Month of March, 2001

Thank Goodness for the Weekend

It's Saturday morning and absolutely gorgeous in Dallas. I feel well rested and am happy. Yesterday I got all bent out of shape about my job but I'm feeling ok today. Yes, it's definitely time to move on and do something I'm really interested in. But there's no need to go to work and be pissed off. Now I'm just a lot more motivated to get training and move on. That's a good feeling.

Jason, Kris and I made books last night. Not WROTE books but made them. You know, like artist's books. Ok, so you probably don't. It's not exactly a well known medium. Someday I'll post pictures of some books but in the meantime just look around the web there's a few cool pages out there with true artist's books. Mine isn't completely finished but the covers are done. The content is just some journal entries I was writing on scrap paper at work before I started blogging. They needed a home. Jason's book is incorporating computer imagery...an old processor on the cover and all the pages have binary on them. It's going to be very cool when he finishes. Kris stayed up later than Jason and I so he finished all his pages. They are GORGEOUS! Kris really has an eye for art and has truly made a beautiful piece. I know the covers are going to be great too.

Now we're off to Arlington to walk Tiger, have lunch, and make some phone calls. At least it's beautiful outside so I won't mind the drive. I'm so happy and thankful to have the weekends off as well as some extra money to spend during them. I think Jason and I are going to visit our favorite store (Frye's) and buy me a new keyboard...maybe even a new mouse! Hope everyone is enjoying their weekend as much as I am.

Rambling this Morning

My name has been removed from John's web page. I think that's a good thing. I need to let go and move on. Obviously he has. It's just hard because I'm still in love with him. Or at least the idea of him. Yeah, I think it's the idea of him.

Wanting someone like I want John is not healthy.

He was in my dreams last night. I don't know exactly what they were about but I know he was there. It's a shame we can't turn off parts of our brains. Or just delete a specific file. Memories will always be there as twisted and crazy as they are.

It's Friday. I'm sad today and it's overcast (again). We've been having crazy weather for this time of year in Texas. I'm so ready for spring (even summer) to get here! Just make it quit raining! I'm so glad I don't live in Seattle...I'd probably stay in bed for the rest of my life. That wouldn't be so bad if I could just work from home. Jason and I were joking about that the other day. He said I should get a big flat screen to hang on the wall so I could lay in bed with a wireless keyboard and mouse but still be connected. Then of course we laughed about him coming over to change my IV and bedpan because I'd never get out of bed. I should pull a publicity stunt like that. Though I don't think my parents would appreciate it too much since it's their house and all.

Almost finished up my taxes last night. It looks like I'm going to owe the government some money. THAT SUCKS. I'm really happy that I live in a country whose government takes care of so many things so I don't really mind paying taxes. It's just hard to write a check to the US government. I'd rather they just take it out of my paycheck so I never see the money at all. Besides, doesn't all the money I lost in the stock market in the past few months count for something?! Yeah, yeah, I know it doesn't but I wish it did. Hey, at least I have money...I could be a lot worse off.

Last night I cleaned out my shower drain. It's a totally disgusting job but it's got to be done. I was sick of standing in 2 inches of water by the end of my 4 minute shower. Last night it appeared to be running smoothly and quickly. Then when I showered this morning, I realized the problem is not completely solved. Actually it's worse. When I left the house there was a whole inch of water not going anywhere in my shower. Wonder if it will still be there when I get home.

Civil War Graffiti

Civil War Graffiti
"To Jeff. Davis: May he be set afloat ... (on a) boat without compass or rudder ... eaten by a shark, the shark by a whale, the whale in the Devil's belly, and the Devil in Hell, the gates locked ... and, further, may he be put in the northwest corner with a southeast wind blowing ashes in his eyes for all ETERNITY."

Now why can't graffiti be this eloquent today?

Zefrank

Who is this guy?
And how can I get a date with him?!
How to Dance Properly
My favorite is "Who's your Daddy?"

Bad Communicators!

Men are bad communicators! How have men controlled business for so long? It seems to m they would barely be able to talk to each other! Women seem to be the ones who get everything straight for the men. (Or at least we play along like we understand until we have a chance to figure it out for ourselves...because we know a man could never explain it right.)

But maybe I'm being harsh on men. It could just be the men I work with. Urrrggghhh! They infuriate me!
We're a fucking help desk...how can you help if you can't communicate?!

Blog Responses Via Email

From: Summer
Subj: blog
Erica,
I just read today's entry in your blog and YES there is something you can do..when you get to this fabulous time in your life - ELOPE or take a vacation wedding in Bali...we will stil be there! ;)

All kidding aside, I appreciate your offer and when I switch back to doing planning stuff - I will let you know! Until then, try not to get overwhelmed by all the stuff out there...the most essential ingredients are 1.Love and 2.Simple Creativity...once mixed, bake at 100 degrees of confidence and you will have the perfect wedding related event. ;)

I think Summer has definitely got the right idea! Love and Simple Creativity! For those of you who know Summer and Greg, you will agree they do these things well. I'm so happy for them and can't wait until the wedding. It is going to be well worth the wait.

From: Dave Kleeman
Subj: RE: blog
got your e-mails, read your blogs, I will respond when I get a chance. One
thing, though (from your blog)I believe the maid of honor is supposed to do
everything aren't they?! Like the bridal shower, the rehearsal dinner,
making sure the bride gets the whole dress thing down. It's a lot of stress
and an "honor" from what I understand. Must go to meeting now...

I think Dave, too, is right. Sure it will be a lot of work but it is a lot of honor. However, I should add that I'm not doing even 1% of the work in comparison to Summer. And I think that's what I was thinking yesterday. The whole wedding is an amazing amount of work. I can handle my small parts especially since I'm doing it for someone else and not myself (don't know why, but that makes it seem a lot more fun). This is also very, very special to me since Summer has been a very good friend for a very long time. She's a soul mate and a sister that I'm very, very luck to have! I'm thankful that I have someone as neat as Greg to share her with! (Greg knows how lucky he is too!)

Marriage

I'm so glad I'm not getting married. Summer, my best friend from high school, is getting married, and I'm her maid of honor. This is a very exciting time for Summer, but I just got a taste for how much work it is too. I am having a bridal shower for Summer in May when she will be able to come down from Texas. I figured I'd better do some research to see what kinds of things I could find on the net about bridal showers since I've only been to one in my whole life. (Where I spent the majority of the time standing in the kitchen eating and spent exactly 5 seconds talking to the bride.) I've only been surfing a half an hour or so and I'm already overwhelmed with the amount of information! Who knew you could find so much advice on this stuff?! I'm just glad it's not me getting married.

With that said, Summer, if you're reading this, do you need any help? I'll be happy to do anything I can because I can only imagine the amount of work you've done already.

Sneaky

Despite the crummy weather yesterday, I had a lovely evening. Jason came over and we took a nap. Then I made dinner for the family. Even Kristen came over. Then Jason, Tiger and I layed around for the rest of the evening. It was perfect.

Hmmm, looks like the fire alarm was going off in the building next door. You're probably wondering how it can "look" like it's going off when it's a fire ALARM. You know, in today's world of high technology, they now install fire alarms with little strobe lights that make a noise AND flash. I hope there's not seriously a fire. Hmmm, just as I was thinking that, the lights stopped. Maybe it is just an electrical hiccup. We did have a power outage yesterday. I'm beginning to think California is rubbing off on us with the frequency of power loss in this building.

Jason told me the funniest thing last night. The first time he called to ask me out, he wanted me to go to GameWorks to play video games with Kris and him. They have a deal that you can play all you want from 10pm to midnight for like 20 bucks. Of course I wanted to go but couldn't because I can't stay up that late during the week. (Shit, I can hardly stay up that late on the weekends.) So Jason and I ended up going to dinner instead that night. It was completely unexpected and ended up being cool. That's how we started dating. Last night he told me that he simply used the video game invitation as an excuse to call; he knew I wouldn't be able to go since I work so early! Sneaky little bastard! It cracks me up! I would have never thought to do something like that! Are all men so sneaky?

So now I'm trying to remember a time when I was sneaky like that. I can't think of one off the top of my head. Maybe I'll come up with something by the end of the day.

Boring

I wish someone would get out of bed and get on the computer. I'm bored out of my mind and could really use someone to talk to. Though if I was in bed right now, I wouldn't be going anywhere either. It's a crummy day here in Dallas - cold and rainy. So to all of you who are in bed, enjoy yourselves! I wish I was you.

Vending Machines

A couple weeks ago, Jason gave me a writing assignment. I think Jason's assignment was for me to discuss the social impact of vending machines. Really I don't see any. They basically make things more convenient. But are they really? I mean, if they took credit cards they'd be convenient but right now you have to have cash in your wallet (which I seldom do). And here in the US we don't have the exciting choices that other countries have. I mean, you can't get a clean pair of underwear and you never know when you might need it! Though, I should give this country a little credit. In the bathroom at the movies in Kansas City, you can actually buy chap stick. No condoms...but chap stick.
* Guess that tells us what's acceptable and not acceptable in the movie theater.

An excellent (because it's interesting) reference in regards to vending machines.

Vending machines have never had any kind of major impact on my life. They are useful when I'm hungry and a snack will do the trick. I use coke machines most frequently. And I think that by keeping the soda cold, they prove their purpose. I mean, with the crazy expense (50 cents for a coke was a lot in junior high...now it's up to 75 cents!), it had better be cold. It's not like you're getting a superior product...it's just colder than it would be off the shelf in the grocery store or from your desk drawer.

I hear vending machines are a good way to make money, though I think it's just a ploy. I mean, how much money can you actually make off gum balls? I guess since they only cost a couple cents each and you're charging someone a whole quarter, the markup is pretty good. (Not as good as on jewelry but pretty good.)

My favorite vending machines are snack machines. I love getting a candy bar at work though I try to keep this behavior at a minimum because I wouldn't love it so much if I did it everyday. And when I was an art student, I admit to being a regular customer of the vending machines. It was convenient - which is the major selling point to vending machines. I mean, who would pay 75 cents for a roll of Lifesavers unless it was just around the corner from your desk?

What happened to coffee machines? I think that at one point they were very popular. Unfortunately, people now get their caffeine high from soda instead of coffee these days. Or maybe people have just gotten snotty about coffee since Starbucks has become a staple of life. These days people are getting snotty about everything.

Apparently you can even get a coke from a vending machine through the web. Not exactly sure why this is useful as you still have to get up from your computer to go get it but not everything can be perfect. (In this case, perfect refers to actually making people the laziest beings in the universe.)

My favorite vending machine of all time was in a hotel in Japan. This machine actually had gin and tonic in a can! I've heard that Japan is the biggest country on vending machines. I think I read you can even get clean underwear in a vending machine! (Not like anyone would want to buy it dirty...)

What do you think? Is there any social implications? Or just a good excuse to buy stuff without interacting with another person?

Excellent E-Mail Excerpts

"Hope you slept well. Wind chimes let the breeze sing. Jello is good."

"It was so good to talk with you today. You are the best!"

"I actually audibly went "ahhh" all three times I read your note."

Friends

I have some really incredible friends. Friends are what life is all about. I'm so thankful I have everyone of you in my life. I am so lucky.

Monday morning...already

I'm back in Dallas after a lovely weekend in Austin. I'm at work, it's early and I'm staring out my window at a woman in an office across the courtyard. She works at the record copmany and it's totally weird that she's here this early. They NEVER work. I mean, at least in their offices. It's only 6am and she's in her office. Weird. She's cute too...very blonde hair in a tight pony tail, black fitted designer jeans, grey sleeveless blouse. And she's got a nice lamp on her desk so she doesn't bother with the overhead lights at this time of the morning. I need a lamp so I don't have to bake all morning in the bright florescents. I wonder if she noticed me over here staring at her. I wonder what her name is.

My weekend out of town was really good. I got to spend a lot of time with Autumn which was desperately needed. There's something about being with Autumn that makes my world so right. She gives me perspective and makes life seem worthwhile. I needed it because last week was depressing. It wasn't that the week was all that depressing but that I was just depressed all week. I'm feeling much better now. I was able to bounce all sorts of things off her - how I feel about John and our contact, how I feel about Jason and where that relationship is going, how I feel about work and my career, how I feel about the changes in my life since June. Autumn and I talk a lot about feelings...it's important. I know I talked a lot this weekend but I hope I listened equally as much. Autumn is the only person I never feel unequal with. We give and take about the same. We're the perfect couple...

Quick run down of the weekend's events. Friday night Jason, Kris, and I didn't get into Austin until 9pm. I dropped Jason off at Mike's house and socialized for a moment before driving across town to drop Kris off at Taylor's house and socializing for another moment before rushing off to Autumn's apartment. It was 10pm before I got there and I was pretty wiped out. Getting up at 4am makes it VERY hard to stay up late without the influence of additional substances. Cindy was over so we all laid in Autumn's bed talking. It was SO nice to hang out with girls. I needed it. We ended up avoiding the bars that night and got to sleep early. Basically we didn't go out because I was tired and really wanted to lay in bed to talk. Autumn was wonderful to humor me. The next morning, I woke up early and snuck outside to smoke a cigarette. When I came back inside, I realized that I accidentally woke Autumn up but which gave us a chance to lay in bed and talk. Then we had bagels and coffee just like I had hoped. We ran errands and did some shopping for the rest of the day. I got my hair cut and my eyebrows waxed (which is a first for me). That evening, we had dinner with Jason, Mike, and Cindy at Autumn's favorite restaurant, Shady Grove. It was nice but a little weird as social outings with strangers can be. That night we went to Mike's house for Aaron's birthday party. It was an interesting group of people to say the least. Sunday Autumn and I had bagels again for breakfast this time seeing the cute guy at the bagel shop. I think he recognized us which is nice since I haven't been in Austin in at least a month. Then we bummed around the rest of the day until I had to pick up Jason and Kris to drive back to Dallas. We left later than planned so as soon as I got back home I played with Tiger and tumbled into bed. Overall it was an exceptional weekend.

Things that are notable.
- Sean (yet another Lubbock-ite) was wearing a holster when he answered the door at Mike's house. Knowing Jason's friends, I asked Jason if he was carrying a gun. Ends up it was just an e-holster. God, I love dorks.
- Kevin, who also lives with Mike, came in asking about the new parrot in the house. Apparently it wasn't a permanent addition to the house which already has enough animals (4 guys) living in it.
- Cindy, who has gorgeous, curly, red hair, brushed it out Friday night and has the biggest head of hair I've EVER seen. I'm of the opinion that she should always wear it big...but then she might not fit through doorways.
- People in Austin are the nicest I've ever seen them (especially to two cute girls out on a sunny, Saturday afternoon).
- It's good to live on a street with a street sign to help people find your house (unlike Mike, Aaron, Kevin, Sam, and Sean).
- Eyebrow waxing is definitely excessive, but it is strangely satisfying...something to do with having someone pluck out all the tiny little hairs you'd never notice yourself.
- I am going to quit telling people that I used to be a teacher...it just sets me up to have a conversation that I don't want. When you say you quit teaching, people ask all sorts of questions about why and if you liked it or not. On the other hand, when you tell someone you quit a computer job, they congradulate you on moving on to something better. Annoying.
- If I were a drug dealer, I would be on call specifically between 10pm and 4am. For this is ALWAYS the time people want drugs but can not get them.
- Cameras in bathrooms at a party is just NOT cool.
- Making out in a dark bedroom at a party IS cool.
- Bagels in the morning make my life complete.
- Jason drove home part of the way on Sunday so I was able to sleep in the backseat. This is significant because I didn't freak out about someone else driving my car!
- Toy Joy is a really fun store but grossly overpriced.
- Autumn finally got door knobs in her apartment (after asking for 6 months)!
- I realized that I didn't really fit in at the party Saturday night when Jason told me there was a group of guys arguing about Linux. At least I'm cute.

It was a good weekend and I'm glad I went. It's going to be a long Monday though...too much work crap. Hey, at least I make money which allows me to do the things I did this weekend.

100 LBs

Did you know that "typically, it takes about 100 pounds of insertion force to install a chip into a standard 169-pin screw machine socket."? Holy cow, I didn't!!! Thank god for the person who invented the zero-insertion force socket!

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Going to Austin

I love my job. Where else could I come to work and for the first two hours pay my bills, balance my checkbook, shop online, and paint my nails?

It's Friday and I'm going to Austin this weekend. Going to go see Autumn! Yeah!! I never can see too much of that girl. Jason and Kris are going to drive down with me. Jason is going to visit Mike Marsh and some other friends. Kris is going to visit Taylor (god, why can't I ever remember Taylor's last name...I've known him for years!). It'll make the drive more enjoyable to have them along. Saturday night Jason's friend, Aaron is having a birthday party so we'll all probably get together for that. Should be interesting to meet some more of Jason's friends/acquaintances. I'm really looking forward to all the typical things Autumn and I do together. Like get bagels for breakfast at the little place around the corner from her house. We like to sit around and rehash the previous night's events over coffee.

*Side Note* Plus, the guys who work there are always flirtatious. Last time I was there, I think I was saying how perfect it would be for me to date a guy who works in a bagel place. Afterall, he'd be going to work as early (if not earlier) than me to start baking. It would work out wonderfully...we'd go to bed early, get up early, and have the whole afternoon together. Too bad I don't think I could get excited about a guy who bakes bagels for a living.

Autumn and I usually see a movie or two when we're together. I absolutely love the Alamo Drafthouse which is a movie theater with food and drinks. The only thing I don't like about it is that "last call" usually interrupts an important part of the movie. Just checked out the weather and it looks like it's going to rain all weekend. I think that ensures the fact that Autumn and I will see a movie at some point. Mostly I'm looking forward to lying in bed with Autumn talking. This is something we used to do all the time when we lived together in Lubbock. Just relax and talk. Now THAT sounds like a plan.

Quote of the Day

"Oh strangling, definitely. If I was going to beat someone to death, I might as well run em over."
-Dave in a conversation about how to kill someone with your bare hands

Thoughts

It's so gorgeous outside. I've got my window open. I'm enjoying this spring weather while I can. Since I live in Texas it will be a VERY short time until it's hotter than hell. Why do people live here? I think I read that on a webpage the other day, but it was in regards to the ridiculous sodomy laws this state has. I agree the law is horrible, but I'm not exactly so political that I choose the place I live based on the laws. Especially the ones regarding sodomy...it's not something I practice on a regular basis.

How did I just get from discussing spring weather to sodomy?

When I was younger, I used to lay in bed Saturday mornings just thinking. My favorite thing to do during that time was to just think then retrace my thought patterns. You know, like I was just thinking about books. Before that I was thinking about writing. Before that I was thinking about painting. Before that I was thinking about blue dogs....you get the idea. When did I suddenly grow up and quit lying in bed Saturday mornings?

Retarded Monkey

I just asked someone to call me and she said, "What would you like me to call you?" It made me think of my boyfriend from college, Brian Capps, who used to call me Retarded Monkey. I got warm fuzzies thinking about this. It's a stupid name but it was mine. And Brian meant it in such a cute, caring way.

Don't get any ideas...it wouldn't be cute from anyone else.

Thursdays

What a busy morning this has been so far. A link to our application was down and I wasted a lot of time talking to an idiot who didn't know anything. Should have know better than to call there. Finally I talked to the right people, who already knew it was a problem, and they're working on it. Oh well, we live and learn.

It's so exciting that the sun is coming up earlier and earlier. I mean, it's 6:40am and all of a sudden I can see outside. Spring is here!

I was thinking on the way to work today how excited I used to get about Thursdays when I was in high school. It was the best day of the week for me. Just before the weekend and I knew we wouldn't be doing anything on Friday at school. So Thursday was a day to really work but also to get excited about doing nothing over the weekend. Even in college, Thursdays were the beginning of the weekend. Autumn and I had our Thursday ritual for quite awhile. We would drink beer at Jazz, a restraunt/bar that had live jazz music. Eventually, Autumn would have had enough to drink so that I could convince her to go to the dance club with me. (She would never let me drag here there if she were sober.) We would go to Liquid 2000 because it was free on Thursdays, the drinks were cheap, and that's where EVERYONE went on Thursday night. In a little town like Lubbock, it's important to go to the popular places on the popular nights unless you want to be dancing alone. This Thursday night ritual went on for a long time until one night Jazz sucked. So we went to Liquid early. Liquid sucked so we tried a new bar called Clousseau's. Clousseau's wasn't that new but it was new to us. It was the snotty bar where people dressed up and drank martinis. I practically had to drag Autumn kicking and screaming into the bar with me. Then something crazy happened. We LOVED it. Suddenly our Thursday ritual turned into going to Clousseau's ALL the time! Every once in awhile I would mix it up by sneaking off to Liquid by myself to dance a bit but I always ended back up at Clousseau's. Then before we knew how it happened or even had time to look up from our constant drunken state in our personalized bar stools, Clousseau's was our only ritual...our home away from home. I miss that. And I don't.

Torment

God, do I know how this feels!

When will the torment be over?

Speaker Phone

I'm thinking very seriously about buying a headset for the guy on the other side of the cubicle from me. I'm so sick of listening to his conference calls. I understand the need to use speaker phone from time to time. However, when you have a conference call every other day, it's time to get a headset.

Quote of the Day

"We can’t stop all suffering, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t stop any. In today’s world of virtually unlimited choices, there are usually "kinder, gentler" ways for most of us to feed, clothe, entertain, and educate ourselves than by killing animals."

sent by Kris Wiley

Ex

I'll be damned. Why can't my ex just get out of my life and stay out?

He sent me a link to his web pages that have pictures of Bangkok. I should have known better than to look, but I figured it was just pictures. Then I made the mistake of clicking on one of them...hoping to make it bigger. It didn't. Instead I got his remarks page. It wasn't until I got to the bottom that I freaked out. Why is he referring to me?! God DAMNIT! Why do I have to get all bent out of shape about this?! I don't want to continue wanting him like this. I don't want to keep wondering if he wants me back. I want it to be over. But at the same time I don't want it to be over and I don't want him to stop thinking about me. I'm glad he mentioned me and am making it a WAY bigger deal than I should be. It was just a reference to my name for goodness sakes. We've talked a number of times about what a good name I have. I'm just lucky like that. So maybe that's all he's referring to. Probably. I should just forget about it and quit thinking about him. We are so, so far apart right now. Physically, he's on the other side of the world. And emotionally, we're as far apart as the stars.

I need a cigarette. Since I don't have any I'm off to the store. Maybe by the time I get back I won't have anything else to say about John. Somehow I doubt it.

Parasites are Gross!

I think Tiger has intestinal parasites. So I decided to do some research today. I found a lot of informative pages on worms in dogs, ways to treat them, and medicines that will prevent worms. But I also found an interesting image.

And why did this page show up in my search of worms?!

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Obedience School

Tiger did GREAT in obedience school tonight. I just wanted to brag. He's heeling and standing when I ask. He's giving me his attention when other dogs are around. He's calm when I someone walks up even with a dog. It's exciting to have a well behaved dog! Good Dog School is WONDERFUL!! Now we just need to work on getting him to lay down outside. (He doesn't like the cold concrete.)

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Coolstop 2001

Coolstop 2001

This is a great portal for art pages. If you've got some extra time and want to actually look at something good, start there.

Dreary Monday Outside / Pleasant Monday Inside

I just had the greatest weekend! It was very productive as well as spent with good friends. Plus, I had lots of fun in the process!

Saturday morning, I was so proud of Tiger because he actually woke me up in order to be let outside. Usually I'm the one waking him up (Monday through Friday at least) but since I went dancing Friday night, I slept late. It's nice to know Tiger has figured out our living situation. After letting Tiger out, I got back in bed and spent the better part of the morning there. It was perfect. When I got up, everyone was gone (which is VERY unusual) so I got the whole house to myself! I revelled in the peace and quiet of an empty house.

Since Jason and I had plans to finish building my computer on Saturday, I called him around noon. I expected him to be anxious and asking where I was but instead I found him sound asleep. Jason's so cute when he's asleep and he answers the phone. Monday through Friday he tries to sound awake and professional since he never knows who's going to call. But I always know when I wake him up.

Tiger and I got ourselves together and started out on the 45 minute trek to Jason's house. One of my sisters made a very good point the other day...if you have to drive farther than 15 minutes, it's a long distance relationship. It's a good thing this one is working out better than my last. When we finally arrived, Jason and I took Tiger for a walk. It was gorgeous outside. Since we both felt rather lazy, we watched Office Space before getting to work. (Which, by the way, is a very funny movie if you work in an office...especially in some computer-related industry.) After the movie, we tok off to eat. Jason figured we needed sustinance in order to make it through building a computer. He probably just needed the energy to put up with teaching me! At the restraunt we gazed longingly at the green beer but held ourselves back. Ok, we didn't really gaze longingly, I mean, green beer just looks crazy - "moldy" as Jason put it. But there was a whole bar full of men drinking it. Again, I ask...where are the women?

When we got back home, Jason's friend, Mike Marsh was coming down the stairs. Mike just moved to Austin to work at Zebra Imaging, a company that does 3D holograms, so it was a surprise to see him in Dallas. Mike's job seems good, but the company is not exactly using his skills just yet. From what I hear, he's writing some of the best policies ever. For example, the policy on policy writing. God, I wish I could have that job! So we hung out with Mike who is the most sarcastic person ever. Which kindof explains why Jason and Mike are such good friends. That and the brotherly bond of computer obession. (I think I saw Mike get a hard-on when he got his lap-top out...though, I won't say I blame him. Apparently it's a great machine.) Hopefully I'll get to spend more time with Mike in the future...maybe this weekend if we end up going to Austin.

So Jason and I finally sat down to work on my machine. Well, we didn't exactly sit down because Jason only has one office chair and it's more like a recliner than an office chair. Years of sitting back in it with a keyboard in his lap has completely ruined that chair for anyone who ever hopes to sit up straight at a desk. Of course, Jason thinks it's the best piece of furniture in the whole apartment (other than the bed). Since Jason ordered a new processor for me, that's where we started. Jason and Mike offered completely useless advice while I nervously put the proc in. There's nothing quite like holding a $200+ object in your hands and know that if you touch one of those little gold prongs you could ruin it completely. Luckily I didn't.

Instead of telling you step by step what I did in my machine, and put most of you to sleep, I will skip ahead to say we got it running. Again, I have to commend Jason's teaching skills. He's the best teacher for technology I've ever had (except for the molesting, which is a completely new part of the learning process for me). Jason isn't such a geek that he can't explain it. He's able to make all the technical stuff easy to understand and remember. He's just a great teacher who has taught me tons and tons already. I was SO excited when Windows loaded up for the first time! I never knew a desktop could be so exciting. There was a real sense of accomplishment for me. And of course, shortly after we got the machine running, I realized what a bad-ass processor Jason picked out for me! (Penium III, 880mHz - which until yesterday didn't mean a thing to me.) We decided to celebrate our achievements by going to bed early. Yes, I know, going to bed before 11pm on a Saturday night is lame. I am lame.

The ironic part of getting my machine going didn't hit until the next morning when Jason's machine wouldn't work. He had a dreaded O/S failure! So we stayed around at his house that morning trying to fix that. Well, Jason tried to fix it while I watched since I know next to nothing about operating systems (other than it really sucks when they don't work). We thought we fixed it so we packed up Tiger and my machine and drove to Arlington where we had an unexpected lunch with the family (yumm...spagetti).

After lunch, I succeeded in getting Jason to help me install cable! This is amazing since Jason once told me that "he never does it." I guess Jason made an exception for me since I'm so cute. We ran a line from the hub in the office into my bedroom so I can network to the other computers as well as get internet access through the cable modem. Though Jason and I could have done all the work by ourselves, and he knew it, Dad ended up helping. He loves to do this kind of thing and couldn't just leave it to us. I always enjoy working around the house with Dad and it was so fun yelling through the ceiling at each other. Everything was pretty easy including rummaging around in the attic. And of course, since I'm the smallest, I was the one who got to climb through all the dust (while breathing fiberglass particles) to get behind the furnace and run the cable into the office. Getting it into my room was easy since there was flooring close to the hole. Then Jason showed me how to attach the RJ-45 modular plugs to the end of the cable (category 5) which is used for networking. (Jason, you'll be happy to know I remember that RJ-11 plugs are the kind used on telephone cords.) Can't you tell that I'm just brimming with new information?! It's so exciting to learn all these new things!

When we first plugged everything in, we had a bad connection or some sort of interference. I had no idea what it was. Dad was stumped. Jason goes into the office and comes back saying "it's fixed." God, don't you hate know-it-alls?! The funny part was Jason just switched plugs in the hub. I could have done that!

We spent the rest of the afternoon putting the rooms back together and Jason set some things up on my machine. He was all excited about the speed of our connection. How could he not be? He's been dialing in at 56K for two months now. Poor, poor boy, telephone companies hate him. But my whole point of that is not that you feel sorry for Jason. You should actually be feeling sorry for me, because the first hour my new computer was connected at my house, I wasn't even able to touch it! Jason hogged it the whole time!!

Before I even had a chance to sit down, we had to rush off to a meeting about the cruise I'm going on in May. Then I took Jason back to Dallas, ate dinner, and drove back to my house just in time to go to bed. My computer, which doesn't have a name as of yet but is deinitely female, was calling to me all night long. I had to use major restraint not to stay up all night long and play with her. Of course, now the day is dragging by because all I want to do is go home.

St. Patricks Day

Last night I had dinner with Susie Harrison, my friend who teaches high school art in Fort Worth. She and I haven't gotten together in at least a month so it was nice to catch up. I've been saying that I need more women in my life and Susie really filled that need last night. There's just something different about the way women communicate.

Later in the evening, I went dancing in Dallas with my sister, Karen, and a bunch of her friends. I didn't feel like going at first but I really wanted to spend some time with Karen. So I dragged myself out and am so glad I did! We just danced an hung out. Soul II Soul had great music and the people were very cool. I only got hit on once (which was flattering because it has been so long but I'm so not interested) because most everyone was just having a good time instead of checking each other out. Karen's friends were great too. I enjoyed them much more this time than the last time I met them. (I think I was in a horrible mood the last time which was most of the problem.) I spent most of the evening talking to Karen's friend, Adam, who was up from Houston. I think I have a little crush but it's harmless. Adam was just being very nice to me which is all I probably should take it to be. I gave him my email so maybe I'll have another long distance friend...the story of my life.

Slept really late today but it felt good. Now I'm going to get in the shower and start the day officially. Shit, it's already noon!

Oh yeah, happy Saint Patrick's Day! Guess what, I'm not going to go drink green beer by myself...I'm going to go hang out with Jason and do geeky stuff.

Comments

Mary

"Though I like to defer to a man's preferences a lot when I want to, I'm looking for a chivalrous man who'll defer to me when I need him to, a man who'll see me as the ultimate authority in our relationship. " Mary

Mary has a very interesting idea of a relationship. The woman is the "ultimate authority." Maybe I'll follow her example and start demanding really idiotic things from men...like "ultimate authority." And then I could demand gifts from men when they visit me...just to show me they want to support me someday. Then I'll demand they do what I want and basically treat them like children. Why don't we make up for all the years of sexism by reversing the power roles but still expecting monetary support?

I will repeat myself again...How is it possible that some people find a mate?

Pisces

Try not to be too emotional, and romance will not prove a problem.

This is a clip from my horoscope. Who wrote this? And do they know anything about Pisces?!

Links

A truly beautiful person.

Someone give this girl a computer!

Feeling Better

I was right last night. I knew I'd feel better this morning. However I wore myself out last night being so upset. I'm tired now. Thank goodness it's Friday. I'm looking forward to a very relaxing weekend.

Have I turned into the person who says they're going to call but never does? Yesterday I told Jason I would call him later in the evening. Then I never did. I honestly intended to but when I got all upset after Autum left I didn't want to dump on him. I know, I know friends are there to dump on, but I'm just not comfortable doing that all the time. So instead I'll just dump publicly. That way, whomever wants to listen can and if they don't want to, they don't have to.

I wonder why it takes so much trust to tell other people how we really feel.

Sad

Tonight I'm sad. Autumn just left to go back to Austin and again I'm without my best friend. We made the mistake of getting out the photo albums just before she left. Photos are wonderful and I'm so glad I have them in my life. I probably have all of my photos memorized by now but it never gets old looking at them. Looking at them with Autumn is the best because we did so much of that stuff together. We laughed at how much we've changed just in two years. It's amazing how much growing up we've done. (Scary actually.) College was definitely the best time of my life. Practically being married to Autumn was the best thing that could ever have happened to me. I don't know who decided I deserved to have her in my life but they sure blessed me. She only left an hour ago and I am already wanting her back. Makes me want to move to Austin...bad.

Grandma is in the other room watching something on TV with country music. That's not like her at all. Maybe we really do get senile in our old age.

Saturday is Saint Patrick's Day. I'm not Irish so it's no big deal. It's significant because last year I spent it with John. I was on spring break in Milwaukee visiting him. The big tradition at Marquette University is to go to Murphy's Pub in the morning to drink beer. This bar opens up at 7am on St. Patti's Day. Now, I'm not much of a beer drinker so this idea doesn't appeal too much to me. But I had to hang with the boys so I agree to go. I think someone buzzed John's apartment at ten 'til 5 in the morning. We crawled out of bed and put on as many layers of clothing we could find. Then we went downstairs and stood in line (in the snow) until 7am when they opened the bar. It was CRAZY! We were actually near the front of the line but we certainly weren't the first people there. And John lived on the same block so all we had to do was go downstairs! The line went all the way around the building. People were in rare form that morning. We finally got in the bar and everyone drank their own pitcher of green beer. Yes, believe it or not, even I drank a whole pitcher of green beer. I was too tired to even care. After my required beer, a free t-shirt, and tons of photos, I went back to bed in John's apartment (which was actually more like a closet but that's a different story). Poor John actually went to class that day - after drinking at 7am! Milwaukee was crazy all day long. I heard about people being drunk at work. And I actually saw a drunken brawl in the street that afternoon. A whole city of drunks isn't a good idea. But it was a fun day. It was fun to be crazy with John and his silly frat brothers. (I say that with humor because it was an engineering frat which only sortof counts.) It feels like things have changed so much now and it's only been a year. I'm sad. I will always be sad when I think of Milwaukee and St. Patrick's Day.

I think I'll go out and drink green beer by myself on Saturday to celebrate nothing.

I think I'll go to bed now and cry myself to sleep. Everything will feel better in the morning...it always does.

Birthday Dinner

Isn't it great to start the morning with a cup of coffee? I actually think that it's the thing I like best about starting work so early. And the fact that it's quiet in the office this early in the morning.

Last night's birthday dinner was great! There were SO many people in our house! But it was fun. I think everyone enjoyed themselves even though it was a little bit uncomfortable. You know, that whole "we don't know each other but we're supposed to be comfortable" thing just doesn't work. Everyone made a wonderful effort and I don't think it was unbearable discomfort or anything. Mom and Dad made a fabulous dinner! We finished off with cheesecake which I've been wanting for days! Dad was cute enough to put a candle on the cake. I don't even remember what I wished for. When was the last time a birthday wish came true anyhow? How about a clock wish? Those NEVER come true. Everyone respected my request for a birthday without singing...thank goodness. I just hate the birthday song and no one ever sounds good singing it. I guess it was ok as a kid but now it's just annoying. Mostly it was just lots of fun to hang out with everyone. The best was having Autumn there.

So Autumn is still at home and I hope she'll be there when I get home. I can imagine she's sleeping soundly right now. Of course that's assuming my parents' didn't accidentally wake her up. She cut and dyed her hair and it looks great! Autumn looks very hip these days. I feel like I should do something to my hair to keep up. She was disgruntled yesterday that Ky hasn't called her in a few days. He's travelling between job sites right now so maybe he just hasn't had the opportunity to call. But I understand the frustration. When you have a long distance relationship and all you have is the phone, it's hard not to be upset about not getting a phone call. I was thinking about John and what a crazy, long distance relationship that was. I don't miss it. And I won't ever do it again. Not like that. Not like my life is going to end if he doesn't call every night. Not like I start wondering where he is. Not like feeling guilty for going out instead of waiting for his call. There were a lot of negative things about that relationship that I just couldn't see until it was over. Mostly the fact that I became so dependant on John.

I don't ever want to be dependant on anyone ever again...the only person who won't let you down is yourself.

This week has been flying by. I think because it's spring break for a lot of people, time just speeds up (even for the rest of us who aren't on spring break). I thought I'd miss all the breaks you get when you're teaching now that I'm in Corporate American and only get 2 weeks. But so far I don't. I'm so much happier with my job now that I don't desperately need breaks like I did when I was teaching. Funny how that works. I think summer break is for the teachers not for the students. By the time summer is over, teachers are thinking that maybe it's not so bad and they're willing to sign a contract for another year. By the end of the year, they're wondering what they were thinking but then they get summer break again. It's a vicious cycle.

I don't miss public school at all but I do miss being around kids. Robin Germany, my prof at Tech, was telling me about a group of women who do computer training for girls called WebGurls (or something like that). I need to look into it because I would love to share some of my computer knowledge/love with girls. They need to realize that it's not as hard as it seems. We need more women in the corporate world. I know way too many women who go to school to be teachers because that's more or less all they know since they had female teachers all their lives. Shit, that's what I did without even realizing it. I guess it was my junior year in college when I took a women's studies class that I finally realized that a lot of things I did were based on my gender. It hit me hard because I always thought I was so strong and independent despite the fact I was female. Now I'm better adjusted to being a woman and actually embrace it rather than trying to be more masculine. Actually, just yesterday, Jason and I had a conversation about me being more girly than I'd like to admit. It's all too true. But it's ok. I like me.

On the way to work this morning I listened to one of the best CD's ever. Jazzmatazz by Guru. Autumn's had it forever but I never got a copy. When we lived together we listened to it all the time. It's a collaborative project by a whole bunch of artists mixing Jazz and Hip Hop. The reason I like this album so much is that Guru (Gifted Unlimited Rhymes Universal) doesn't rap about meaningless things. He sings about social issues that make you think. That's the kind of hip hop I want to listen to. Autumn brought me a copy of it yesterday and it made my day!

Hump Day Already!

I got to work this morning and my badge wouldn't work...again. It's so frustrating to get up so early and then get to work only to find you can't get in the building. There's just no reason this should be happening. I want to come to work and do my job.

I'm feeling a bit better now that I've had a cup of coffee and did some work. It's quiet this morning which is good. Makes me sleepy but it's good.

Tonight is going to be interesting. We're going to have 12-13 people in my house tonight for dinner. Wow, do we even have that many places for people to sit? And who is going to sit at which tables since we can't all sit at the same table? Guess we'll just see what happens. I'm so excited Autumn is coming. I haven't seen her in a month and that's just WAY too long for us to be apart.

I hate that my closest friends live in other places. Summer Howard, whose title is "best friend from high school," lives in Seattle. And Autumn, whose title is "best friend from college," lives in Austin. I haven't made friends with a female here and it makes me sad. I have my sisters so maybe I should just rely on them a little bit more. Summer is hopefully coming to visit in May! Since she's getting married in August we've got to have a wedding shower before then. At least Summer's family is in the Dallas area, as is her fiance's family. So it works out well. I'm looking forward to planning a big party! There's just a hostess in me that is dying to get out.

So much for the quiet in the office. Someone's on speaker phone. Speaker phone and cubicles just don't go together. It should be illegal.

Pictures of John

So I'm looking at the picture John sent today. It's of him with a group of friends at dinner. I was looking at all these totally cute women wondering which one is his girlfriend. Or at least which one he's interested in. Maybe it's the other way around. Then it occurs to me that all the men are on one side of the table and all the women are on the other side. Just like high school! I can't help but laugh at the ridiculousness of me trying to gleam some sort of information from a photograph! And it's a group of people with John! That probably means they're all as dorky as he is! What am I worried about?

Really, I'm just sad. I want to convince myself that John still has feelings for me deep down. He has no idea what a great couple we were. Sure I got a bit stifling but people can change. This time apart has been good and I want him back. I know, it's pathetic. What happened to my rule about never going back? When it's over, it's over for a reason. But he has no idea how right it was for us. It's scary and ridiculous and irrational but I still believe, after 10 months, that John and I belong together. I just won't do anything about it. Maybe this is something I'll regret the rest of my life. So be it. I hope it's something he regrets.

Autumn's Visit

Autumn is coming to visit tomorrow!!! I'm so excited to see her again. She's on spring break and is going take some time out to visit. She'll be here for my big birthday dinner.

Tomorrow night is the dinner. It will be my family, Jason's family, Kris, and Autumn. It's going to be interesting to say the least.My grandmother was giving me hell today about Jason and how "serious" we're getting. Unless someone else in control of my relationships, I didn't think it was getting all that serious. I just like Jason and his family. They happen to be in town so we'er going to hang out. It's not a big deal...unless you 89 years old.

Now that all these people are coming over I'd better get the house cleaned up. The last thing I want to be doing is cleaning house when Autumn is here. God, aren't best friends the best?! If only she would move to Dallas. And she's thinking if only I would move to Austin.

Ex email, Work Crap, Tiger Training

The ex-boyfriend wrote again. This time he sent a story that he wrote about Bangkok. It's interesting but certainly not the best thing he's ever written. I'm just not sure how to feel about him writing me from time to time. I thought he wanted me completely out of his life which is why I didn' move to Milwaukee. I know it's only email but it's a form of communication. Interestingly enough I was thinking about him this morning during my commute. There was a time I would have died for John to be writing me. I desperately wanted him back in my life. Now, I actually resent him for contacting me. I know he's coming back to the States in May and I'm hoping that he won't be coming to Dallas. I don't want to figure out how we can be friends. It still hurts too much. It's easier to just pretend he's not there and that he never was.

I hate getting dragged into the middle of work bullshit. I got a call this morning about an issue that came up yesterday. We had a new release of our tool go out (it's web-based) and one of the fixes didn't make it. Why? I have no idea. But I do know it is not my group's fault that it didn't go out. We have NO control over the code. However, the development group is trying to blame us because we were doing the testing. The crazy thing about that is we're not even technically responsible for the testing. We were just helping them out! Why can't people just admit they screwed up?

I took Tiger to obedience school last night. Poor thing was exhausted when we got home. He's pretty nervous around all those dogs and people. Plus, we're still trying to learn how to communicate with each other. (I'm trying to tell him what I want and he's trying to understand me.) I think I need to make it more fun for him. I think I need to make it more fun for me. It's only dog training, right? I'm just too much of a perfectionist sometimes...when am I going to get over this?

Internet is Full of Ugly, Fat Men...in my Mind

It occured to me the other day that whenever I read something that someone wrote on the internet, I automatically picture an ugly, fat guy. This is definately an improvement from my childish imagination in which I thought every guy on the internet looked like Leonardo DeCaprio.

Birthday Weeeknd

It's Monday and I'm tired. Stayed up too late last night talking with my parents about the weekend. It was good to see them. It was the best seeing Tiger and sleeping in my own bed last night!

The weekend was great. Friday afternoon, before Jason and I set off on our 5 hour drive for Lubbock, we exchanged birthday presents. I got Jason a framed print of The Kiss by Gustav Klimpt. I also got him a silly monitor frame and an animae figurine. He got me a Handspring Visor with an orange face!!! I am thrilled!! I feel like I just entered the realm of cool. I am technologically up to date. (Thanks to Jason.)

After the presents and kisses, we started our journey. Nothing too eventful which is a good thing on a car trip. I really enjoyed seeing the way the countryside changes from Dallas to Lubbock. Since college, I've only been back to Lubbock twice and both times I flew. So this was a neat chance to bask in the flatness of West Texas. It was gorgeous! I had forgotten how much I loved that drive. How could I not? I did it a thousand times in college.

Friday night we went to Tricia Earl's MFA show. It was fabulous! Her work looked great and there was a nice turn out. It was so much fun for me to see old friends. I guess I hadn't seen the majority of my art department friends in the past 2 years. People were having a hard time recognizing me since the last time they saw me I was bleach blonde. But everyone remembered and we were able to catch up. The highlight of the evening was talking wiht Dr. Ed Check, an art education professor at Tech. Ed is responsible for so much of the learning I did in college. He had a rather unconventional teaching style and understood that school is all about ideas. Ed opened me up to so many ideas about the world that I know without him, I would never be the person that I am now. I feel very strongly about this and it was a pleasure being able to share this with Ed. Teachers never get enough appreciation and Ed will probably never understand all that he's done for me. I talked to lots of old friends at the show and caught up on all the Lubbock gossip. I didn't catch too much shit about not producing art right now. (Though artists are notorious for ragging on those of us who aren't producing.) I think people understand that when you're in school you're living an ideal lifestyle for producing art but it just isn't that easy in the "real world."

Being around all these motivated artists and good friends made me want to move back to Lubbock. The community there is something else. But I'm afraid I would be chasing something that I once had and you usually can't get those things back. Also, I'm falling in love with technology and I don't think Lubbock could satisfy me in that way. I guess I'll just have to melt both worlds and start making art here in Dallas.

After the show, Jason and I went to my old haunt, Clousseau's. It was good to be back there and sit in my old barstool. The last time I was at Clousseau's I passionately missed the life I had there and desperately wanted it back. This time I was just content to visit and am pleased to be a different person now, who is through with that lifestyle. The one thing I do miss is all the hours Autumn and I spent together. At least we've still got the memories.

Saturday morning Jason made me breakfast (isn't he sweet?) and we sat around the kitchen table with his family. Jason's family is awesome and they were quick to make me feel comfortable. We had a great time getting to know each other.

Saturday afternoon I hung out with Robin Germany, my former professor and now friend. Robin brought her daughter, Rorie, who I haven't seen since this summer. Rorie's so big! She has teeth and is crawling! I guess those things happen when children have been in the world for a year. God how time flies! There's nothing quite like children to make you feel old. Robin and I had a wonderful time catching up. I'm so thankful for friends that stay friends no matter how much time passes in between visits.

After my visit with Robin, I met Jason and his family for dinner. The food was great, as was the company, but I really enjoyed the peacocks who were loose on the grounds. The mix of colors on peacocks is so amazing! I guess I'd never taken the time to notice before. The mix of browns and bright blues and greens. I can honestly say I wouldn't have thought of those colors mixing well but nature is so perfect.

After dinner, Jason and I skipped the movies with the family in order to sightsee around Lubbock. We got to see the most incredible sunset. If you've never seen a West Texas sunset, you're really missing out. There's just nothing else like them and it warmed my soul to have such a beautiful one during our visit. Jason and I more or less randomly drove around town telling stories about our times there. We drove by all our old apartments/houses remembering good and bad times. We drove by places of work. We discussed Lubbock and friends there. Mostly we just told stories since we have so much in common with this town and yet didn't know each other while living there. The coincidences we found were amazing. But there really are no coincidences, are there? It was a fabulous way to spend the evening.

Sunday Jason and I met Tricia and Dianne for breakfast since I hadn't had enough time to catch up with Trish at her show. Despite the horrible service (the manager wouldn't even come to my table to talk to me!), it was a good time to catch up. Then Jason and I spent a couple more hours with his family before picking up Kris Wiley and driving back to Dallas. The drive back was uneventful (thank god) and here I am at work the next day.

I know this summary isn't particularly interesting but I just don't have the energy right now to go into specifics. So this will have to do until I get some energy.

Going to lunch today with some co-workers to celebrate my birthday. Isn't it nice to celebrate something as silly as the day your were born? It's not like we remember it or anything. I guess I should make a point to thank my mother for all the physical strain she must have gone through to give birth to me. Life is a wonderful thing.

Birthday

Just got back from my weekend in Lubbock. It was GREAT! I'll go into details tomorrow if time allows. It's good to be home.

Today is my 24th BIRTHDAY! I know I don't look old enough...

Coffee

I just got my coffee and I'm feeling MUCH better.

Broken Badge

This morning hasn't started out too well. I got into the building just fine but then my badge wouldn't work to get onto my floor. Since I didn't know the number for security offhand I had to go into the building across the courtyard to find security. Of course no one was there. So I got on the security phone and talked to someone who said they would send someone up to meet me. I waited for about 15 minutes and no one showed up. Then I heard another door clicking and it opened itself. So I let myself in (30 minutes late) and started to work. After I got the system tested, I set out to make coffee only to find, we don't have any! I'm going through withdrawl as I write this. I'm going to have to wait a whole 30 minutes for the cafeteria to open before I can get coffee! This is just not a good morning.

On the up-side of things, I'm taking a half day so it will be a short crappy day. Can you believe my half day is over at 9:30am?! Yeah, I know...I'm the luckiest girl in the world!

Quote of the Day

"I have a reverse hand-me-down thing going with them when it comes to technology."
-Dave, when his parents told him they wanted to buy his computer

Confessions of a Packing Procrastinator

I'm a packing procrastinator. I'm going out of town tomorrow and I just can't make myself pack. I keep thinking about it and even go in my room. But there's always something to distract me. (Like shoes.) I just don't want to do it!!! Maybe I'll just do what I usually do which is wait until the last minute and throw stuff together. It's not like it's that big of a deal. Grab some clothes and some clean underwear and a couple pairs of shoes. Guess I can do it tomorrow right before I leave. It will only take 15 minutes...yeah, right.

40 Pairs

I own 40 pairs of shoes. Give or take a couple pairs of flip-flops which aren't really shoes but I wear them anyway. Is this enough to be considered an obsession? Fetish? Typically female?

Mates

How is it possible that some people find a mate? I look at my coworker (the one I can barely stand) and can't fathom why any woman could possibly want to be with him. He's rude, sarcastic (in a completely unfunny way), loud, acts like he knows everything, and just plain disgusting. His personal habits are horrible. His personality is even worse! What could she possibly see in him? But then again, I've never met her so maybe they make a perfect couple. Maybe she's a lot worse than him. Maybe she's deaf and blind. Maybe he just gives her lots of money and she puts up with all his crap with the hope he'll die soon.

It's kind of horrible that I'm writing these things but no more horrible than me thinking them.

24 Years Young

I'm going to be 24 years old on Sunday. I have a college degree. I have a full time job. I take care of myself.

So why is my grandmother still sending me money on my birthday?

Quote of the Day

"Cherry ice cream smile."

Moon, Dave, Tricia

The moon has been so gorgeous the past two mornings. Yesterday it was HUGE. All I could think about was it looked like a moon in Star Wars. Right before I got to work, this HUGE moon was right above the horizon and it was red. I wish I could explain the depth of this red. It was so beautiful. Beautiful enough to make me thank a god I don't believe in. I felt like that red moon was just for me. Some sort of sign to remind me that there still is beauty in the world. This morning it wasn't quite as big but so bright. It surprised me as I left the house and saw it shining a bright white through the clouds. The craters look like stubble on a man who stayed up all night long. He hid behind clouds most of the drive to work but peeked out just before I went inside. (Interesting that the moon is male to me yet it's female in Spanish.) Again I felt it was like my own perosnal sign. Something to make me smile and remember that the world is inherently a good place. Life, energy is good.

I was talking with Dave about art last night. Nothing too serious or life changing but it made me realize that I need to make art again. I've come to the point that I don't care if I sell it or if people like it or even if people see it. I just know that I need to make it...for me. Writing is kindof the same thing but not as physical as making art. I need to get my hands in some clay. It cleanses the soul. It will be good to go see Tricia's show this weekend. I know her work will inspire me. I know being around my artist friends will inspire me. I miss Lubbock and the life I had there. Why must all good things come to an end?

Tricia Earl is a graduate student at Texas Tech University. She started there when I was an undergraduate. Since Lubbock is such a small place we knew each other and hung out some. Tricia is a photographer mostly working in black and white. She comes from a more rural area around San Antonio which influenced her work quite a bit at first. Her work forcused on things that I felt related to Texas...mostly people but also livestock, cowboys, redneck bars, etc. It sounds cheesy but it wasn't. After I finished school and left Lubbock (to teach in Houston) we didn't see each other nor communicate. But last summer we both attended Texas Tech in Junction for graduate classes. Since we were pretty much the youngest people there (though Tricia is a good 8-10 years older than me) and definately had the most in common we hung out a lot. Tricia is an amazing woman. The three/four weeks we spent together this summer allowed us to realy grow a friendship. Tricia has changed so much in the few years that I've known her. Albeit I didn't know her very well most of that time, but I think it somehow gives me a little bit better perspective. She has accepted things about herself, who she is, and where her life is going. She is passionate about what she does and isn't afraid to talk about it. I think Tricia's openness and honesty with me while we were in Junction was really what strikes me about her. She wasn't afraid to tell me things knowing we aren't going to be best friends forever nor worrying about it. I too often weigh the relationship and think about the future of the relationship so I won't enter into it wholeheartedly if I do't think it's going to last. But you know what, fuck that! Life is about what's going on right now. People come into your life at specific times because you need them or they need you. I shouldn't fight it but rather rejoice in it. The late nights Tricia and I had in Junction talking underneath the stars was amazing. And amazing times like that don't happen that often in life so you've got to grab it while you can. On a wall in my room, I have a picture Tricia took in Junction. We went to the oldest cemetary in the town for a book I was working on. She used my shadow in the picture. A couple days later she gave me a copy in thanks for the use of my shadow. I was touched. Such a little thing from me but such a big thing to her. That photo is so special because it is a token of that time. Tricia's work as it has evolved is about the spiritual part of our world that we so often overlook. She wants her photographs to remind us that there's something more there. To do this, Tricia uses a lot of blurred images and shadows. She has also done a lot of diptychs or triptychs to demonstrate movement or change. They are all beautiful and have a very mysterious way about them. I can't wait to see her show tomorrow night and to visit with a very special friend.

Quote of the Day

"VERY creepy...
Drives slowly past elementary schools with shifty eyes creepy.
Dramatic swelling horror movie music when I enter a room creepy."

Power Outage

Jason doesn't like me calling him a pig. He said I'm grounded. Grounded from what? Work?

"Oh, no I don't make me stay home from work!"

Holly, my coworker, and I have been reading about cashews. I'm not really sure how we got on the subject of nuts. Obviously we're bored out of our minds if we're reading about cashews. Doesn't somebody have a job that I can actually work at?

This morning we had a power outage. It was the weirdest thing because all of a sudden it was completely quiet in the office. Then it was like one huge group gasp. We're such robots that we go into shock when the power goes out. It's pathetic. I'm just glad I don't live in California where they really have power problems. But the quiet was really nice. The air conditioning wasn't blowing, the computes weren't on, and everyone was off the phone. Peaceful...for about half a second.

Voicemail

Don't you just hate it when you call someone and the phone just rings and rings? Get voicemail...it's 2001 for goodness sake!

Quote of the Day

Jason is such a pig. Direct quote from yesterday...

"Of course he makes more money than you, he's a man."

$77 Million

I bought a lottery ticket last night. The drawing for the Texas lottery is tonight. And the estimated jackpot is $77 million. Holy shit that's a lot of money. I don't usually play the lottery but this amount caught my eye so I thought why not. I actually had a blast thinking about all the things I would do with all that money. I used to say I wouldn't quit working if I won the lottery, but I've changed my mind. I would DEFINITELY quit this job. I would start off the mad spending spree by getting a whole new wardrobe. I just love clothes and would love to go completely out of control in a mall. Then I would buy plane tickets to visit all my friends around the nation. It would be especially fun to drop in on really old friends that I don't keep up with anymore. You know, just stop by for a day or even just an evening to see what they're doing. I think after I got done with this spree, I would visit a financial planner. She'd help me invest the money and set myself up to live comfortably (not lavishly but comfortably) for the rest of my life. Then I'd get a job again and life would go on like normal. Oh, one more thing, I would definitley buy a flat screen monitor for the computer Jason and I are building!

What would you do with $77 million?

Hump Day

It's already Wednesday morning. I don't know why, but I woke up this morning completely hating my job. It took all kinds of self-control to get out of bed this morning. But here I am at work at 6am. Really, it's not so bad. I'm just frustrated with my job. I'm smarter than this and I'd like to work somewhere I'd be challenged. So study, study I must in order to make myself look better for something else. Sometimes I wonder if I should just go back to teaching, but then that doesn't excite me either. When I was teaching, it was a billion times harder to get out of bed. And that was EVERY single day. Nope, don't want to go back to that feeling. All my life I've been quite good at planning things out and knowing where I was going and suddenly it seems I don't know what the plan is anymore. Well, not suddenly...this all started in June but that's a whole other story I don't feel like dwelling on today.

So it's Wednesday. Hopefully Thursday and Friday will come quickly because Jason and I are going out of town. Believe it or not, I'm going to meet his parents. My family keeps making this big deal out of this but it's not. Jason has met my family. Of course everyone says it's not the same since I live with Mom and Dad but it's not all that much different. We're going to Lubbock to see Trisha Earl's MFA show and we'll just happen to see his family at the same time. Apparently his mother implied we can sleep in the same bed. Weird. Not because we're not adults and can't behave ourselves, but because my parents would DIE before they ever offered the same bed to me and a guy. I wonder what my parents are going to do when I'm like 45 and still not married. They'll still insist that my boyfriend (or girlfriend) and I sleep in seperate beds? Probably.

It would be so peaceful here in the mornings if the air conditioner/heater wasn't blowing so loudly.

I went to a class at DCI last night so I didn't get home until late. Poor Tiger was so excited to see me. God, isn't that the nicest thing in the world? That someone actually wants you to come home! He was all excited to get my attention then it was like he was suddenly exhausted. He just got in bed and wouldn't move. I followed suit as quickly as possible. But lucky dog, he just gets to stay in bed this morning while I drag myself to work. Working from home would be so nice...

Cute Deskside Support

The cute deskside support guy was around today. Today my manager was saying that she should set me up with him. Bettye apparently thinks we'd make a great couple. She even said something about I could convince him to marry me. What the hell? Why does everyone want me married so badly? My first year out of college I went throught the whole "I want to be married" thing but now I'm content. I actually think my life is 10 billion times simpler than it would be if I was married. But everyone seems to think because I'm young I should do it. Well, I wouldn't mind dating Greg (assuming he actually talks...he's so quiet here) but heaven forbid I give my coworkers something to give me a hard time about. Besides, it's never a good idea to date people you work with.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JASON!!!

I hate the coworker who sits across from me. Well, hate is a strong word. He's just an idiot and he drives me crazy. I'm not quite sure why he works here. It makes me glad to be young and smart. I mean, this job isn't rocket science.

We've got visitors in the office for the week and it's been quite exciting. Everyone is coming and going. There's WAY more conversation than there normally is. It's nice.

Nice. What is that?!

Last night took Tiger to his first obedience class. It went really well. He's a well-behaved dog in general but I'm not a very good handler. So I'm learning how to command him. Tiger was 100 times better behaved than most of the dogs there. Of course it has something to do with him being 5 years old instead of being a puppy. While the other dogs tried to run away or barked or rolled on the ground, Tiger just stood stoically next to me. Ok, maybe not stoically but you get the idea. It was lots of fun but it wore me out. I'm looking forward to taking a nap this afternoon.

School Shooting

I want to cry as I read about yet another high school shooting. This boy must be in so much pain and just doesn't know how to deal with it. It makes me want to go back to teaching, but I don't think I could help. Maybe there's some other way to get involved with high school kids in the community without being an authority figure. It tears me up to think he didn't even care about being caught. He just wanted to lash out. Doesn't this child have anything to live for? He has no idea that all those horrible high school feelings pass. It's possible to grow up and feel good about yourself. I know...I remember how hard junior high and parts of high school was. But I chose a positive outlet which was to write. Maybe it's the difference between being female and male. In general, men want to act and women want to talk. We haven't seen any girls go on a high school shooting spree. What is going on in America today? That kids think killing people is a way to deal with their problems. And it's ALL white kids from suburbia. Obviously something is not working. This "American dream" that people are living out in the suburbs just doesn't work. No wonder people around the world think Americans are crazy. There aren't high school kids anywhere else shooting their peers. Just this "great" country. It is time for some social change. Something needs to be done.

Comments

Love

Just got back from walking the dog.

Ended up picking up Mom from the airport on my way home from work. Isn't it convenient that I drive right past it on the way home? Anyhow, we caught up on each other's lives. Then she and Kristen (my little sis) took their dogs for a walk with Tiger and me. It's a gorgeous day here! If only it could always be like this here. Of course, Mom had to bring up the fact that it's always like this in California. Well, that's fine and good if you want to live with people coming out of your ears and crazy cost of living. Kristen suggested we go, but I'm not moving anytime soon. I'm still getting used to it here.

Kristen broke up with her boyfriend. Hopefully this is the last time. They keep breaking up and getting back together. But I don't think she's happy with him so she needs to move on. Not that I'm a relationship expert.

LOVE
Speaking of which, I was reminded of an experience I had the other day on my way home from work. I was sitting at a stop light, glanced up into the rear view mirror and noticed a couple in the car behind me. They were holding hands but both looked painfully sad. I don't even know if I can explain how sad they looked but it was a deep kind of sadness. It occured to me that at that moment they were what love is all about. It's like it's good to have someone and you want them but it's so painful at the same time. I think that the really good kind of love is overwhelmingly painful.

I tried to explain this to my mother when I got home but she didn't get it. Do you?

The inevitable has happened. I got home and don't want to do anything. So I'm just going to be lazy for awhile...and try not to feel guilty about it.

To Do List

Ends up the new code did go out (just not all of it) so I've been working all day. Fancy that, I'm actually earning my keep today. The best part is my day has flown!!

I'm going home!

Things to do this afternoon:
- walk Tiger
- work on html
- shop for Jason's birthday (assuming I might actually want to leave the house once I get there)
- go to orientation for Tiger's obedience classes
- burn CD's for friends

Like I'm ever going to get all those things done.

Couldn't I have something better to write than this? I must be dry today.

Is it Monday already?!

Doesn't look like the new code went out this weekend at work. But then I don't know for sure what's going on because no one left me a note like I asked. Why couldn't they do something simple like leave a note? Maybe I'm being a bit hard on my coworkers. It's possible they just didn't know the situation when they left for the weekend. The big boss man just called to check on the code and of course I'm the only one here and I don't know anything. Don't you love being in that situation? I hate it when I don't know.

I don't know.

This weekend Jason and I started building me a machine. You have no idea how much I learned about the insides of a computer! I'm so excited. Yes, you'd think I would already know all this stuff but studying art in college didn't prepare me particularly well for the computer industry. Jason is a fabulous teacher (despite not being able to keep his hands off me)! I'm not sure if I'm a very good student but I'm trying. It's weird to be learning stuff that's completely new and doesn't relate very well to any other knowledge that I have. My only question is why aren't motherboards better labeled? If I was going to manufacture motherboards (or any computer parts for that matter) I would just label them. How hard does it need to be?

It's almost time for breakfast, thank god. I'm hungry and didn't bother to grab anything before work. The cafeteria opens in another 10 minutes. We'll see if I can drag my famished body to the elevator and around the corner. He,he,he...I think I'll make it.

My mother gets home today! She's been in Florida visiting her mother since Thursday. It struck me yesterday as I was hanging out with my sisters and father how much I miss her! I'm very excited she'll be back this afternoon.

Dave wrote back. I'll spare him from posting the email. It's nice to be using this medium to talk to interesting people. Since I seldom get out of my little world and talk to complete strangers.

Time for breakfast!!!

Olive Evening Gown

Ironically today I bought an evening gown. It's ironic since I drempt about them last night. However, I did NOT buy a 70's style that would show what little breasts I have. Instead a got a beautiful, olive green, strapless dress which shows what little breasts I have.

Can you tell I have a bit of an issue with breasts?

Here's my theory. All men like big boobs. And why not, I mean, I do. They're gorgeous and women just look so womanly. Over the years I've dated (a lot of) guys who say they like small breasted women. Though nothing has ever happened to make me think them liars (except that they are men), I think they're lying! Obviously our society is obsessed with big boobs so how could they exclude themselves? It makes perfect sense that when they're with me they like small breasts but it's just lip service. Of course all the guys I've told this to think I'm crazy. They assure me they like small breasts (and this group of guys does consist of friends as well as lovers).

........Where was I going with that? I can't even seem to have a logical argument with myself at the moment. It's WAY past my bedtime.

Oh, one last thing. Check out David's weblog. I was entertained all day today with his writings. I couldn't wait to get home this afternoon and see if he posted today. Since I spent my whole day obsessing over him, I sent him an email. OK, I wasn't obsessing but it sure feels like that at times when you read so much about someone you don't know. You MUST know what I'm talking about if you're sitting there reading my blog! So we'll see if he writes back. Even if he doesn't write back, his log is good. Check it out.

I'm going to bed to have sweet dreams like Jason said.

Comments

Bored with only an hour to go.

I've been surfing and here's some fun stuff I found...

"I'm not sure that America is the stupidest country on Earth - it's just that they promote their stupidity so effectively."
Mil's Apology Homepage
(Which actually happens to be some of the funniest stuff I've read in a LONG time...and remember that I surf ALL day.)

Number One Songs
On my birthday - Love Theme From 'A Star is Born' (Evergreen) by Barbra Streisand
Have I ever mentioned I dislike Streisand? But I do like the title!
On Jason's birthday - (Love Is) Thicker Than Water by Andy Gibb
On Autumn's birthday - Tonight's the Night (Gonna Be Alright) by Rod Stewart
On Karens birthday - (Hey Won't You Play) Another Somebody Done Somebody Wrong Song by B. J. Thomas
On Kristen's birthday - Woman In Love by Barbra Streisand
...ok, that's getting stupid.

I was talking with the family the other night about our house being hit by lightening (not actually being hit but experiencing a power surge because of it) and I couldn't help thinking of all the times I've joked about God striking me down with lightening. Of course I didn't say that out loud least my parents think I'm an even bigger heathen than I actually am! It just struck me that maybe this is a warning. Or maybe God's timing and aim are off. I probably shouldn't be joking about lightening from heaven any more or I'm actually going to get it.

I set the security alarm off this morning before I left the house. I was letting Tiger out in the yard and didn't even think about it being on. The back door doesn't warn you like all the other doors, it just goes off. So at 4:45am the security alarm was BLARING. Needless to say, it woke me up in time to drive to work. Poor Dad and Grandma...it woke them up too. But it did have one positive effect. I spoke to my father who is trying to get the "automatic" alarm thing on that door fixed. I was joking about not being able to sneak out (which by the way I've never done) and he told me that I could anyway. Apparently there's a loophole to the alarm system which would make it possible for me to leave the house without setting it off but no one can get into the house without setting it off. (Don't ask...I'm not going into details since too many of you know where I sleep!) Why didn't I know this 6 years ago when sneaking out was actually something I wanted to do?! Now, I'm begging my parents to go to be quiet at 8:30pm so I can get some sleep. There's no way I could stay up late enough to actually sneak out. Then there's always the issue of what would I do when I actually got out? Oh my gosh, I could go drink alcohol! Wait, that's just not all the much fun anymore. I've grown sick of talking to drunk men in bars. Why was that ever amusing in college?

Is everyone in America as unproductive at work as I am? I mean, I just can't believe they pay me what they do for me to just sit here. Of course I take the liberty to entertain myself but who wouldn't? At least I'm not sleeping. The only reason they keep me on full time is there's no way they could find anyone else to get here at 5:30am. What am I CRAZY? Yes, I think I am. But I also kindof feel superior to everyone else since I'm out of bed before any of you even start thinking about it. And my day is over just as you get back from lunch. There's some sort of value instilled in me (don't know from who) that if you get up early you're a good person. I think productivity should go somewhere along with it but that's dropped out of my value system. I just feel good about myself because I get up early. Technically I should feel bad about myself because I'm so unproductive at work. But that's just ridiculous. It's not my fault they employ me for a job that doesn't really need to be done. That's not true, they just don't need 4 of us doing it! I'm not complaining...I like getting paid to play. I just like it best when I get some email during the day to break things up.
(hint, hint)

Ouchy the Clown

Ouchy the Clown
"I have been a practicing clown dom for over two years and am respectful of all limits.
Trust me, I'm a clown."

You know what I hate about one of my co-workers? (And you'll understand if I refrain from naming him.) He's always talking about the way things SHOULD be. Well, fuck me, IBM is NOT a perfect place! But nowhere else is either! So just adjust to the ways things ARE and don't worry about the ways things SHOULD be...unless you're a developer then fix it...but he's not.

Relationships

I drempt about evening gowns. The interesting part is they were all from the 70's with really low cut slits in the front that show practically all your breasts. I was actually asking someone how people get those kinds of dresses to stay on. I think they told me they tape it to their breasts. Wonder if there's any truth to that.

Had a lovely evening with Jason last night. He and I had yet another "relationship talk." I sound like I'm mad we're talking about our relationship but I'm not. It's just weird that we've been dating for a month or so and we're actually talking about "us." Not something I've done much of in the past. Last night is notable because I felt a real sense of calm. It was the first significant calm I've had since we've started dating. Talking last night was definitely theraputic. And my trust in Jason is growing.

Official Dis
The big news of the night is I officially got dissed by my best friend for boy. This is definitely the first time this has happened. Autumn and Ky are going to El Paso this weekend. Not a big deal except that I was supposed to go to Austin to see them. Guess our priorities change as we change. I'm glad Autumn is doing what she wants. That sounds like lipservice, but it's true.

Plus, I should just stay home this weekend and sleep. I'm SO tired. I think it's because Jason kept me up until 4am Friday night. I realize that was a whole week ago but I just haven't been able to catch up. Besides, I like to blame stuff on him.

HILARIOUS relationship link
I actually had to stifle laughter since I'm at work!

Lightening

Last night I had a dream about being in a cell phone store. I'm not entirely sure what I was trying to buy but the guy at t