Month of May, 2004

Back from Galveston

We're back and it ends up the drive wasn't as bad as we thought it would be. Friday afternoon it took us 5 1/2 hours to get to Galveston. Monday morning it took us only 4 1/2 hours to get back.

The weekend was great. I did a lot of laying around on the beach. Galveston beach isn't the prettiest I've been to, but there's still something magical about the ocean. Kristen, Marisa, Jenny, and I just hung out, ate good food, and laughed a lot. It was quite low key and exactly what I needed. (Well, I needed it except for the sunburn in places that I missed when applying sunscreen.)

I also learned an interesting thing about myself this weekend is that I have a hard time relaxing and letting go. Saturday morning I woke up from dreams about work. Then I spent a few minutes laying in bed thinking about work and school before Kristen woke up and asked me what I was thinking about. I had to actually redirect my thoughts a few times during the weekend to make myself relax. But now that I'm home, it's time to get back in the swing of things.

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The Beach

Kristen, Marisa, Jenny, and I are going to Galveston for the long Memorial Day weekend! Marisa is getting married in a couple weeks and this is her bachelorette weekend aka girls weekend at the beach. I'm looking forward to spending time with some really neat ladies and getting a tan!

Here's the cute house we're staying in!

The only thing I'm not looking forward to is the drive south. For those of you not knowledgeable of the Texas highways, Texas has a north/south problem. Basically it's that there are only two north/south expressways and a whole gabillion people using them. Neither highway is wide enough to handle the amount of traffic on them especially on holiday weekends. To make it even worse, there are miles of construction which narrow the highway down to one lane. I'm guessing that what should be a 6 hour trip is going to be closer to 10 hours. At least I'll have good company.

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Ryan 4

Foreword: In 2004, I kept these posts on a separate blog. I wanted a place to write about my true feelings about Ryan that no one else would read. In 2007, I revisited these posts. and decided to add them to the archives. It's part of my past that is worth remembering especially the honesty with which I wrote these posts.

I like Ryan so much. He's so incredibly sweet. He doesn't get weird about being sweet either. He just is. It's tempting to write it off as beginning of the relationship stuff, but it seems more genuine than that. It's stuff like, "I'm going home and maybe I'll be lucky enough to talk to you later tonight," that he writes in email. It's his teasing that he sits by the phone waiting for me to call. I love that he doesn't have to pretend not to like me so we can play some silly game about pretending not to care.

He has joked a few times that he's been too open and honest with me. He said ihe should make it more of a chase. I don't want it to be a chase. The sweetness is totally drawing me in. I just want to be swallowed up by his embrace and snuggle into his neck.

Hell, I'm even imagining myself living with him! I'm trying to figure out if I can get a job in Canada (and a work visa first). I'm imagining what it would be like to do day to day stuff with him like cook dinner and pack for trips. I'm smitten for sure.

I feel weird about feeling like this and keep questioning it. Maybe I don't really like him that much. Maybe I just like the idea of him. Maybe this isn't what I want for the rest of my life. Maybe I just think I like him enough right now but in a couple years, I'll realize that I don't really like him all that much. Maybe I'll never find someone I'll want for the rest of my life. Maybe I should just find someone I like a lot and can change with and hop in. Is Ryan that person? Am I even old enough to be thinking this way? What do I really want? What does Ryan really want? Am I just a rebound for Ryan? Does he just miss having a wife and anyone will do?

God, I'm so cynical. At this rate, I'm never going to settle down with someone. I totally sabatoge it with my thoughts. Why can't I just sit back and enjoy how I feel? I am smitten. (I almost wrote, "I'm in love," but I'm too chicken.) When I think about Ryan, I get those silly little butterflies in my stomach. I can't wait until I can kiss him again. I think about his waist and shoulders. I find him sooooo attractive. And the kissing? The kissing is incredible. It was never like this with Kevin...a huge misstake is being involved with someone you don't like kissing. No matter how far away you live, you'll never be able to get beyond that. Or at least I was never able to. With Ryan, all I want to do is kiss. I'm not in any hurry to get intimate. I just want to kiss. And hold hands. And talk. And rub his back. And run my fingers through his hair. And smile. And watch him smile. Then kiss him some more.

I'm smiling writing all this. I even have goosebumps! I feel like I'm in junior high again. I didn't think it was possible to feel like this ever again. You know what? I don't want to give this up. I want to make this work. I know these feelings are going to wear off someday, but I'll always be able to look back and remember that they were there. That my heart was telling me something about Ryan. My heart isn't ever wrong.

Ryan makes my toes curl. this was a topic of conversation that came up with a bunch of my girlfriends. Tina asked Karen if Jason made her toes curl. Because when a guy makes your toes curl, you know it's right. I'd have to agree. At the time of the conversation I was really, really sad because Kevin didn't make my toes curl but I was too content to get out of the relationship. I was scared that I'd never get out and meet someone who made my toes curl. Yet I have. I am a very, very lucky woman.

Yesterday, Ryan ended an email with "29 sleeps." It took me all day to realize he meant we had 29 more nights until we'd be together again. So sweet! This guy is incredible. Truly.

Broken Mailbox

LucciHouse had a tragedy yesterday. The mailbox lies in pieces. It looks intentional. Do you suppose the neighbors are trying to tell us something?

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Last Day

Today is Kristen's last day at work. She has been working as a receptionist in my office for quite awhile, but now has to leave to finish up her degree. You see, she's only one class away from graduation and it's a science class. Inconveniently enough the lecture is in the morning and the lab is in the afternoon. So for the first summer session, she has to dedicate herself to chemistry, which leaves no time for office receptionist. I'm sad to see her go, especially since I won't have anyone to bother when I'm looking to take a break from work. Yet, I'm so happy that's she's about to graduate from college! I know she's worked incredibly hard and that she's so excited to be finishing. She finishes school in July.

So, do you know anyone that's hiring in August?

*Clarification - Kristen is getting a business degree.

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Ryan 3

Foreword: In 2004, I kept these posts on a separate blog. I wanted a place to write about my true feelings about Ryan that no one else would read. In 2007, I revisited these posts. and decided to add them to the archives. It's part of my past that is worth remembering especially the honesty with which I wrote these posts.

I told Ryan last night that I've begun to write about him/us. I explained that I wanted to be able to look back and remember how I was feeling and what I was thinking about. He quickly realized that I want to see the progression of my feelings over time. You see, I explained to him that I was worried that I simply lose interest in a boyfriend over time and I didn't want to do that to him. Now we'll get to see how I feel and what I'm thinking. Honestly because I'm not writing it for anyone but myself.

I'm very impressed with how aware of my feelings Ryan is. I've been pretty upfront about them so far and even including some of the scary stuff. He's atypical in that he hasn't acted scared. He did say that he doesn't like to hurt ("I don't like hurt"). Who does? The way he said it was more silliness than seriousness, but I kinda thought maybe there was some truth to it. A little bit of a warning inside a joke. I certainly have no plans on hurting him though I am afraid it might happen. After all, I hurt Kevin. Certainly not intentionally because I love Kevin. It just hurts when you don't get loved back as much as you love.

But, yeah, Ryan seems very aware of how I'm feeling and is comfortable. Or at least gives the appearance of comfort. I almost don't know what to think. I guess I should be pleased, which I am. I think he may be more thoughtful/contemplative than he lets on.

Ryan 2

Foreword: In 2004, I kept these posts on a separate blog. I wanted a place to write about my true feelings about Ryan that no one else would read. In 2007, I revisited these posts. and decided to add them to the archives. It's part of my past that is worth remembering especially the honesty with which I wrote these posts.

I got home from the conference and sent Ryan an email. I figured it was a gesture of kindness even if he didn't want to keep in touch. I liked him enough to keep in touch, but I keep in touch with everyone. At that point in time, I had no intentions of having anything significant with Ryan.

He wrote back a very flirty email. I had forgotten that after the conference he went to Seattle to spend the weekend with his brother, Warren. Ryan was thinking about me enough to write and I found out later that he even told Warren about me. (Described me as a cute, short girl from Texas.)

A couple days later, I called him on a night I knew he wouldn't be home. I wanted to hear his answering machine. Mostly just to hear his voice, but not have any ackward moments on the phone. However, I did leave a message. Yeah, I was being passive aggressive - I wanted him to know that I wanted to talk, but I wanted him to have a choice in it too. Ends up he wanted to talk too because he called me a couple days later. We talked for at least two hours.

I realized that there was a lot more to Ryan than I had seen in Vegas. I thought I might actually find myself liking him a lot more than I had thought. (Little did I know at the time.)

Amazing Compliment

I received this compliment from a friend whom I respect a whole lot.

"You project this quiet confidence and determination in a real down to Earth way. I haven't known many people like that. You've never let your ego run rampant and that has always impressed me."

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Ryan 1

Foreword: In 2004, I kept these posts on a separate blog. I wanted a place to write about my true feelings about Ryan that no one else would read. In 2007, I revisited these posts. and decided to add them to the archives. It's part of my past that is worth remembering especially the honesty with which I wrote these posts.

I was in Vegas for the user conference. I didn't really want to work the conference, but my boss made me. The first night I stayed in and worked on a paper for school. The second night, I was convinced to go out with my boss (VP) and his boss (senior VP). We went to an Irish pub at New York New York. I went because I wanted to schmooze with my bosses.

I made my way around the patio talking to various groups of people. Pretty early on I saw a very, very attractive man. So attractive, in fact, that I decided to join the conversation. I remember initially being turned off because he was so loud. Though he didn't dominate the conversation like most loud people do. Just loud. And Canadian. I didn't know what to think, but like I said, initially I wasn't turned on. Eventually, I changed groups and continued to drink.

Soon the group decided to move on. We rode the train in between hotels and ended up in Mandalay Bay. Rode the train with a bunch of my coworkers and this loud Canadian came with us. Apparently he was a client who worked quite a bit with other support groups. In Mandalay Bay, there was a little banter back and forth with this cute man. He was flirting but so was I. The club we wanted to go to was closed so we opted for a live band. Sat a few seats away from the Canadian, whose name I learned was Ryan. We talked a little, but nothing significant. I remember thinking that he was very silly.

I spent the rest of the night drinking and dancing. I even danced with the senior VP which was a little weird but very cool. Almost everyone ended up on the dance floor at one moment or another except for Ryan. Admittedly, I was hoping Ryan was watching me dance. Hey, I wanted him to notice me, but it didn't seem like he was.

As it got later and later, people wandered back to the hotel so there was just a small group of us left. I went to sit down and order another drink. Ryan loudly says to me, "Pay attention to me now." It made my heart jump. (And still does.) I was so thrilled that he wanted my attention. Despite the demand, it was very cute so I sat down with him. I hardly remember what we talked about, but I do remember learning very early on that he didn't have a girlfriend.

My recollection gets fuzzy here ,because I was so drunk. I don't think I ever got another drink. Instead, I think everyone decided to leave. It took four taxis to get everyone back to our hotel. Of course, I ended up in a taxi with Ryan, my boss, and another coworker. On the way back, I decided that food would be a good idea and started talking about it. When we actually arrived, I decided to find the 24-hour restaurant for a cheese burger and Ryan came with me. I remember walking across the lobby with my boss as Ryan and I walked away to get food.

We got a table pretty quickly since it was 3 in the morning on a Monday night. I sat down in the booth first and was shocked when Ryan sat down in the booth with me. It was the first moment that I realized he liked me and that this could possibly lead to something more. (Though I had no idea the extent of more.) We ordered a cheese burger to share. I ate it with onions despite thinking better of it.

We talked and talked and talked. I hardly remember what we talked about now because I was so drunk at the time. I do remember that he gave me "the look" a couple times at the table. You know, "the look." It's the one where you know a guy wants to kiss you. It made my heart flip flop a bit. By the time we were alone, Ryan had quieted down a lot and seemed quite a nice guy. I learned he had a degree and a good job. I figured he was about my age but he never told me specifically. Eventually we finished dinner and I paid. After all, he was the client.

We ended up staying in the same wing of the hotel and took the elevator together. I was surprised to find us in an elevator alone. Though by now it must have been 4 o'clock in the morning and very few people we out. He was on the fifth floor and I was on the twelfth. We pressed the buttons. I distinctively remember Ryan leaning up against the wall with his hand almost behind his back. I pressed up against him, and we started kissing.

It was absolutely breath-taking. It was passionate and aggressive yet not too much so. I knew right then that I wanted this man a lot. The elevator stopped at the fifth floor and we didn't stop kissing. The elevator stopped at the twelfth floor and we didn't stop kissing. I realized we were back at the ground floor and pulled away.

There was an awkward moment of not knowing where to go or what to do. All I wanted to do was keep kissing this incredible man. When I realized he was not going to invite me to his room, I invited him to mine. However, I invited him only if he understood that we were not going to have sex. He appeared a tiny bit surprised, but quickly agreed. (I didn't think he was surprised because he thought we were going to have sex, but because he didn't think it was an option at all. Definitely a different reaction than most men I've been with.) We pressed floor twelve again and rode up.

I had a moment of anxiety when I thought what would happen if anyone saw me taking a customer back to my room. But then I just let my desires take over. I hardly remember what occurred between the door and the bed, but we ended up in bed together. The kissing was incredible and I didn't want it to stop. It was all very tame - we only had our shirts off. Ryan totally respected me and didn't even try anything! It was like he was just as excited as I was to simply kiss.

Eventually we fell asleep though not for very long. I woke at an insanely early hour and rolled over to Ryan immediately. I just wanted to be near him. Naturally, it woke him up and neither of us could get back to sleep despite total exhaustion. So we laid in bed talking for a few hours. I learned a lot about Ryan that morning, though I can't remember what I learned when. The fact that he had been married, they have a son together, but were now divorced didn't seem like that big of a deal. Mostly because I didn't think I'd see him again.

The conversation and cuddling was nice but we had to get up for the conference. He left for his room and I got ready. I saw him downstairs shortly afterward and he looked so beautiful. I barely made eye contact because I didn't want anyone I worked with to know what happened.

We ended up exchanging cell numbers at some point and got in touch the next night. We both had dinner plans but agreed to meet afterwards. I think Ryan mentioned that we should go back to my room right after dinner but I wanted to go out dancing with everyone. So he came along. It was a fun night as well. There was plenty of dancing and drinking. I think I even got a bit short with Ryan since I was worried my coworkers were going to find out and I was going to get in trouble. I remember telling him that my job was more important than he was.

Though somehow I still allowed him to come back to my room. We sat on the couch and kissed for awhile. I lamented what a bad idea it was for us to be together, but it was kind of a mute point by that time. The kissing was still incredible though I wasn't able to stay awake for very long. Again, I woke up at an insane hour in the morning. We laid in bed for a few hours that morning talking. This morning he let me kiss him despite embarrassment for morning breath. He had nothing to worry about. Ryan even tastes good in the morning.

At one point my cell phone rang and I had to sell services to a customer over the phone. It was a comical site because I was lying in bed with Ryan, without a shirt, talking business. The best part was when he ran his fingers over my skin.

Eventually we got up for the day. It was our last day in Vegas so we knew we might not see each other again. I was a bit surprised when Ryan asked for my contact information. I really didn't think he'd call. I really didn't think another long distance relationship was in my future. I finally learned Ryan's last name that morning. I'll never forget how he looked so tall and beautiful standing at the door saying goodbye.

That was the last time I saw him in person. We talked on the phone that afternoon as he was at the airport. He said he wished we had made better plans and gone to the airport together. That was the first sign I had that there might be a future. We went our separate directions that day, but only for a little while.

Personalized License Plates

On the way to work this morning, I saw three personalized license plates.
SACRED
BATTEE
PRPL HZ
They all had me asking a few questions.

SACRED - Is the car sacred? The driver? Or it is a typo and really should have read SCARED?
BATTEE - At first glance, I thought it said BATTLE. I just couldn't figure why any one would want to refer to violence on their license plate.
PRPL HZ - My initial thought was "Purple Heart." It took me awhile to figure out until I realized it was on a purple PT Cruiser. So it really stands for "Purple Hearse." According to the readers (see the comments), I'm wrong. It's supposed to be "Purple Haze."

Too bad I wasn't able to get my camera out and take pictures for Dave's license plate collection over at Floorpie.net.

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Saturday

Yesterday afternoon I was studying with Amy at her parents house. We were studying in the kitchen and as I was looking out the window, I saw a couple lizards. I quickly realized it was an intimate moment for them. Eventually, Amy and I went outside for a close look. We were amazed a how close they let us get. It felt like a national geographic special.

Later in the evening, I went to The Art of Espresso, a coffee shop/art gallery, where my friend, Susie Harrison, was having a show. She's an artist and musician so she often performs at her openings. It was a beautiful show and very touching music. I really liked how she reminded me to slow down. Take time to be creative. It inspired me to go to Junction next summer for a couple weeks after graduation and just make art.

After the opening, I went to see Shrek 2 with Amy and Billy. That was a very funny movie. I'd recommend it.

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Tiger is so cute.

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Driving

I drive a lot. I live in Dallas/Fort Worth which is a huge metropolitan area. I seldom go anywhere in DFW that doesn't require a trip on the expressway. On a typical day I spend about an hour (give or take 20 minutes) in my car just going to and from work. On school days, I spend 1 and a half to two hours in my car. I've been wondering how many miles I actually drive every day so yesterday I paid particular attention.

Home to work - 24 miles / 39 km
Work to school - 22 miles / 35 km
School to home - 31 miles / 50 km
Total roundtrip - 77 miles / 124 km

Based on yesterday's calculations which are totally typical of a school day, I've figured out what a typical week looks like. Note that this is a minimum because there's a good chance I go to school on more days than just when I have class. Then there's Saturday and Sunday. Most of my friends live in Dallas (about 30 miles away) so I typically drive that roundtrip at least once in a weekend.

Monday (work only) - 48 miles
Tuesday (school and work) - 77 miles
Wednesday (school and work) - 77 miles
Thursday (work only) - 48 miles
Friday (work only) - 48 miles
Saturday & Sunday - ???
Minimum total for the week - 298 miles / 480 km

That's just crazy. Someday I want to live in a smaller city.

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CH-CHECK IT OUT.

Have you heard the new Beastie Boys song? It's old school, which is the right school. The video is awesome too. I'm in love...so much in fact that I preordered the CD. Wish I didn't have to wait until next month for it to arrive. At least for now I can enjoy it at www.beastieboys.com.

If you haven't heard it, you should go CH-CHECK IT OUT.

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Recent History

You're probably wondering what I've been up to since I've done very little posting about my life in the past week.

Weekend of May 8 & 9
Kristen, Leia, and I went to Oklahoma City to visit Karen and Jason. We visited the Oklahoma City Memorial. We got to see their lovely apartment I managed to help them move a few things into their storage garage. We went drinking. We saw Tinker Air Force Base. We saw an incredible Chihuly piece in the window at the art museum. I sat on a buffalo. We just hung out. It was a quick 24 hours in Oklahoma, but totally enjoyable. I love my sister so much! And I even love my new brother-in-law too!

Week of May 10 - 14
I spent the week in Scottsdale, Arizona to take a class on facilitating meetings. Plus, I went to some informal meetings and spent quite a bit of time with my boss. The class was absolutely one of the best training classes I've been to. We learned how to garner agreement during a meeting. I had insights about verbal and non-verbal communication. I learned how to keep people on process during a meeting. I wish someone had taught me this stuff before I started teaching high school! It was totally valuable and I know I'll use it forever - at work and in my personal life.

I came home from Scottsdale totally exhausted. It's been a long time since I've gone out every night after work and I'm out of practice. There was always something going on at night! I swear, it was too much fun. It seemed that as soon as I got back to my room, someone was calling to get me down to the hotel bar. (It probably didn't help that I have a tendency to work late when I'm there.) After a couple cocktails it would be off to dinner and staying out too late. I was so happy to come home and just slow down.

Summer school started last week while I was away. I'll be playing catch up this week for sure. Classes this term are on Tuesday and Wednesday nights. I'm taking a database class and a law from a managerial perspective class.

Weekend of May 15 & 16
Saturday night was Karen and Jason's going away party. It was a TON of fun. Everyone came out to LucciHouse and just hung out. My parents even came for a little bit. Everyone was in a great mood and conversations flowed all night. I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful group of friends.

Sunday I caught up on all the little stuff like bills and all the big stuff like laundry. (Why do I wait so long?!) I spent most of the day alone, which I really needed after such a busy week with little time to myself.

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SummerBash 3

SummerBash 3: I Still Know What You Did Last SummerBash is coming up in June. It's a weekend for friends to get together in Austin, make art, float down the river in tubes, celebrate birthdays, and just generally act crazy. I'm soooo looking forward to it!

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When Something is Right

I heard good advice today. When you know something is right both your heart and your head will be shouting it. The trick to making decisions is listening to both of them to make sure it's both of them shouting and not just one.

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Quote of the Day

"America is like a whole nation of girls...you all think you're right."
- Ryan, the Canadian

Fatal Flaw

Do you have a fatal flaw? Are you willing to tell us about it?

Mine is probably that I'm overbearing. I like to take control. If you hesitate, I'll jump in and decide for you. Sometimes I won't even give you a choice; we're simply going to do it my way.

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5:30am Musings

It's 5:30am and I'm awake. Honestly, I have no idea why. I'm simply wide awake at 5:30 on a Thursday. This is way earlier than I need to be up. I'm antsy.

Thinking about friendship and love and how nothing ever quite turns out right for both people. It's almost like these things are designed to be weird/difficult. My timing is horrible.

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Car Flirting

It's almost summertime which means it's time to roll down the windows, open the sunroof, and cruise. (Well, cruise as much as I can between home and work, work and school, and school and home.) As enjoyable as the cruising with the windows down can be, there is a downside to it. The unfortunate part occurs when some stupidhead decides to car flirt. Obviously being in another car with the windows down means that the highway is the perfect place to flirt. I mean, with speeds of 65 mph plus, it's a totally safe. Even if it's just flirting from the car at a stoplight it's stupid. Like anyone is going to hook up at a stoplight. I can see it now, you're at a party with him and your friends as, "So how did you meet?" You respond, "At the light at Park Row and Bowen." HOT.

Car flirting is stupid. Car flirting with me is even stupider. I drive a Civic. Doesn't exactly scream cool or rich or anything. I have no idea why guys try to car flirt with me, but I hate it. So I've found a solution.

I've only worn them one day and I've already seen major results. Guys simply don't know what to think. These should put all car flirting with me to a stop. It might be the best $4.84 I spend all summer.

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Look Familiar

My boss just sent me an email with the subject "Look familiar?" and enclosed was this picture.

Hilarious.

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Laughter

Last night I had the most fun shopping for groceries anyone could possibly have. My sister, Kristen, is quite possibly the person I have the most fun with EVER. She makes me laugh harder than anyone ever has. It's uncanny. On the way home from the grocery store, I was eating fast food, and we were discussing the fact that "stupid-head" is quite possibly the best insult. All Kristen did was say "stupid-head," and I laughed hard enough to spew food all over the windshield. It was truly a sight. This is one of those things only a sister can make you do.

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Best Picture of Me Ever

Believe it or not, I took it myself in Vegas after getting a little too much sun at the pool.

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Jefe

I forgot to mention that I had the pleasure of hanging out with Jefe on Friday night. No pictures, though. I was so distracted by all the rain and hail here that I forgot to take my camera. Let me assure you that he looked like his usual rockstar self.

Sidenote for Jeff - you know how we were arguing about when we first started hanging out? Well, my memory is better than yours. It was April 2002. TWO years ago, not one. Don't believe me? Luckily I've got this handy website thing which sufficiently archives my life. Click on the "Austin - April 6-8, 2002" album on the photos page. The second picture in that album was the first time I saw you in person.

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Weekend

The picnic on Saturday was a ton of fun even if it was a little cold.

Pictures are here.

Saturday night we got to hang out with Kristin, who was in town visiting. Her father and Tess were nice enough to let us take over their backyard for an evening. It was great. I especially enjoyed getting to know Kristin a bit better.

Today, Kristen (my sister) and I worked on the house and lawn. Things are looking mightyfine at the LucciHouse. Later in the afternoon, Kristen, Eric, and I went to Caves to hang out on the patio and drink a couple beers. It was an absolutely fabulous day outside (which was so nice after yesterday's cold). I'm feeling extremely laid back right now. It's so nice to have a break from school.

There were lots of dogs running around on the patio. This is Cleo who quite quickly chose Kristen's lap as the prime seat in the house. (Who wouldn't?)

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DFWBlogs Picnic

It's official, my friends are crazy. I'm supposed to be going to a picnic today, which isn't all that crazy unless you know what the whether in Dallas is like today. It was raining (and hailing) all night last night and it's considerably colder. Not exactly balmy picnic weather. But Leia says "Rain or Shine." I'm guessing it might be more like mud wrestling than a picnic. Hey, I'm always up for an adventure...especially one that involves a grill and some mud.

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