DTR: Defining the Relationship

Kevin S. sent me the article, Are We Dating Yet, and said it would be interesting to hear my thoughts. This probably stems from having a great conversation at SXSW about dating with Kevin and Tim, in addition to the fact dating is a big part of my life. (Or maybe it's just that I'm boy crazy.) So I read the article a few days ago but never wrote anything.

Initially when I read it, I was annoyed. It didn't seem to say anything and it left me feeling like the author was pathetic. I probably felt that way because I took too much baggage with me on that first reading. Now that I've had some time to process, I realize my baggage is along and I can deal.

I should probably paraphrase the article at this point in the event you don't want to click on it.

A San Francisco appellate court defined a dating relationship as "is a social relationship between two individuals who have a reciprocally amorous and increasingly exclusive interest in one another, and shared expectation of the growth of that mutual interest, that has endured for such a length of time and stimulated such frequent interactions that the relationship cannot be deemed to have been casual."

The author gives her definition - "Dating is what you do before the relationship: the try before you buy...dating by its very essence [is] casual." Then she goes into a story about a dating relationship she had. To me it was the typical story, two people start dating, she decides she wants more, he bails. The point was they had very different definitions of dating.

Initially the article annoyed me because the woman looks stupid in the end like most women - wanting more than the guy wants. However, I realize this is a big part of the baggage I carry along with me. Let me put it this way, in all my relationship baggage, the biggest piece - the steamer trunk - is never wanting more than the other person. This probably stems back to the first time my heart was broken. I was in junior high and I was in love with Brad Knipstein. We had been friends forever but I wanted more. He didn't.

Since I learned this precious lesson at a young age, I was annoyed that the author hadn't.

Now that I have revisited this article, with more awareness of my luggage, I can think more about the definition. First, I wonder why a San Francisco appellate court felt the need to define dating. In my opinion, dating should be very little concern of the legal system. Second, since they have defined it, do I agree with that definition? The answer here is definitely "no," but only because they threw in that last part about "cannot be deemed to have been casual." Third, how would I define dating? Now we're getting somewhere interesting.

Dating.

I'm not sure I can define it. Damn, and that's what this whole post was supposed to be about! I'm hopeless (AND am dragging a steamer trunk behind me)!

There are some great definitions on Kevin's page. Reading those it made me realize we all use a bunch of words to define our interaction with someone else. However, we use the phrases differently. For me, "dating" means there's an interest beyond just friendship but it's definitely casual. "Seeing someone" means we've graduated from the casual thing to almost-daily communication. The same thing goes for "involvement." When things do get serious and commitment is decided on, the *B-word is the important one.

But who really cares? This is just the way I use these phrases. And you could use them completely differently. So, what's the point?

I think the point is this - communicate. When you are "seeing someone/dating/involved/etc" you have some sort of interest in them. You should like them enough to at least communicate what you think. Of course, I'm not saying bring it up on the first date and every date after that. I'm just saying, talk about it. You'll know the right time to have the "defining the relationship" talk. And you will both be better off because of it.

So don't I sound all mature and smart giving this great advice? Too bad I'm still a big dork and recently (only a couple months ago) reverted to the I'll-just-stop-calling method instead of just being honest. What is it that makes talking about it so hard? Is it all of our different definitions coming into play? Is it being scared of wanting more than the other person? Is it not wanting more? And what happened to "just friends" anyways?

Questions, questions. What's your definition?

* The B-word is boyfriend...I hope I'm not jinxed now.

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