and enjoying the weather. Saturday night, Ryan took me out for a fabulous dinner at Escoba in downtown. The food was excellent but the best part was dessert – truffles and port. After dinner we joined a birthday celebration for one of Ryan’s coworkers, where much rye and diet was consumed.
• Sunday – We woke up early and drove into the mountains, which are about an hour and a half drive from Calgary. We first went to Lake Louise where we took a lovely hike around the lake. The pictures simply don’t do it justice. Beautiful. After lunch, we drove to Banff. Enjoyed walking around doing a little shopping, but the best part was just sitting on a rooftop porch drinking beer, enjoying the spectacular view, beautiful weather, and great conversation. We had a light dinner at a great little Asian place then drove back to Calgary.
• Monday – My last day in Calgary was very relaxed. Had lunch on an outdoor patio and walked around 17th Avenue, a trendy part of the city. Went to Bowness Park where we dipped our feet into the icy cold Bow River, which runs throughout Calgary. (And feels like the water just came from a glacier.) Ryan’s father, Richard, stopped by later in the evening for a short visit. Ryan’s parents live two hours outside of Calgary, but Richard was in town for work. It was extremely nice to meet him and chat for a bit. I find it really cool to see what a person’s parents are like – it says a bit about the person. After Richard left, Ryan cooked me a wonderful meal, which we ate on the porch at the new picnic table. Time totally slipped away from us and the next thing we knew, it was 10 p.m. (That whole not getting dark thing sure makes the evening weird.) Since my plane was so early on Tuesday morning, we called it a night early…before the sun had even fully set.

All in all, it was a fabulous trip. Having a few more days in Calgary would be fine with me. Alas, real life calls.

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Girls ARE Pretty

Why isn't my life ever this interesting? Another fabulous post from Girls Are Pretty.

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Clean Teeth

I got my teeth cleaned this morning. I think having the crap scraped off your teeth is probably the most decadent thing one can do. It's pretty cool that it's a benefit of my job. The coolest part about the visit was the digital x-rays. I got to see my own teeth on a TV screen only seconds after the hygienist took the x-ray. Technology is amazing. Oh, and no cavities!

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I Kissed Justin

Leia bought me an awesome shirt!

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LucciHouse Bathroom Remodeling

Great news! LucciHouse is getting a bathroom makeover! Believe it or not, two of the three bathrooms in LucciHouse are going to be remodeled! I'm extactic. I've only been waiting for my bathroom to be redone for the past 3 years. It's so exciting that it's finally happening. Once it's done, I may never move out!

Pictures of the sad state my bathroom is currently in are coming soon.

Ryan 16

Foreword: In 2004, I kept these posts on a separate blog. I wanted a place to write about my true feelings about Ryan that no one else would read. In 2007, I revisited these posts. and decided to add them to the archives. It's part of my past that is worth remembering especially the honesty with which I wrote these posts.

Could the timing get any crazier? About an hour after I wrote the last post, I got a call from Kevin. I chose not to answer the phone. He left a very nice, friendly message saying he just wanted to chat. I don't know if I want to call him back. It's hard.

Ryan 15

Foreword: In 2004, I kept these posts on a separate blog. I wanted a place to write about my true feelings about Ryan that no one else would read. In 2007, I revisited these posts. and decided to add them to the archives. It's part of my past that is worth remembering especially the honesty with which I wrote these posts.

Life sure has a way of throwing curve balls sometimes, doesn't it? Last night Jeff stayed the night. So Jeff and I have had some attraction for awhile (like 3 years), but it hasn't ever quite worked out. Mostly because when we first got involved, I had just started dating Kevin. Not long after, I decided to commit to Kevin and that shifted Jeff and I into friends. Now that I'm no longer with Kevin, Jeff and I have shifted back into "more than friends" mode. Last weekend when I was visiting Jeff in Austin (for SummerBash3), there was a little kissing but that's all. At the time, I was feeling so much attraction to Ryan that I really didn't want to be with anyone else.

Then this weekend, Jeff came up for Leia's birthday party and for Father's Day. I offered my house as a place to stay, but Jeff usually stays with his mom. Surprisingly his step-sister came into town with her kids and Jeff needed a place to stay. So after going to the birthday party, Jeff followed me home. We got in bed and I fully intended to go right to sleep. It was late and I just wasn't feeling like messing around. Then Jeff kissed me goodnight. It was so sweet and so without expectation. It was like he was telling me that he was completely ok with us going to sleep right away.

After getting a kiss like that, I suddenly wanted him. So I initiated more kissing. Suddenly, I'm totally covered in goose bumps and I never want to stop. It was perfect - the speed, the tenderness, the rhythm. Wow. So we ended up kissing and playing for a few hours. It got as far as oral sex, which was very enjoyable for both of us, and I stopped. The thought of intercourse with anyone other than Kevin right now is really tough. I explained it to Jeff and he was very cool and understanding. But, wow, I've been thinking about it all day. It was so good.

The timing of this event is really interesting. I'm going to Calgary in 4 days to see Ryan. Yet, I'm now thinking about how I want to be with Jeff more often. I don't know. Jeff is wonderful and we have a great friendship, but I don't have the giddy in-love feelings like I do for Ryan. I'm thinking a lot about not getting in a committed relationship right now. So maybe I can be involved with more than one man. There's certainly nothing wrong with it. I just have to figure out who wants to know what. I know that Jeff knows about Ryan, but Ryan has no idea that I'm involved with Jeff (or anyone else for that matter). I don't want to bring up the topic in the event that someone is going to push me to make a decision. Right now I want everyone!

That's not entirely true. There is differing levels of want. Jeff is a 30 year old bartender. I don't want him in a long-term way. Ryan, while he satisfies the job requirement, lives in Canada. Then there's Christian who wrote me a couple days ago to say that he hopes we can see each other despite being involved with other people. I suppose life is just trying to tell me not to settle down right now. So I won't.

New Pictures Up

Pictures from Memorial Day weekend in Galveston.

Pictures from SummerBash3 in Austin.

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Leia's Birthday Party

Last night went to the Elbow Room for Leia's birthday. There must have been 30 people who showed up - she's a popular woman! We sat on the porch and enjoyed a beautiful night. Conversations were awesome. I realize how lucky I am to have so many amazing people in my life. The photo is Jeff, Leia, and I at the end of the night.

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Ryan 14

Foreword: In 2004, I kept these posts on a separate blog. I wanted a place to write about my true feelings about Ryan that no one else would read. In 2007, I revisited these posts. and decided to add them to the archives. It's part of my past that is worth remembering especially the honesty with which I wrote these posts.

I'm feeling like I'm getting smothered by men now that I'm single again. That sounds weird and I kinda feel weird saying it. Shouldn't I be pleased I'm getting so much attention from men? But I'm not...I really just want one. The one that's really, really far away. What's wrong with me?

Last night I had drinks with C. Now that we're not working together, we're able to have a more truthful interaction. Last night he ended up telling me that he likes me. (Something I've suspected a few times before.) He said he thinks we'd make an incredible couple - we're both attractive, ambitious, and educated. He joked that I would be a good governor's wife and since he wants to be governor it was obvious what he was saying. It all caught me off guard. Of course it was flattering and sweet and I wonder what it would be like with C, but I'm also weirded out. I don't have that deep, deep desire to be with C.

I do have the deep desire to be with Ryan. Shoot, I think about moving closer to him all the time. It's totally silly that I feel this way and I think about these things, because I barely know him! We met not even two months ago. We spent two evenings together along with a bunch of other people. Since then, we've been spending hours on the phone - most of which is just silly flirting and teasing. I really have no idea what he's like day to day. Next weekend I'll get to see some of that, but it won't really be real. We'll both be on our best behavior to impress each other. It would take at least a year of dating long distance before I could really get a feel for who he is. I don't know if I want to invest that time.

Wow, I'm being cynical. Jaded. Whatever you want to call it. Typical Erica trying to ruin it before its time. Why can't I just sit back and enjoy?

Wednesday night I went out for drinks with the bloggers and Micah was there. I think he was flirting with me. I'm pretty sure he was. I don't particularly like Micah, though I can't put my finger on why. I'm definitely not attracted to him. So the fact that he's flirting with me just annoys the crap out of me. For example, he emailed today to see if I'm going to Leia's birthday party tonight. I am going, of course, but why couldn't he just show up and see. He's got to be totally obvious about wanting me to be there. Bleh. I want to be in a relationship again just so I can use it to fend off these men. I don't like all the attention.

But I do want the attention from Ryan. Who at this moment is having a birthday party for Hunter who turned 4 this year. All of Ryan's ex-in-laws are there and so is Christa, his ex-wife. Well, technically his wife. Ugg, that makes me so angry when I think about it. I'm really not ok with the fact he didn't tell me the divorce wasn't final. You know what? I'm never going to move or get serious until he gets that taken care of. I know he doesn't want to spend the money to get it finalized, which I can understand, but I'm also not going to be the girl waiting for some guy to finalize his relationship so he can make me an honest woman.

In all truth, I don't think I'm going to have sex with Ryan until he gets the divorce taken care of. That will take a ton of self-control on my part, but it's how I feel. Besides, it's going to be really good for me to wait. See if I really want to have sex after I get to know him better. Make sure that sex has the same meaning to both of us. (Because the first time I had sex with Kevin, it was all about the hook-up for me. But for him, it was all about liking me a lot and showing it. I didn't realize it was so different until a few months later and I realized I shouldn't have gotten sexually involved.) Making us wait will be a good way to know if this is long term, like I hope it is, or not.

Awesome Shirt

Ryan sent this shirt. Quite possibly the coolest gift I've gotten in awhile.

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Ryan 13

Foreword: In 2004, I kept these posts on a separate blog. I wanted a place to write about my true feelings about Ryan that no one else would read. In 2007, I revisited these posts. and decided to add them to the archives. It's part of my past that is worth remembering especially the honesty with which I wrote these posts.

Stayed up too late talking with Ryan last night. I'm tired today. One of the neat things he said last night was that some people go into marriage thinking that everything is going to be different after they get married. They need to realize that it's going to be exactly the same after the vows as it was before. Nothing changes. Nothing magically gets better. No one is suddenly perfect.

I thought it was a really wise comment.

DFW Blogs

DFWBlogs just added their 500th blog to the list. I decided to celebrate by going to the happy hour last night. Though, it wasn't really happy hour by the time I arrived, since I had to go to class first. All the same, it was great to see a bunch of the bloggers. These are my people. Love them.

Caught up with a bunch of people and heard about their lives. (Congratulations, Alex, on the new job!) I really miss the days when I socialized every day of the week. So it was a ton of fun to get out on a Wednesday night. I felt very hip for once.

Due to Micah, conversation had an interesting turn near the end of the night. Micah shared an experience he had recently dating someone he met online. The conversation including, Leia, Connie, and Alex quickly grew into a discussion of dating. It all came down to this for me, though I'm not sure if I ever really said it - if you like someone enough to date them, you should like them enough to discuss things that matter to you. For example, there was discussion about who pays for dinner. In this day and age, it's not at all unreasonable to go dutch (or so we agreed last night), but there are still many women who don't think dutch is acceptable. When who pays becomes an issue, you really should discuss it with your date. If you don't know them well enough to discuss, should you really be dating? (But that really brings up a whole new discussion which revolves around how do you get to know someone new?) I'm not much for blind dating, which might be why I like long distance relationships so much - because of the distance, we're forced into talking about things, because all we have is conversation. I could go on and on, but I have to go to work. It was a fun conversation and I totally think someone should have a slumber party so we can stay up all night talking about dating and relationships.

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To The 5 Boroughs

After six years, the Beastie Boys have finally released another album. Wow, it's hard to believe six years goes so quickly. I can remember how awesome it was when Hello Nasty came out. I was in college. I'm looking forward to this album just as much. Amazon sent it to me yesterday. Now I just have to wait for the USPS to do their job. Patience.

Fun article if you like NYC facts (which I do) - A Beastie Boys Lyrical Guide To The 5 Boroughs And Beyond.

*Update - the CD arrived on 6-16. Thanks, Amazon, for getting it here so fast!
*Update 2 - the first time listening the CD the whole way through, I didn't really like it. But on the second and third listen, I found that I really, really liked it. Their lyrics are the most amazing.

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Ryan 12

Foreword: In 2004, I kept these posts on a separate blog. I wanted a place to write about my true feelings about Ryan that no one else would read. In 2007, I revisited these posts. and decided to add them to the archives. It's part of my past that is worth remembering especially the honesty with which I wrote these posts.

Ryan and I had a great conversation last night. First we IMed for awhile. There was much teasing but we hit a serious point as well. I'm not sure how it came up, but he knows how jaded I am about relationships (especially long distance ones). He's so positive and just wants it to be fun. I think he's a good influence on me that way. Ryan isn't worrying about where this is going or what it all means. It helps me to try to be the same way. Especially because if I'm honest with myself, I really, really like Ryan. He's a lot of fun and yet he's quite perceptive about me and my feelings as well. Ryan is a lot more mature than a lot of men I've dated. I suppose being married does that to you.

I like that Ryan wants me to be comfortable with him and emotionally open. He doesn't want me to be jaded. He jokes that he's trying to "fix" me so I won't be so jaded. He's teasing, but he's not. And, honestly, I'm far less jaded with Ryan than I've been in the past. Because you never know what might happen. Besides, sometimes it's ok for me to admit that I actually like someone. Even if it means it makes me vulnerable.

XM Radio

After our road trip to Galveston for Memorial Day, Kristen and I decided to invest in satellite radio. We were in the car for too many hours listening to bad radio with far too many commercials. Now I've had XM Radio for a couple weeks and I'm totally addicted. Wow, it's so good. With 60+ music stations to listen to, there is always something on the radio. No commercials. And I 'm hearing songs I haven't heard in years! (The 90's station is one of my favorites...it's like I'm in high school again.) The only thing I have to be careful of is to not pay more attention to the display than I'm paying to the road. This weekend Leia played DJ the whole way back from Austin. It was awesome.

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Flattery Through SQL

Select * from crazy_girl;
where girl = "hot";
order by sexy

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Denver

Worked in Denver today. Man, the weather here was gorgeous. Too bad I have to go home tomorrow morning. At least I have SummerBash in Austin to look forward to tomorrow night. Meeting went really, really well. Got to spend a lot of time with my boss which was really good. It's been a positive day.

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35 Years

Today is my father's 35th anniversary with IBM.
Congrats, Dad!

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Gmail

Oooooo, I got a gmail account! (Thanks, Leia!) Send me email.

ericalucci AT gmail (.) com

Ryan 11

Foreword: In 2004, I kept these posts on a separate blog. I wanted a place to write about my true feelings about Ryan that no one else would read. In 2007, I revisited these posts. and decided to add them to the archives. It's part of my past that is worth remembering especially the honesty with which I wrote these posts.

Kristen accidentally told Mom and Dad last night that I'm going to Calgary. I'm not the happiest that she let it slip when I specifically told her not to tell them, but oh well it's done. Apparently they didn't say anything negative about it, but I suppose that could have been because I wasn't there to hear their disapproval. Whatever the case, I'm going to have to bring it up with them. Shouldn't be a big deal. After all, it is my money and my life to do with how I choose. I happen to think I'm making a good decision, but only time will tell.

Rain

It's been raining all day today. I love waking up to the rain. I just hate having to get out of bed. But I managed to get up and into work. I've spent most of my day at my desk because I've had plenty to do. Now I have to go to class and when I get home from class I have to write a paper. (Because I'm a slacker and didn't do it over the weekend.) All I really want to do is sit by a window and watch the rain.

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Ryan 10

Foreword: In 2004, I kept these posts on a separate blog. I wanted a place to write about my true feelings about Ryan that no one else would read. In 2007, I revisited these posts. and decided to add them to the archives. It's part of my past that is worth remembering especially the honesty with which I wrote these posts.

Ryan is not divorced. Legally he's still married.

When he mentioned it, I was in complete shock. He said it so casually in the middle of a conversation. We were talking about dentists and he was saying that he still received benefits from Christa, his ex-wife, because legally they're still married. I couldn't believe that I heard him correctly. I asked him to repeat himself and he thought I was asking him to repeat something else. It was like he had no idea that I didn't know their divorce wasn't final.

I totally freaked out. Started crying right away, though I'm not sure if he knew. It took him only a few seconds to realize that I was upset and really uncomfortable. He sounded surprised that it would upset me. He insisted that he thought he had already told me. How could he not remember telling me something like that? He told me he was divorced. I assumed it was a done deal. Apparently not.

I explained to him that it really bothered me. I totally respect the institution of marriage and suddenly find out that I've kissed a married man. I never thought I would do that. I respect marriage too much. Knowing that he hadn't given me enough information to let me make my own choice about it, really made me angry. But would I really have walked away in Vegas if I had known the divorce wasn't final? All I know is that I started feeling really bad. Like I had done something wrong. Everything I've been raised to believe means that you don't mess around with married men - Ryan is still married.

All of these things and more were flying through my head. I was crying and Ryan got more and more concerned. He said he wasn't trying to hide anything from me. He said that in his mind he is completely divorced. Apparently he and Christa did all the messy, unpleasant parts already. Then they just had to wait a year before they could complete it. Ryan says its been over a year, but that he just doesn't feel like paying a lawyer more money to get it taken care of right now. He was very sweet and kind about it all, but he said he didn't really understand why it was a big deal to me. To him, it was just a legality.

I tried to explain that I really, really respect marriage and never want to be the one who makes someone cheat. Yet now I have. This is something I could never tell my parents about Ryan, because they would never think it's OK. I told him about a friend who was dating a woman whose divorce wasn't yet final and that I counseled him against it. I had no idea that it would happen to me only a few months later. I felt like I was doing something wrong.

Ryan explained and reasoned and apologized. It really bothered him that it bothered me. He said he was scared that this was going to come between us. He had good reason to be scared. I was thinking that we should quit talking and that I shouldn't go visit him and that if he ever got the divorce finalized, I would consider getting involved again. Yet, I never told him that. Instead I listened to him explain that to him the marriage was over a long time ago. They were not ever going to get back together. He said he files his taxes by himself. He said that he works with a lot of divorced people or people who are in the process and that it might have made him numb to my perspective. He said his brother, Jordan, started dating his current girlfriend while she was going through her divorce and his parents/family was OK with it. He said in the same way his parents are OK with us dating right now. He said really the only thing that it means for us is that we can't get married today if we wanted to.

I don't even remember all that was said between us, but the conversation lasted a long time. The more Ryan talked the more I understood that he didn't want this to get between us. It was obvious to me that he really cares about me and that made me feel a whole lot better about the situation. Eventually I told him what I was thinking. That I liked him a lot and wanted to keep being involved with him. I still wanted to visit him at the end of the month. I opened up to him that it was hard for me to tell him how I was really feeling. I told him that I'm looking for someone I can settle down with. That I'm tired of dating and that someday I want to be married. I want to have a partner. I've been so good at doing everything myself and being so damn independent. I'd like to try life with someone else next to me. I like Ryan a lot yet it's hard to know if I should stay with him or if I should keep waiting for Prince Charming. That I have fantasized about it a lot and this was never quite how I imagined it. I never imagined myself falling in love with a divorced man with a child.

I think some of what I said bothered Ryan. He said he was sorry that he wasn't Prince Charming. I felt so bad and explained that I didn't mean it like that. I don't really think Prince Charming exists. I think he knew what I meant. So all of that led the conversation into other things like Hunter. Ryan said that someday this divorce stuff will be over, but that he's always going to have Hunter. I have to be OK with Hunter otherwise it's not going to work between Ryan and I. Luckily, I already knew that and made my peace with it. Children are fabulous and having a child has made Ryan a really neat person. I even told Ryan how I found myself thinking that I wanted to have his kids when he was talking about siblings for Hunter. He teased that I just wanted to try practicing getting pregnant. I
explained that it was more about giving and being selfless than anything else. (Now I'm kinda feeling weird about telling him that. I'm so scared of telling someone how I really feel and what I really think for fear of rejection. Hopefully Ryan won't reject me.)

Eventually I calmed down about the divorce. All the talking helped a lot. It's comforting to know Ryan is someone who wants to talk through things. When I first got upset I did what I normally do and tried to move the conversation onto something else. He refused. He said he wanted to talk about it. Wow, I'm so lucky to be with a man like that.

Since we were talking about so many other things, I figured it would be a good time to tell Ryan that I have herpes. I was going to tell him at some point (definitely before getting intimate), but I hadn't really decided when. I decided that I should give him a reason to end our relationship since he had done the same earlier. It would be better to just get it all out on the table. So I explained. I didn't really give him a chance to say anything because I was afraid of what he was going to say. Yet, not all that afraid. Ryan doesn't seem to be the kind of guy who would get upset and yell or anything. He isn't. He was amazingly accepting. He simply said that he assumed there were ways to be safe and that we'd just have to be safe. It was a relief that it wasn't a deal breaker. I feel really good that I got it out in the open now rather than later. As much as I want to be intimate with Ryan, I want him to make a fully educated decision before having sex with me. Plus, I want to wait to see where this is going. I wouldn't mind waiting until I know if this is going to be the man I spend the rest of my life with. In the past I've been far too hasty with sex and this time I want to make sure it's right. I respect Ryan and his feelings. I know Ryan respects me too. That's beautiful.

I can't remember how it came up, but near the end of the night, Ryan mentioned my hard shell. He said that sometimes my hard shell comes off and he can see the beautiful little flower inside. He's taken to calling me little flower and now I understand why. The truly wonderful part is that there's something about Ryan that makes me want to lose the shell. He makes me want to be a better person.

So, yeah, last night was a big night. I stayed up until 2am (1am in Calgary), but it was worth it. I feel like I've started on a really great relationship with a really great man.

I Hate Telephones

Have I mentioned that I hate telephones? It is probably the most frustrating piece of technology that exists. Well, phones and fax machines. Hate them both. I was just told that I can't do something I need to do with our work phones and I'm pissed. Stupid phones and stupid phone lines.

It's not that I hate what phones do, because I love communication. I love being able to talk with people...especially people in far away locations. (Because as much as I like to write, writing letters would be a crappy way to communicate on a daily basis. I'm just not that patient.) Plus phones are very helpful at work and are the major compenent of my job. But what I hate about phones are their limitations. They simply can't do everything we want them to do! It frustrates me when I am limited by technology. It shouldn't happen. With technology, everything is possible!

(Right?)

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Ryan 9

Foreword: In 2004, I kept these posts on a separate blog. I wanted a place to write about my true feelings about Ryan that no one else would read. In 2007, I revisited these posts. and decided to add them to the archives. It's part of my past that is worth remembering especially the honesty with which I wrote these posts.

Last night Ryan said he was worried about my visit. He worried that he would get used to having me around. Totally sweet.

I can feel myself pulling back a bit. I'm analyzing every conversation we have. I should chill out and just enjoy the company. He's way cooler than all men I've interacted with lately.

Ryan 8

Foreword: In 2004, I kept these posts on a separate blog. I wanted a place to write about my true feelings about Ryan that no one else would read. In 2007, I revisited these posts. and decided to add them to the archives. It's part of my past that is worth remembering especially the honesty with which I wrote these posts.

I got a package in the mail yesterday from Ryan. I knew he was sending something from his vacation, but I didn't know what. Turns out he sent me a very, very cool t-shirt. It read, "I love Mormon Boys." Then Ryan modified it so it reads, "I love BAD Mormon Boys." I laughed out loud. It was perfect. I love Ryan's sense of humor. He also sent Jelly Bellys and a pin from the Jelly Belly factory. It was so sweet of him to think of me.

He also enclosed a letter in the package, because he said, "I know you like this letter stuff." The paragraph that I keep reading over and over again.

"Anyway 10 hours of car driving and 2 days of church history left me with some time to think. And of course I spent some of that time thinking of you. The rest I just didn't think. One of my invaluable skills. But thinking of you was a lot of fun. Certainly looking forward to your visit. Wishing I was vacationing with you instead. I think you could have made even church history fun. Well maybe not the history but at least the time spent in Nauvoo."

Ryan got back from vacation yesterday and called last night. He woke me up around 1:30am but I was so glad he did. We talked and caught up on everything (even though we've talked about every other day while he was gone). It sounds like he's looking forward to my visit almost as much as I'm looking forward to it.

After we got off the phone, I had a hard time falling back asleep. For some reason I felt unsettled. I worried about my visit. What if we run out of things to talk about? What if I don't have the same feelings about him when I see him again? What is he doesn't? Worried about stupid stuff - that's me. I mean, it really doesn't matter, right? We're just going to have an extended date. A four day long date. We can always decide afterwards that it isn't going to work and we don't want to date any more. It's going to end sooner or later. Not the end of the world.

Yet I still worry. I really like Ryan and I want it to work out.

If I'm being honest with myself, I really want to settle down. I want to quit dating and just be with someone who I really, really like. I want to feel completely secure with someone else. I want to trust my own feelings. To know that they love me just as much as I love them. I want to be able to send cheesy I love you cards and not worry that it will freak him out. I want to go shopping and buy him stuff. I want to share life's responsibilities with someone else who can make it fun. I want to look forward to coming home after work, because I have someone to come home to.

Yeah, that last one is really sad. I'm going to stop before I make myself cry.

Prefab Housing

I read an article recently on prefab housing. There's some amazing things available these days. I was telling a friend how I wanted a prefab house and some land outside town. Naturally he made fun of me. He wouldn't make fun if he saw these designs.

Resolution: 4 Architecture

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Ryan 7

Foreword: In 2004, I kept these posts on a separate blog. I wanted a place to write about my true feelings about Ryan that no one else would read. In 2007, I revisited these posts. and decided to add them to the archives. It's part of my past that is worth remembering especially the honesty with which I wrote these posts.

Got my phone bill for last month. Luckily I didn't have any long distance charges for my calls to Calgary. I was worried, because the phone company said I was going to be charged 20 cents a minute! I changed my plan and pay a flat rate of $5 a month so those calls will be long distance free. I guess the timing of changing my plan worked in my favor.

Ok, so that's not so interesting as the fact that Ryan and I talked a total of 43 and a half hours last month. Wow, that's a lot of talking. I can only imagine how many hours Kevin and I must have talked over the past two years. Scary. Part of me thinks it's a waste of time even though I really enjoy it. I mean, a whole work week is wasted just talking. Really, is anything going to come of it?

I had an epiphany the other day when I was thinking about moving to Calgary. (Something I fantasize about from time to time.) It hit me that I'm not going to move anywhere that I'm not wanted. I don't want to repeat the same experience I had with John. Since I thought moving to Milwaukee was mutual and then it ended up not being so; I have to be really careful. I decided that I would not talk about moving to Calgary (not even in a teasing way). If talk of moving somewhere ever comes up, it will be because Ryan asks me to. He's the guy, he's supposed to ASK.

Ryan called day before yesterday. He's still on vacation with his family, but he's coming home today. I'm so looking forward to his homecoming, but at the same time, I'm thinking we should chill out. I don't know, I'm getting cold feet I guess. Kristen and I were talking a couple nights about Ryan and she said she didn't understand how I could pursue the relationship and just be happy when I know it couldn't work out. Hmm, I guess she didn't realize that deep down I hope it can work out. I just keep hoping that I've found someone I can settle down with. I want to settle down. I want to be in love. I hope it can happen even if it happens with someone in Canada. But talking with Kristen made me realize that I'm silly. These are just pipe deams and that nothing is probably going to come of this relationship.

Ok, that's depressing.

The good news about talking with Ryan yesterday (other than I just enjoy talking with him) is that he's sent me a package! Wow, he thought enough about me to buy me stuff on his vacation and then in front of his whole family, go to the post office to mail it. I think it's so awesome that he likes me enough to send me stuff and to be honest with his family about it. Lucky me! Now if it would hurry up and get here!

I guess I'm a bit sensitive about the whole family thing because I've gotten negative responses from Mom and Dad when I talked about Ryan. They think it's a bad idea I get into another long distance relationship. They're probably right, but I'm going to do it anyway. I like Ryan a lot so I'm going to keep talking to him and going to see him. But I've decided that I'm not telling Mom and Dad about it. Though, I am going to have to fess up when I actually go to Calgary. Only a few more weeks.

Circa 1992

I work with a friend who I've known since junior high school. He's the reason I have a job with this company. Today we were getting coffee and chatting about what we're up to. He was telling me that he was in the process of uploading all of his digital images to a Yahoo server for safe keeping. Many of these images he scanned from prints back before we imagined digital images. I teased him that he should let me have access so I could shuffle through the images.

He sent me this picture and asked, "Are you sure?" After seeing this one, I really didn't want to see those pictures quite as badly as I thought. It was taken of us in 1992 (I think). Wow, those were bad shoes. At least we were happy.

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Bidding For Travel

My father just informed me of a very useful site - www.BiddingForTravel.com. It helped them get really great hotel prices from Priceline.com.

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Vanity Plates

I saw three more vanity license plates on the way to work this morning. Texas must have dropped the price or something, because I see them everywhere.

JST RYT
LIGHTF
GODS Z

The last one gets me. It was on a Nissan 350Z. My first thought was that the guy was a preacher or something. Then I just got disgusted. I don't know of too many religions that preach God wants you to be rich and spend all your money on frivolous things for yourself like sports cars. So whatever message he wanted to get across was lost on me.

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Karen & Jason's Approval

Karen and Jason have received all the proper paperwork and the official approval for their move to Germany! It took a little longer than expected, but it's finally taken care of. Now they start the fun part - moving. From talking with Karen last night, it sounds like they might be on their way to Germany in about a month. I'm so happy for them!

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Busy

For a short week, this sure has been a busy one. Spent Wednesday in San Antonio with a client. Spent today catching up. Tomorrow doesn't look to be much better. Thank goodness the weekend is around the corner.

Ryan 6

Foreword: In 2004, I kept these posts on a separate blog. I wanted a place to write about my true feelings about Ryan that no one else would read. In 2007, I revisited these posts. and decided to add them to the archives. It's part of my past that is worth remembering especially the honesty with which I wrote these posts.

I woke up this morning missing Ryan. It's only been two days since we talked, but I want him so badly. I think he might have even been in my dreams. I vaguely remember a dream in which I was trying to tell Ryan that I loved him. Hopefully Ryan and I can talk tonight; if he calls. Since he's staying with his brother, I don't have a way to call him. This sucks. I feel weird missing him so badly, but I do. Can't control it. The good thing is his trip only lasts a few more days and then he'll be home. After that it will be only three weeks until we see each other. I can hardly wait! I fantasize on a regular basis about kissing Ryan.

I told Summer about Ryan in an email the other day. I also sent a picture. She said, "Now he looks more your type." It's so true. Ryan is more my type from a physical perspective than Kevin was. Wish I could stop comparing Ryan and Kevin, but it's hard. Kevin is still on my mind a lot. Wish I could change that. Ryan is on my mind a lot. Don't want to change that.

Mona Lisa Smile

Watched Mona Lisa Smile this weekend. It was just as good as I heard it was. A good movie about women and their choices, specifically between career and family. It made me think about the choices I have been allowed to make. It made me think about the choices I may someday have to make. I love my independence and don't know if I'll ever be able to give it up. I love that the main character in this movie chose not to give up her independence.

However, I didn't like the way the main character emphasized that a woman can have both a family AND a career. I would have liked it better if she was encouraging women to share their responsibilities at home with their husbands while also pursuing careers. But I guess for the time period the movie was set in (50's), doing both was pretty progressive. Heaven forbid she suggest men do housework too. Heh...we've come a long way in a short time.

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Ryan 5

Foreword: In 2004, I kept these posts on a separate blog. I wanted a place to write about my true feelings about Ryan that no one else would read. In 2007, I revisited these posts. and decided to add them to the archives. It's part of my past that is worth remembering especially the honesty with which I wrote these posts.

Spent the weekend in Galveston and spent way too much time thinking about Ryan. It was nice. It was the first time in the whole month since we've met that we didn't talk every night. We sent email Friday morning but didn't talk that night. Talked very briefly on Saturday - he sent an email to my phone to say hello. I called him, and we chatted for about 5 minutes before he left for his vacation. I expected we wouldn't talk again for a whole week since he would be traveling with his family. To my surprise, Ryan called Monday afternoon, but I missed his call. To make it worse, the number he called from showed up on my cell phone as "restricted" so I couldn't call him back. I figured he'd call again, but I missed his second call while I was having dinner with the family! The message he left the second time was that he tried calling twice and that was enough for one day. I was very disappointed I didn't get to talk with him. Luckily, he tried a third time later in the evening! I was sooooo happy to talk with him. I couldn't quit smiling and laughing. I was in rare form. This man makes me so happy!

On Wednesday he sent the cutest note. It said, "Maybe you'll be glad to know it was one month ago that I had the pleasure of telling you to pay more attention to me." Wow, he's already counting! I know he was probably just being silly, but it's not often a guy points out how long we've known each other. Pretty cool.

I'm feeling like Ryan likes me quite a bit since he's pointed out the time we've known each other, he's found a way to call me during his vacation, he's told me that he likes making me happy, and he says he's really looking forward to my visit. It's a fabulous feeling to like someone as much as they like me. With Kevin, I always had the feeling that he liked me a lot more than I liked him. It's a horrible feeling really. I always felt bad though I tried to tell Kevin multiple times. I wonder if Ryan's feeling that way - like I like him more than he likes me. Hmm, haven't really got that feeling, but I guess I'll have to be aware that it could happen.